Imagine if you will

[worriedaboutstuff]

Your dh works in a field loosely affiliated with skiing for example, you have asked if he will take you dry slope skiing as you have never done it.
It is not something he has ever done and he isn't keen, so you think nothing more of it.
He meets someone at work really into dry slope skiing and sends her a text asking if she wants to go.
What the fuck do I do now?

Tell him you're going with him. If he refuses tell him if he goes with another woman then your relationship will be in trouble. Lay it all on the line.

How do I get past the point of being paranoid about contact with this other person.
He did a 180 mile round trip a couple of weeks ago to help her out with a work thing after I had been puking in the night.
Now I'm not suggesting I needed babysitting, but I can't help feeling that's not right/normal?
I see everything now as a warning sign.

For now I think I'd ask him again to go skiing. Then I'd watch his reaction.

It does look like something is going on, though.
I'd want 100% commitment or he'd have to walk out.

Oh fuck yes it is, can I get that changed?
He had to go in person, he was helping with some practical aspects of some work she was doing.

Just report that post, love.

I don't think I can tell you much AF?
He had been talking about this person quite a lot, but I have never had reason not to trust him, so didn't think anything of it.
My dc made a comment about 'daddy's girlfriend' because he mentions her a lot. That gave me the willies. He said she was a friend and they just have a laugh.
I just had an uneasy feeling about things, couldn't put my finger on it and then stooped to snooping.

How do I get past the point of being paranoid about contact with this other person.

It would seem you have a very good reason to be "paranoid" so I would not try and tell yourself to "get over it". He is acting in a way that is destroying your peace of mind. Unless you now admit to making his life hell with psychopathic jealousy so that he can't even tell you if he says hello to another attractive woman, I would say you should be trusting your instincts.

Mentionitis
DC unwittingly and innocently notices this enough to call her his girlfriend
Your radar is pinging loudly
Your gut is telling you to listen
You feel the need to snoop when you never have before
You find something when you do snoop

That looks like quite a lot to me. Don't downplay it, and don't brush your concerns under the carpet. Perhaps it's a silly flirtation and/or he is making a middleaged fool of himself with a very obvious crush but this is disrespectful to you and making you feel insecure. That is not acceptable.

I can honestly say I have never been a jealous psychopath, quite the opposite.
I feel very sick and am not functioning terribly well though.
Anxiety over my dc isn't helping, I feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable.
Quite pathetic really aren't I.

Not at all. You sound worried and you sound low. Your husband's actions are very unhelpful. How long has dc been ill and is your H actually supporting you both with this ?

Dc has been ill about a year (ish) and is awaiting surgery.
Dh has been very supportive, he is devoted to dc and the feeling is mutual.
I'm going to have to try and carry on as normal though aren't I if I need to see a solicitor.

Whoa there. have you spoken to your husband about how his actions are making you feel your relationship is in trouble ?

I think you keeping these worries you have to yourself is not the right thing to do. Talk to him. Be honest with him. You will not lose anything by that. If he is simply being a bit silly, it may make him re examine himself and give his own arse a good kick. If he is hell bent on another path, that is his choice and it's doubtful whether you will have any influence on that no matter what you say.

Yes I have.
I told him a couple of weeks ago that I thought either he fancied her or she fancied him.
He said there was nothing at all to be concerned about.
Then last week when I was ill, he did the 180 mile trip thing.
He also hasn't mentioned her once since.
That's when I checked his phone and found he'd asked her to go 'skiing' a couple of weeks ago.
I even mentioned the skiing thing with me this week and he completely dismissed it.

I've reported AF's post earlier for obvious reasons. I suggest you ask it to be deleted too, AF.

Mentionitis changing into disappeared off the planet is not good news. Although it could be as simple as he isn't mentioning her because he knows it bothers you.

At this juncture, it I were you, I would admit to the snooping and ask him outright why, if there was nothing to be concerned about, that he has invited her ski ing when he has refused to go with you before. It's a perfectly legitimate question and if he goes mega-defensive at the snooping, then you inform him that you wouldn't have done it if he had reassured you effectively

I have done, lweji, as well as the one in question but if the offending one is deleted mine won't matter anyway

oops, thought I had but they have both gone now anyway. All's well.

Ok, thanks I'll do that.
Feel so ashamed that I snooped, but I'll just have to man up.
Really hoping I can update with good news.

Thankyou both also for reporting the posts, you are very kind.

I hope so too.

In the interests of levity, some would say don't admit to snooping because then you will drive him underground and you won't have a "window" into what he may be doing.

It's also a legitimate course of action to withdraw from conflict for a while and watch what he does

That wouldn't be for me though, because I simply couldn't keep my trap shut and I would not stand by and be made a fool of (that is how I would see it, not everyone does...some would wait for something more concrete or for it to blow over)

yes I agree with maras2. if there is nothing going on he will be enthusiastic for you to join them. I am sorry this is happening to you.