He's messed my mind up again

[AnAsylem]

Ok here's the backstory. I had a relationship for 4 years, he was emotionally abusive and a bully but I was codependent. It ended six months ago in a horrible way, a huge argument. I was shocked at first that he could treat me so badly then soon I felt happier without him around no more worrying what he was up to, feeling used ect

Briefly met someone else and had a 3 month relationship. When that ended I caved and replied to emails my ex had sent, I wanted a shoulder to cry on and he was familiar, even if he wasn't particularly nice when we were together, he was familiar and I knew what made him tick

We slept together it was great ( that part always was) he said he loved me wanted me back, to make it work this time. I have to say I didn't feel anything for him I thought I was safe just having sex with him. Anyway we have been seeing eachother quite a bit, supposedly trying again. Bought me some lovely birthday presents. Although I know somewhere inside it will never work long term I feel attached again. Basically this weekend he has supposedly gone to see his mum, staying overnight when this is the only time in almost two weeks that we can see eachother. He won't speak on the phone because our families are not supposed to know yet we are seeing eachother, probably because chances are we won't last again and it's getting embarrassing.

However although he's telling me it's a relationship I'm feeling it's more like fwb. He keeps telling me he's not going to put up with the shit again and he won't be a doormat. I'm not able to tell him how I feel because when I do he has an answer for everything and always turns it round to me being controlling and in the wrong

What is wrong with me.? Why am I hanging around for this treatment? Or AIBU objecting to him visiting his mum. However I suspect he's not with his mum,or he may just be making a point to me. I think that is the issue really. He's not treating me right is he

I feel like he reeled me in with the " I love you's" now he's stopped saying it even though I've told him I'm not sure where I stand. I hate the fact he seems to have got me to the point of waiting for a text or a call which aren't happening as often and before I was quite indifferent

before I was quite indifferent

you need to regain this but without a "fallback relationship" just for a while you need to go it alone. Do the freedom programme, rebuild your self esteem and friendships, find out who you are and go non contact with this abusive bully who will treat you worse this time around because he knows you'll keep coming back for more.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS,

He wopn;t change but you can. get out before you become even more embroiled than you already are...

as to why, well perhaps it's like an addiction? perhaps you don;t think you deserve better? perhaps you're just scared of being by yourself?

Just run for the hills - this isn't good for you. He's safe and secure and a known quantity - but there was a good reason you split originally. He has you just where he wants you - life is too short for this shit.

What shall I do? Just ignore any contact from now on because I know he will contact me either tomorrow or soon. He is meant to be seeing me on Tuesday. I don't know what to do shall I just tell him I've changed my mind?

He will make me feel I'm crazy and in the wrong for being like this about him going to stay with his mum. But surely in a normal relationship if you were genuinely making a go of it you don't disappear on the couple of days you could see you girlfriend and not ring especially when you know she's concerned

1. Text him and say you don;t want to see him again and that he is not to contact you again.

2. delete contact details from phone etc. Block him on facebook etc, post any personal belongings back to him

3. If (when) he contacts you reply by text or email (don't talk to him) and say you do not want to hear from him again and if he does contact you you will inform the police that it is unwanted

4. never contact him again

5. If (when) he contacts you phone non emergency police number and inform them he is in touch with you despite you asking him not to. (repeat as necessary)

If you never speak to him again he won;t be able to make you feel crazy and wrong (it's called gaslighting)...you are not crazy and you are not wrong.

walk away, choose a better life...he will not change and he doesn't love you.

God it's just awful, he knows how to hurt me. If I contact him to say I don't want to see him again he will say something like " fine it's your choice" that will hurt because I've become attached again. I will get past that but I know he's likely to get back in touch at some point. It really seemed like he loved me a week or so again. He's like 2 different people. Or maybe he really is just visiting his mum and I am being unreasonable. However he's still showing little regard to my feelings because he knows I'm feeling uncomfortable and it's all on his terms

www.science20.com/practical_neuroscience/living_narcissist-81879

or here counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/

Very interesting reading, he definately has narcisstic traits. I'm in such a muddle again and I'm so annoyed at myself for putting myself here again. It's as though I want to punish myself because I know exactly what I will get from him and what I won't get

So less than a week after starting this post he has ended it by text after a few days together where as far as I could see everything went well. I was shocked and felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Apparently I was making him feel uncomfortable and making him feel I didn't trust him. I had done what he asked in that I stopped being a bit jealous over his ex wife, but apparently I was making him feel awkward over his phone and visiting his family

I so want to just get over him and never let him back in my life again if he should ever try again

Bump

This is what he meant by "not being a doormat", then? I was wondering about that. It means, presumably, something like not taking your girlfriend's feelings into account, not having feelings for them, doing what the hell you ever feel like doing without having to consider anyone else. Fine. I hope he has a lovely life with his own ego

You need a detox, woman! I totally agree the Freedom Programme would be good for you, but in the meanwhile have a good old read around www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ You will definitely not feel alone, and should get a few laughs out of it.

