i don't want to have sex with my husband.

[cintrouble74]

And I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Between 2003 and 2011 I was pregnant and breastfeeding most of the time. The not wanting sex has got worse over time until it's now got to the point where he repulses me. I stopped breastfeeding well over a year ago but my hormones have not returned to how they were before leading me to believe that it's my husband I don't want to have sex with and not just not wanting sex. We last had sex on Christmas eve because I felt like I had to. He woke me up last night by touching me and trying to kiss me and I asked him to leave me alone and he squeezed me really tight and said I'm so sorry I just miss you and love you so much. I went into the bathroom and cried and when I came back he said I love you and went to sleep. I lay awake for hours feeling like the most evil wife in the world. If I could take a pill that would make me want to have sex with him again I would but I can't imagine it ever coming back on it's own and I don't know what to do. I rarely feel affectionate towards him but can happily cuddle on the rug and kiss him but full on kissing just makes me feel sick. What is wrong with me? There are other problems and I've told him on numerous occasions that if he doesn't change I'm scared I'll fall out of love with him and won't be able to do anything about it but he doesn't do anything about it. These are mainly grumpiness, not spending any time with our children, lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I have loads of examples but that's the general stuff. I have tears rolling down my face and feel utter despair but don't know if I can be helped? Just needed to get it out I suppose? Sorry!

Lying witch,I didn't think that's what you meant at all, I just didn't want to reply and mistake what you were asking, perfectly reasonable question, I guess having my ex in my head is not healthy but I'm not really sure how to get him out!!
Pink I'm sorry you feel the same but it is nice not to be alone, I sometimes think if it wasn't for children and money I'd leave but can't know for sure!
I can also bear sex (do you take yourself somewhere else in your mind?) But find kissing disgusting, even though he's good at it it just seems weird, gross,a waste of time?!! I have no idea why, I used to love kissing.
Fiscal, I've said that too, I'll be doing all the evening jobs while he sits down after his shift end and be feeling utter resentment towards him. I've asked him why my shift never seems to end. He has to get up earlier than me so uses that reason.

Would it make any difference if he had a vasectemy? Could it be that you really don't vwant to get pregnant again?

I think for lots of people it's quite normal to feel like this after quite a few years together and children, and there doesn't always have to be a reason, although we feel compelled to try to find one. It has always been thus for some couples and, bizarrely, it has little to do with whether you love and respect them and want to stay married to them.

The problem comes when one or other of you suddenly does want to have sex, but with someone else.

I think more people than we realise live perfectly happily in almost completely sexless marriages, but its taboo to talk about it. But if one or other of you feels hard done by and rejected then it's not easy. The more you focus on trying hard to fancy your DP and having sex because it's expected of you, the more contrived and less spontaneous and voluntary it will feel, which just compounds the problem.

I don't know if there is an answer (apart from getting very drunk and pretending it's someone else) but I just want you to know that it is a normal thing for many couples.

I think what you're saying is that you're the sort of person who can't feel lustful towards someone whose behaviour you resent. A lot of people feel that way. Even if he changed all those behaviours you're resentful about, it would probably take a long time of trusting that's the real improved him for you to desire him again.

The only way I'd approach it is to spell it out in those stark terms.

A lot of idiotic people say women who feel like you trade sex for chores but this is missing the point. It's that you feel completely unable to feel sexual with someone you resent deeply. If you had sex with him feeling the way you do it would be a problem, because you would be having sex you don't want. So stop doing that. No good guy wants sex like that anyway and maybe that's what he was trying to express without being able to find the words.

You need to be honest, even though it might hurt.

Thank you mad, I've tried getting drunk ;-) it only worked for a while.
Yego he is meant to be having a vasectomy but will never get around to it, at the moment I'm not pushing him because that'll mean a wet patch again and that just makes me feel more gross! But I am very sure I don't want anymore babies!
I'm not sure what place making means?
Cogito, I don't think he does realise and I don't know how to make him realise, I've said what I thought were some really shocking things and he didn't respond.

The one positive thing I can say about going to a good therapist together is that you have a neutral 3rd person to ask him, "how has this last week been, have you achieved any change in your behaviour towards x y z" ie him being involved with the dc etc. They won't focus on the lack of sex in huge detail at all, they will focus on the reasons on why you are really unhappy and what could be done to change them.

