He's messed my mind up again

[AnAsylem]

Ok here's the backstory. I had a relationship for 4 years, he was emotionally abusive and a bully but I was codependent. It ended six months ago in a horrible way, a huge argument. I was shocked at first that he could treat me so badly then soon I felt happier without him around no more worrying what he was up to, feeling used ect

Briefly met someone else and had a 3 month relationship. When that ended I caved and replied to emails my ex had sent, I wanted a shoulder to cry on and he was familiar, even if he wasn't particularly nice when we were together, he was familiar and I knew what made him tick

We slept together it was great ( that part always was) he said he loved me wanted me back, to make it work this time. I have to say I didn't feel anything for him I thought I was safe just having sex with him. Anyway we have been seeing eachother quite a bit, supposedly trying again. Bought me some lovely birthday presents. Although I know somewhere inside it will never work long term I feel attached again. Basically this weekend he has supposedly gone to see his mum, staying overnight when this is the only time in almost two weeks that we can see eachother. He won't speak on the phone because our families are not supposed to know yet we are seeing eachother, probably because chances are we won't last again and it's getting embarrassing.

However although he's telling me it's a relationship I'm feeling it's more like fwb. He keeps telling me he's not going to put up with the shit again and he won't be a doormat. I'm not able to tell him how I feel because when I do he has an answer for everything and always turns it round to me being controlling and in the wrong

What is wrong with me.? Why am I hanging around for this treatment? Or AIBU objecting to him visiting his mum. However I suspect he's not with his mum,or he may just be making a point to me. I think that is the issue really. He's not treating me right is he

Thank you garlic I really feel like he's knocked the stuffing out of me again I've just been almost in tears walking around tesco

Yes he started contacting my daughter via text to find out if she'd given birth yet, his reasoning was he'd known her for 4 years and still cared about her, then my son to see how he was getting on at uni. The problem is this could have been put down to him caring about my children but it could have also been a way to get back to me. He then sent me an email or two. My friends said it was coming after they knew he'd been In contact with my kids. I don't know how he had the cheek really because he was quite nasty to me when we ended he even took money of mine.

I know I sound totally ridiculous even contemplating seeing him again after that but another factor that drew me to him was the sex. That was always great between us so I was lured back in with that as well

I am going to do the freedom programme thank you for the link. It could be the one thing that at last sets me free

He's so good at turning things on me and making it seem as though he only behaved like he did or did what he had to do because of my behaviour. He even has me believeing that's true at times and I spent a lot of time questioning myself

That's the point of it, though, to make you question yourself. You can convince yourself (with his help, naturally) that controlling behaviours are 'normal' - as you did with the contacting your DC - because, taken in isolation, they might be. Looking at the overall pattern, and what his motivations are given what you already know about him, gets you the truth. In this case, your friends had identified his motives. Stick with them! But he'd already twisted your thinking, so you searched for reasons that would help you believe he was on the level ... even though it meant doubting your friends and yourself, instead of doubting him.

To him, your family was just a weakness he could exploit to control you.

The sex is often very good with a manipulator. On Baggage Reclaim, Natalie writes:
When you’re emotionally available, you’re willing to emotionally engage on an ongoing basis. The trouble with emotionally unavailable people is that they tend to do it in short bursts or have an intense period followed by a much longer lasting stretch of lukewarm or cold followed by occasional bursts or ‘spits’ of warmth. This is why, in particular, I get a lot of women mentioning the word ‘passion’ to me because in being involved with emotionally unavailable men, they’re used to getting bursts of sexual and emotional intensity that they think equates to passion. What it equates to is that persons inability to go the distance.

Wow that quote from baggage reclaim explains him to a tee