On that subject - THINK ABOUT YOU! Not him, or any other smooth-talking dickwad for now. Get your friends back, get your sense of humour back, do stuff you love to do, get your self back! I think you'll find you're pretty fine :)

I seriously think there is something wrong with me. I used to be a strong person, I was kind, had empathy for people but still had an innate sense of people behaving badly and not putting up with it or at least fighting back

Now I feel very weak, I have gone back for more with this man time and time again, everybody is very frustrated by me, can't understand at all why I'm doing it, actually neither can I. I'm just sinking lower and lower. I'm starting to hate myself for it

Even after everything and believe me there has been far more than I've written here I STILL can't fully accept what he's like, I can't believe ANYONE could be like that. I doubt myself and constantly believe I am the cause of the numerous times he's left me. Sometimes I think I'm not that bad I only have ordinary faults like everyone else, other times I believe I'm the cause of it all. He was right I didn't fully trust him, I'm not really sure why, I never found anything definate, it was just the way he treated me I suppose. Thing is I kept most of how I felt inside I didn't create huge rows about my doubts. I just had little niggly worries. He knew this and it wasn't good enough, he had to have 100% trust and even wanted to control my worries, I wasn't allowed to have them

Even writing this down now makes me think it was my fault now, yet I was always loving towards him. Apparently he just couldn't take it from me anymore, I find it hard to see I was that bad, am I not normal"?

Bump

Does it matter why or whose at fault here? Surely if he makes you feel like shit then it is a bad relationship and you are better out of it.
With distance and perspective you will see more clearly than you can at present.
Plan something nice for yourself today. And try not to contact him.

I think I'm worrying over whether I'm to blame and have issues for two reasons

1/ I hate to think I've sabotaged a relationship with someone I love and who I thought loved me

2/ I don't want to repeat it in another relationship

It's not a question of which one is to blame. I just feel so sad, upset, angry, lost, every emotion going really

Have you had any other relationships that have made you feel loved and secure? Or is this kind of stuff all you're used to?

It's easy for me to say 'you have to love yourself before anybody else will' but the bottom line is, this is the truth. You need to feel you deserve a loving and equal partner, and that a shit partner is NOT better than nothing.

Being single can be really liberating, fulfilling etc, its what you make of it that matters. Hankering after muppets like this one totally devalues you as a person and messes with your self esteem.

Please move on and forget this idiot, he probably would be happy to shag you in the future but he'll never love you and he never did, sorry.

Yes I had a long marriage 15 plus years and was treated with respect, it was totally different to this. It got boring we grew apart but are still very civil to eachother.

I met him and he was exciting, total opposite end of the spectrum and he has been abusive emotionally until I can't see the wood for the trees anymore

I don't think he's ever loved anyone but himself actually I'm sad to say

It isn't him, it's you.

He didn't "reel you in" and he has no extraordinary power over you, stop talking like you have no say. For whatever reason you want this man to love you and will put up with shit for that pay off. Until you work out why you choose this man then you will be destined to repeat this and other dysfunctional relationships.

Spend energy and head space getting counseling instead of wasting your time in a relationship that is going nowhere.

I'm no longer in the relationship am I
As I said at the start he's ended it again
I Los said I know why I chose to be with him, going right back to the start, the excitement after being so bored in a dead end marriage, he was someone with a strong personality which I longed for, little did I know how strong it was though

And until you've experienced an emotionally abusive relationship and know how they work on you and grind you down I don't think you can say they don't " reel you in " because that's precisely what they do

"As I said at the start he's ended it again".

So are you a toy to be picked up and put down when he feels like playing with you? You have a voice here too. You are not a passive object. You can decide to "end it" for yourself and not reply if he starts sniffing round again. Take control and make the decision for yourself. You will feel a lot better for doing that. Then he can't "reel you in" because you are not swallowing bait! (To extend your metaphor)

When we broke up in August I wanted nothing more to do with him I genuinely felt I didn't care. He got me back at a vulnerable time and yes I wanted to be loved and he made me feel he lived me more than anyone in the world, when he wanted to reel me in

I am struggling so much this time. I feel I'm going mad and don't understand my own feelings anymore. Last time he dumped me it was after a period of being quite vile to me and it culminated in a massive row one day where he was bloody evil and left. I didn't care after the initial shock it was even a relief

Then he began by contacting my kids then me. Still it took a while for me to see him. When I did I still felt cold towards him he even commented how I'd changed towards him. Then he won me over and I felt I loved him again, then bang! After talking about moving in and all the things we'd do he dumps me saying I'm making him uncomfortable as I don't trust him. Now I'm in turmoil again, and I've ALLOWED this to happen to me

I know there's nothing anyone can say it just helps to write it down

It does help to write it down, yes

More than that, it helps to write down some time lines and identify the tricks he used to manipulate you. He wormed his way back to you through contacting your kids? That's really bad!

I don't know if you're on the Emotional Abuse threads here, but I'd recommend it as the women there are very clued-up on abusive tactics. Also, having read your recent posts, I'm going to nag you to do the Freedom Programme. You need it! It's free, or you can do it online for £10. With the online course, you get digital access to the course book, "Living With The Dominator" although I recommend having your own copy.