Perspective please...

[MrsMiss]

I think I know that I have been unreasonable, but if anyone can understand how I feel and make me feel a little better about this situation, it might help me to move on.

Long story short, I had two very close friends at uni. One of them remains my best friend to this day - godmother to my children, regularly in touch, so glad she is in my life.

Soon after we left uni we would all meet up (two close friends, me, and several from the wider circle) but gradually life got in the way, and many of us drifted. I often dropped the other close friend a line - an email, a text - just to say hi. Before I realised it, he'd stopped replying. Then, I got married 8 years ago and invited him to the wedding, expecting that he'd be delighted. He never replied. At this point I should have taken the hint, but I worried something had happened to him, and sporadically over those intervening 8 years tried to make contact.

It is now 20 years since uni, and I wondered earlier in the year if I could organise a re-union. It became my pet project, and I researched as much as I could, trying to track down old friends. When I made contact I always phrased my emails carefully - appreciate re-union might not be your thing, but if you want to be in touch, or fancy getting together - great - but know people change blah blah. It became more important to me, because of the impending get-together, to trace my close friend.

I have been very open with dh about my enthusiasm for this re-union, and told him about this formerly good friend. There was never anything romantic between us, and I don't hold a flame for him - I just worried maybe something bad had happened, or maybe I'd upset him. I wanted the chance to make it right, if that was the case.

So, last few months I've tried that bit harder to contact him. I sent a message to two of his pals to see if they knew if he was ok. I then received an automatic email to say that this old friend had joined Linkdin, so then knew he was alive and well, and knew where he was working. I dropped him an email at work, expecting him to say how lovely to hear from me. But nothing.

I realise I should have taken the hint long ago - for whatever reason, he no longer wants any contact with me, or my other friends. But intrigued, and concerned, I wanted to find out if we could 'welcome' him back to the fold as it were. So I sent another email to his friend. I got a curt reply back saying he knew I was trying to contact me, and if he wished to make contact he would.

I felt devastated. It felt like I had been stalking him/harrassing him, and I immediately apologised, saying I genuinely didn't know if my messages had been reaching him, and I only wanted to know he was ok.

I feel ashamed that I have behaved obsessively, and potentially hounded this chap, when I only wanted to know firstly if he was ok, and secondly if there was anything I had unintentionally done to upset him, causing us to lose touch.

Dh has discussed it with me and said he can't have been a very good friend if we drifted apart, which I understand, and I know people change. I just feel upset that the friendship clearly meant so little to the other person, when we were such close confidantes over three years, and shared a house in our final year, supporting each other through ups and downs. I'm worried that my enthusiasm for finding out about this old friend could be interpreted as harrassment, and can't really believe I have behaved in this way. I'm doubting everything now, and it has affected my confidence to the extent that when I see friends in real life, I feel that they don't want to know me because I'm too intense. I'm embarrassed about it. I just thought I was being a good friend, and in real life I do try to be nice and friendly, but I'm looking at it all differently now, and thinking that my keenness to be 'nice' looks creepy to people, and they are spooked by it. I feel really upset, and keep crying about it. I feel the loss of this friendship, and also I am shaken by this re-evaluation of my personality. I no longer think that I'm just friendly and caring, but perhaps there is something wrong with me. Does that make sense?

Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the wood for the trees, ie you get too wrapped up in the detail of what you're doing that you forget to take a step back and re-consider. Ie you were so focused on contacting this guy, you didn't consider that the reason all leads were turning cold was because he wasn't interested.

So don't beat yourself up, learn from this experience and hopefully you won't repeat it.

As for the old friend, uni was 20 years ago, you have to accept that some people are only in our lives at certain points (eg uni mates; friends we might meet at baby/toddler groups etc) and there doesn't have to be an explanation as to why he doesn't want to meet up again.

Enjoy the people who are in your life here and now.

Please don't over think it. You sound like a lovely person. Your old friend is thestrange one. It really wouldn't have hurt for him to just reply to your message. Tbh I probably would have done the same things you have. It would be on my mind not knowing why he hadn't replied and if he was okay. I really don't think you have harassed him in the slightest. He sounds quite rude tbh.