I hope that makes sense, not sure I've worded it well.

Tonandfeather and random mess, perfect sense and really helpful, as you've all been. I wasn't expecting such an amazing response as I'm new, you're all quite amazing you know!!
I guess I'll just have to be brave and tell him, but it's very scary and I'm a wimp!

place marking is just posting so you're on the thread and can find it easily to read what others have said (sorry to be confusing!)

Don't soft soap this. Have examples of behaviour that over a period of time, have built up resentment in you. Be very specific about how you want the behaviour to change, but be honest and explain that you can't know if this will even work now.

I'd also advise you to pay no heed to anyone telling you that loss of sex drive or not wanting sex is normal for women. Losing desire for a partner you resent is however very common. The two things are entirely different and I think it would be well worth making that point to him too, just in case he has any old-fashioned ideas about women's sexual responses.

It will help you if you can work out what it is that it is upsetting you so much with his behaviour.

Is it resentment at his lack of help, disappointment that he doesn't engage emotionally with the dc/all of you, you feel unfulfilled in your role as wife & bother - something else, a mixture of all of these?

To really want sex on every level I need to feel cherised and valued and listened too/supported emotionally.

You can't 'sort out your issues with his behaviour' without him sorting out his behaviour too.

Grumpy, lazy, unhelpful partners aren't sexy. It's hardly surprising you don't fancy him. And fixing that isn't something you can do by adjusting your attitude.

I will also add, my dh so far has chosen not to address his behaviour that upsets me greatly and has not yet told me about what behaviour he would like me to change.

However at least I now know where he stands on his issues and I can make decisions accordingly.

"The problem comes when one or other of you suddenly does want to have sex, but with someone else"

That's not the case here. This isn't a mutually agreed sexless marriage. The DH wants sex and the OP finds him repellent.

My STBXH was miserable, angry and unengaged with the life and growth of our kids and anything to do with running a household. He watched family life from the comfort of a sofa. Although I spelt it out on more than one occasion nothing changed. By the time I kicked him out there was no love left for him. The constant feelings of disappointment in him as a Dad and resentment toward him as a 'partner' chipped away at our marriage until there was nothing left. Like your H he said all the right things but it was not enough.

When you say you want him to pick a job, do you mean he isn't working? And he doesn't do anything with or for the kids, and he's grumpy? And if you spent 8 years pregnant and/or lactating, I'm assuming you have at least 3 kids? Can I ask if you have a paid job as well? But SAHM or WOTHM, 3 kids close in age is a huge amount of work. It takes 2 people to carry the weight without strain and stress, IMO.

It sounds like he wants you, but not adult responsibilities or parenthood - is that an unfair interpretation?

I read once that the biggest possible killer of emotional intimacy is when a parent is disinterested in the kids. My own marriage was under a lot of strain the first year of DS' life because my husband wasn't really interested. He fell in love with him after that and the marriage actually improved over how it had been pre-kids, but DH also pulled a huge amount of weight in terms of play with DS and focus on him, and he worked very long hours and still tried to ensure he wasn't adding to my workload with any laundry etc of his, because he realised it was bloody hard work (terrible sleeper, and I did all the nights as well as the days). To be blunt I wouldn't feel desire for a man who had checked out of fatherhood in practical and financial terms, either. I would feel very distant from him. And I agree that if he does still love you, then for things to have a hope in hell of improving counselling would be a very good first step indeed, as long as you saw someone competent. (Sadly I've heard a lot of poor reports on MN about Relate people, who apparently rather often think a marriage should be sustained at all costs - regardless of whether that cost is all being paid by one side.)

It is really hard, I think, for both sides of this scenario. I know DH has talked more recently about how fatherhood came as a colossal shock to him, because I changed so much in that year and he didn't feel any connection to the baby who had upended his life and cost a fortune while removing almost all his previous sources of joy. He had to come to see DS as a source of even greater joy, which he has, but if your DH hasn't, then he needs to wake up to the fact he has to try to bond with them more, and only time with them can do that. Right now what you are describing sounds a horrible cycle.