Imagine if you will

[worriedaboutstuff]

Your dh works in a field loosely affiliated with skiing for example, you have asked if he will take you dry slope skiing as you have never done it.
It is not something he has ever done and he isn't keen, so you think nothing more of it.
He meets someone at work really into dry slope skiing and sends her a text asking if she wants to go.
What the fuck do I do now?

You are vulnerable as a SAHM. Before confronting him I would do my level best to get hold of what financial information you can. Would none of it be on a laptop he brings home from work? Bank statements which come to the house? There are accounts you can easily get from Companies House (assuming he's incorporated) but that's further down the line.

There is a list somewhere of important documentation that (I think) comes from Women's Aid which sets out what you should try to get together/copy or lay your hands on. Can anyone link to it?

I hope it comes to nothing. Even if it does I would still make plans to make myself less vulnerable in the future, such as getting back into the workforce and making sure you have access to all financial information - how much is owing on (any) mortgage, loans etc. I speak from grim experience. My children and I had to live with my parents for almost 2.5 years after my "d"h ran off with someone else.

here is a great resource for getting your ducks lined up, just in case

When I said seek legal advice earlier I wasn't suggesting you go ahead with divorce. Simply pointing out that, as you believe he holds all the cards because you don't currently earn your own income, it is worth getting some information. Not necessarily for you to use but to have in the back of your mind and give you the confidence that comes from being well-informed.

Op can you sit your husband down and tell him you have some info on him that is currently compromising how you view him and your relationship. Say you are giving him this one chance and one chance only to own up to what you already know. Say surely you deserve to hear it from him.........keep quiet and see what he does/says.

If he says nothing I don't think you should or if you decide to reveal don't reveal your source after all he isn't being upfront with you.

It's bizarre for your dc to say its his GF.

If I was just responding to your opening post I would say - given my DH (and I) work in what I suspect is a very similar field -
• it could be that he wants to keep work and personal life separate
•It could just be 'his thing' and given you've never been interested in it before, he didn't take your suggestion very seriously
• It could be that given he's never been 'dry slope skiing' but does a lot of 'skiing' he thinks he'll be crap at it and his ego wants him to go with Woman B before he goes with his wife so he doesn't make a prat of himself
• It could be that he doesnt' really want to go with woman B but feels he ought to for work related reasons

But, having read all your other posts, clearly it's not just the 'skiing' whcih is making you suspicious. I would trust your gut instinct and think he is probably thinking something stupid, even if he's not doing anything stupid.

I'm sorry to hear your DS is ill.

Actually I should clarify as my posts are a bit jumbled.
He met this woman via his workplace, but she does not work with or for him. She came in one day and asked for some advice as she does for fun what he is involved with for a living.
Going 'skiing' would be purely recreational and would not impact on what my husband does workwise.
I'm sorry if that's all too cryptic, but I don't want to out myself.
I think that he is thinking stupid rather than doing stupid, but still, he has lied to me and I'm gutted that he knows he has made me ill and still I don't feel I'm his priority.

Sorry cog I wasn't suggesting that you thought I head straight for a divorce, my head is quite jumbled at the moment.

I am a bit confused then about this "practical" advice he insisted on doing a 180 mile round trip so they could do it face to face was for then

I assumed an essential work project. But it was purely for her benefit and purely for fun ? Oh dear.

Yeh, for a business she was starting up
sorry for the confusion.

She wanted him to assess the practical skills of the candidates she was interviewing as she didn't feel qualified and it's my dh's field.

Did any payment change hands ?

No

He was helping a friend.

You see myself and DH have specialist skills that might be sought out by others. But would we do a 180 mile round trip for no financial benefit as a "favour" to a random ? Nope, and nope again.

It really pays to be the cool understanding wife doesn't it.
What a fecking mug.

I am sorry. No, it never pays to be the "cool wife", IMO.

I have a feeling though here that it's not too late. I dunno why. But he is the one that has to realise how easy it can be cross boundaries and put his own checks in place.

You saying that has given me some light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going to wash my face and try not to look like I've been teary.
You have been so kind, thankyou.

I am concerned that you have no idea about the state of the finances and no access to them. I think you need to at least know things like income pension savings etc. it doesn't matter whether he's having an affair or being a tit, you have a right to know that stuff for yourself and your dc.

Him deliberately excluding you and minimizing you in his life is worrying. You are allowed to end a relationship just because you don't enjoy it any more. So how far this has actually gone isn't the main point. He is making you feel vulnerable and belittled and doesn't care.

Try talking to him, but I suspect he will get annoyed with you for nagging. If that happens, get as much info together as possible so that you can leave or make him leave if you need to. It doesn't mean you will leave, but knowing that you can if necessary can make you tolerate a lot less bullshit if he continues to be an arse.

Here's hoping it's a blip on his part and that he starts showing you more respect.

< friendly shoulder pat > Check out that blog I linked upthread. Like kickass said, you should know the financial stuff. You may be a SAHM but you are not a Stepford Wife. Get yourself up to speed, because if < god forbid > H dropped dead tomorrow you would also be stuffed.

how are you today, OP ?

Sorry I have been awol, my dh took a few days off work so I haven't had a chance to get to the computer.
I asked him again if he fancied this woman and what was going on etc?
He said absolutely nothing, that she was good fun, he enjoyed her company and had some common interests.

The 'skiing' had been brought up by her initially, she thought it might be a way of attracting some customers. He then decided against it and she went anyway. (He has shown me the facebook posts)
He has admitted that he took for granted my 'cool wife' nature and said it didn't even occur to him that I would have a problem with a friendship with another woman.

  I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I had expressed 'concern' about this woman a couple of weeks ago, as a result he told me he had backed off and had been much less his friendly self when she had been into his place of work.

When he does meet people he gels with (and I have to say that's not often) he can get quite over excited and said he probably did the same with this woman, not allowing for the fact that this time the friend wasn't a man.

Obviously I had to confess that I had snooped, he was a bit hurt, but more surprised than anything which I think made him realise quite how upset I was.
He was also quite hurt that I even considered he would lie to me at all but especially at a time when we are both worried about our dc being unwell.

However I think we are both aware that much of my current vulnerability is as a result of various of the stress of that.
He said he would continue the friendship under whatever parameters I was happy with as my feelings came first.

We have also decided that until I can work outside the home, I will help with the admin side of the business, I'll have access to banking details and all that kind of faff. It means I can get more involved and know what's going on.
He took the time off work this week to stay at home and 'look after me' and we have been out for walks and had lunches etc. He has been really great as I think he realised he had shaken my foundations quite a lot. It's been our first relationship blip in 16 years.
Anyway, I think thank goodness, that it's been a happy ending and I don't have to ltb!
I'm so grateful for the advice everyone gave me here.
AF it would appear you were right and this one was going to be ok! x

I lurked because I didn't have anything to add that other people hadn't already said but ive been thinking of you and I am really pleased that he has both listened to you and understood your concerns. You've got a lovely man there and he clearly thinks the world of you too. It's nice when things work out.

I'm really glad it's worked out for you .

My advice still stands about making yourself (and any sahm) less vulnerable financially - looks like you're taking steps to rectify that which is great.

Good luck xx