You have done nothing wrong IMO. His choice to not contact you. You must not contact him again unless he makes the first move and he knows how to get in touch if he feels like it. Move on now.

It makes me think you are perhaps the kind of person who is quite sentimental, likes to live in the past, maybe finds it difficult to let go or accept change.

I don't think any of it is a bad thing, but it will clash with people who are ready to move on all the time, or who want to forget the past and break any ties with it.

Your friends reluctance to maintain contact could be for many different reasons and not all of them specific to you. Maybe he had other difficulties in his life at that time and thinking back to it brings up painful memories. Maybe he has changed quite a lot since then and doesn't like the person he used to be.

I can understand why you are upset, but really, if he couldn't even reply to one of your messages to say that he had moved on/was too busy etc then I think he's actually a prick who has acted in a very cruel way towards you.

I can understand your need to "close the chapter" by finding out what happened with your friend; I had similar with a friend I'd been very close to at school and through University, despite us being at different ones, and then after a phone conversation with her, inviting her to my 21st party, she never contacted me again. I couldn't trace her, she wouldn't take calls etc. etc.

I just didn't know what I'd done/said etc. to make her close off from me, and it frustrated me for years (not any more).

So I can understand that you were just pursuing every avenue you could think of to get any response from this bloke, being unsure that he had received any of your contact attempts - in reality, it would have been better if he'd just responded and said something along the lines of "not interested, have a nice life" so you could have moved on ages ago!

Don't be embarrassed though - just move on now and forget about it. Some men are just really bad at maintaining friendships once they move away - my DH is shocking at it! - and maybe he's one of them. Or perhaps he had a girlfriend shortly afterwards who wouldn't have taken kindly to female friends, so he just dropped them/you all.

He's clearly not worth your efforts, anyway!

MrsMiss I had a similar thing with an old flatmate who dropped me suddenly when our babies were small. She said at the time that with a full time job and three small DC she didnt have time for friends (!). So I accepted sadly and moved on, but carried on sending Christmas cards and letters with no response. I always felt hurt and sad and last year I wrote a note to that effect in the Xmas card. Nothing back. I felt I had been a crap friend and a failure. It niggled at me a lot.

Anyway this autumn I went to a mutual friends wedding and she was there with her DH. She ignored me for an hour so eventually I plastered on a grin and went over to chat and catch up. After ten minutes I realised I didn't actually like her very much! It was like a weight falling away. I had been fretting about something that wasn't even there! Real friends don't treat you like this, and otherwise you clearly have many fully functional friendships.

Conclusion: It's not you it is him! And it is his loss to cut you out when you could be a fabulous friend. Enjoy the friends you have and let this one go.

I think you have to accept that everything you have written above is YOUR perspective and appraisal of the situation.

He may feel very differently.

He may not have even felt the closeness at uni that you felt- sharing a house is fair enough but it's a bit of a hot-house and people change hugely in their 20s- so his needs and wants may have changed a lot since then.

You don't really know how he thought about you all that time back. Maybe for him it was never really platonic? He may have hoped for more and shut you out once that was never going to happen?

I think he's been very unkind and immature now - he could have sent a reply and just said thanks, but no thanks.

At the same time, you have been quite obsessive about tracking him down because in this day and age of social media etc people can be found if you look hard enough and they usually get your messages even if they choose to ignore. So you were a bit slow in spotting the 'back off' signs.

I don't think you need to re-evaluate who you are in any major way, but just learn from this that persistence is not always the way, and it's not your fault that he doesn't want to keep in touch.

I had been fretting about something that wasn't even there!

I have wasted too much time doing this. My friend's from my past were never really friends.

Friends come in many guises Sole

Some are genuine lifelong buddies
Some are there by circumstance and when you don't see them they disappear.
Some are happy to be friends when they see you but don't want the effort of keeping in touch if you move away. You have to make all the effort

The problem is when you think they are category 1 and they turn out to be category 2 or 3. It can hurt a bit. but it doesnt mean yu arent a nice person!

