I think I know that I have been unreasonable, but if anyone can understand how I feel and make me feel a little better about this situation, it might help me to move on.
Long story short, I had two very close friends at uni. One of them remains my best friend to this day - godmother to my children, regularly in touch, so glad she is in my life.
Soon after we left uni we would all meet up (two close friends, me, and several from the wider circle) but gradually life got in the way, and many of us drifted. I often dropped the other close friend a line - an email, a text - just to say hi. Before I realised it, he'd stopped replying. Then, I got married 8 years ago and invited him to the wedding, expecting that he'd be delighted. He never replied. At this point I should have taken the hint, but I worried something had happened to him, and sporadically over those intervening 8 years tried to make contact.
It is now 20 years since uni, and I wondered earlier in the year if I could organise a re-union. It became my pet project, and I researched as much as I could, trying to track down old friends. When I made contact I always phrased my emails carefully - appreciate re-union might not be your thing, but if you want to be in touch, or fancy getting together - great - but know people change blah blah. It became more important to me, because of the impending get-together, to trace my close friend.
I have been very open with dh about my enthusiasm for this re-union, and told him about this formerly good friend. There was never anything romantic between us, and I don't hold a flame for him - I just worried maybe something bad had happened, or maybe I'd upset him. I wanted the chance to make it right, if that was the case.
So, last few months I've tried that bit harder to contact him. I sent a message to two of his pals to see if they knew if he was ok. I then received an automatic email to say that this old friend had joined Linkdin, so then knew he was alive and well, and knew where he was working. I dropped him an email at work, expecting him to say how lovely to hear from me. But nothing.
I realise I should have taken the hint long ago - for whatever reason, he no longer wants any contact with me, or my other friends. But intrigued, and concerned, I wanted to find out if we could 'welcome' him back to the fold as it were. So I sent another email to his friend. I got a curt reply back saying he knew I was trying to contact me, and if he wished to make contact he would.
I felt devastated. It felt like I had been stalking him/harrassing him, and I immediately apologised, saying I genuinely didn't know if my messages had been reaching him, and I only wanted to know he was ok.
I feel ashamed that I have behaved obsessively, and potentially hounded this chap, when I only wanted to know firstly if he was ok, and secondly if there was anything I had unintentionally done to upset him, causing us to lose touch.
Dh has discussed it with me and said he can't have been a very good friend if we drifted apart, which I understand, and I know people change. I just feel upset that the friendship clearly meant so little to the other person, when we were such close confidantes over three years, and shared a house in our final year, supporting each other through ups and downs. I'm worried that my enthusiasm for finding out about this old friend could be interpreted as harrassment, and can't really believe I have behaved in this way. I'm doubting everything now, and it has affected my confidence to the extent that when I see friends in real life, I feel that they don't want to know me because I'm too intense. I'm embarrassed about it. I just thought I was being a good friend, and in real life I do try to be nice and friendly, but I'm looking at it all differently now, and thinking that my keenness to be 'nice' looks creepy to people, and they are spooked by it. I feel really upset, and keep crying about it. I feel the loss of this friendship, and also I am shaken by this re-evaluation of my personality. I no longer think that I'm just friendly and caring, but perhaps there is something wrong with me. Does that make sense?