Food for thought. It definitely was a case of wanting to "close the chapter" Thumbwitch and yes I have been so wrapped up in 'the search' that I have totally lost sight of how obsessive I've become. And no, it really didn't occur to me that he could be reading every message and just choosing to ignore. Particularly as I would write that I just wanted to see if he was ok - didn't know if I'd done something wrong, would love chance to sort it out etc.

And yes, I see that I have my perspective on this, and he obviously has his. I am sentimental, and although it is 20 years, the friendship meant so much, and I kept thinking to myself what kind of a friend am I if I can't find this person and 'make things right'. I realise it may be nothing at all to do with me, and that I don't have to make things right. He was quite a depressive person, and seemed lonely and isolated at the time, so I guess I was most worried that he'd dropped out of touch with everyone thinking that we didn't like him.

Ironically, it was the other way round, and now it is me feeling rubbish about it all. But I certainly won't be contacting him or any of his friends again. I hate the thought of them all laughing about me over 10 years, thinking I'm... obsessive... or whatever... when I genuinely just cared. It does feel cruel, and I feel stupid for bothering. My other uni friends were hurt/puzzled/surprised when he dropped out of touch but took a tougher stance - 'his loss' was the typical comment, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing what a sensitive type he was, and imagining all kinds of things that might have happened to him.

Deep breath. Its over. I'll put it behind me and try not to obsessively check this thread to hear if someone does think I'm obsessive. I probably am - but my heart is in the right place. I just need to be cautious about how it comes across.

Listen to what you have said - the friendship meant so much.
Precisely.

It was 20 years back.

You have lived a lot of life since then, so put it in the past.

You are reviewing what has happened and now feel foolish. That hasn't anything to do with how your other friendships go. He's the friend that went AWOL. Lots of people try and arrange reunions, nothing odd there. Have you talked this over with your friend, the one who's godmother to your DCs? What's her take on it?

I got quite into looking up family tree details online a while ago. It was a nice hobby. Bit of detective work, some new facts turning up, quite harmless and of no interest to anyone else. It got to the point where I could contact strangers and say hi I'm looking into this, blah blah. Now that could be opening a can of worms. Strangers might think I was intrusive or weird. Compared to that I don't think you should beat yourself up for looking to rekindle a friendship that for a small part of your life was real. It's in the past, let go now, no harm done.

My other friend, godmother to my DCs, thinks 'why bother?'. When he didn't want to come to either of our weddings, I think she drew a line under the friendship then, and came to terms with it. She was interested to hear if I was able to get anywhere with my 'detective work' though - curiosity to hear the reason, assuming there was an actual reason and not just a gradual drifting as my dh has suggested. I certainly do feel foolish - it just scares me slightly that I might have behaved so obsessively without really realising it. I'll let it go. Thank you for your kind words - it helps to know that other people have experienced the same upset/confusion, and have tried to make contact for similar reasons. I will learn from it.

Well you're clearly not imagining your friendship back then as the other girl also thought you three were good pals.

How many times did you contact him over the ten years? Every week? Every year?

It hurts a lot when you discover friends aren't or weren't really friends. It really does.

You sound considerate and caring. H sounds like a chilly, rude ignoramus. Were you really that close to such a person?

I think it's a good thing you've left him in the past. You clearly didn't realise what he was really like and now you know. Good riddance!

You mustn't get paranoid about your current friends. That is soul destroying and anticipating trouble where there may be none.

You may be ott, over attentive or whatever. I doubt it though and if you are, your current friends will bin you.

You sound like a lovely friend and don't assume other people's failings are in fact your own.

If it is only this one person who is making you feel like this, it's not you being weird.
Seeking out old friends is a perfectly normal thing to do, and to be honest, a perfectly normal way to respond if you weren't that into it would be to send a deliberately lack-lustre response that was quite obviously not leading to a meeting or something. It sounds to me that if that had happened, you would have understood, ticked it off, and left it at that. It was not knowing that made you carry on being the detective.

I think something has made him act oddly towards your attempts to get in touch and I bet it was something to do with him fancying you. Many men at university who have close female friends actually want to shag them. This means that his feelings about the friendship are not as straightforward as yours so he is acting oddly. Either:

he resents you that you never got it on;
he is married now and won't even address a single word to you as it is dangerous to be in contact with "the one that got away";

or

both.

It's not you. It's him.

Thanks winkywinkola - over the 10 years I probably contacted him every two years, then have contacted himabout 3 times in the last 6 months in my bid to get everyone together again. and contacted his friends by email once. And wrote a letter which I sent to his family home address too. When I read it I cringe that I didn't just stop!!

I have to say that you do come across a bit obsessive with your attempts and must have made him feel uncomfortable, it has been 20 years.
However you don't know if he is some sort of situation now that he prefers to keep the friendship in the past.
I would let it go, and not make any more attempts at trying to contact him.

Let it go, if he wanted to meet with you again he would have got in touch with you himself. People change over time, sometimes not always for the better. You are currently reminiscing over a friendship that does not exist anymore. Chances are if you were to meet him he would probably not be anything like the bloke you once knew. Enjoy the good memories but look to the future rather then the past, concentrate on forging closer ties with the people who at least give a shit about you rather then those individuals who dont.

I think I go too far the other way actually. I would love to reconnect with friends but I hate the thought of coming across as needy or weird, so I don't. But then I think of times when school friends have messaged me on facebook and I have chatted away but never tried to take it any further, for fear of reading it wrong.

But then I am quite inept socially anyway!

I don't think what you did was obsessive. If he and his friends want to paint it that way then they are nasty. It could all have been cleared up with a simple reply to your message, but he didn't, he kept it going.

People vary a lot. Via Facebook I have ended up in intermittent contact with a random assortment of people from university days. One person I contacted didn't reply. He'd been married to a close friend of mine, and I guessed that maybe he didn't want to remain in touch with people from that era. And one guy tried to get in touch with me. He'd been quite a good friend generally, but there had been a time when he'd hit me across the face. (I think he was mentally ill at the time.) So I blocked him, thinking 'No I don't want/need this person in my life.' Really not sure how I feel about reunions though. The two I've been to have just felt really sticky, and I can understand wanting to bow out from them.

I say good for you for organising the reunion. Clearly lots of other people were pleased to hear from you and will be looking foward to it.

He is actually a very rude man. He didn't even reply to your wedding invitation???

Brush yourself down and enjoy the party. Don't even give him another thought( maybe joined the Moonies or similar?!)

I am helping to do exactly the same thing as you for a 30 year celebration and the vast majority are delighted. A couple have vanished and one girl, the life and soul, who lives 10 minutes from the venue, has said possibly maybe...c'est la vie.

Let's concentrate on the people who ^do come and have a blast!x

3 times in the last 6 months when you're trying to arrange an event doesn't sound like stalking, it sounds like someone trying to make arrangements. I think the earlier poster was right, you ARE overthinking this. He is being rude, and has put you in this position by not having the decency to email you back straight away. You won't know why he doesn't want to stay in touch, you'll probably never find out, so try to let it go. It's really not worth your energy.

I have just had a message from his other friend this afternoon, saying for what its worth he thought it was kind of me to make such an effort to contact the man, he said (the mutual friend) has aways had a 'binary' approach to his social life, whatever that means, and that I should release myself, know its not me. He asked a few questions about the reunion, and said he would love to meet up with everyone. Feel slightly better about it now.

Did you really have a bit of a crush on this guy- be honest! (or him on you maybe?)

You seem to have a huge emotional investment in someone who was a platonic flat mate 20 years ago.

No honestly, no crush. I was going out with someone at the time, and when I started planning the re-union I thought it was going to be difficult if I tried to contact my ex (my first boyfriend) but he was actually really pleasant - didn't actually fancy the re-union, but we exchanged a couple of emails and that was that. He was the type who had big crushes on people, but I always genuinely thought that the three of us were just great friends... I guess I just remember uni as such a happy time, and because I couldn't see a reason why we'd fallen out of touch... it just didn't make sense. To me. I see that now though - he has his reasons.