DD has cancer. DH having affair. What to do?

[BakedBeanJuice]

Posting on behalf of a friend. Married 8 Years , two DC's aged 8 and 4 the youngest has a form of cancer. Her Dh recently said he has realised he doesn't love her and wants to separate. Behaviour showed all the signs of affair but she has only just tonight found proof by snooping (found emails from other woman). What should she do?

She has photographed all the incriminating emails. She hopes to get an appointment with a solicitor ASAP tomorrow. She's going to TRY not to confront him. Told her to photocopy his payslips. What else?

Any financial advice? She had to give up work to care for her DD and has also been on antidepressants. The doctor signed her off with a stress related illness so she could get benefits to help out as they were struggling without her income. Could he use this 'stress related illness' against her if it came to any custody battles?

I'm devastated for her. They've had the year from hell with DD's illness but I never thought this of him.

Any advice?

I assume she's still at home caring for DD. Do you think he'll want to stay at home taking care of her, or pay someone else to do it?
Was the stress related to work or undefined?
Because she might want to relate the stress to his behaviour, although having a child with cancer should be enough for any caring parent.

so sorry for your friend and her dd. I didn't want to read and run and wish I had worldly advice but I just think get to solicitor to find out where she stands.

syd

A solicitor will give good advice but your friend must be careful not to use them as a counsellor. They are expensive. She needs to go with things straight in her head and questions prepared ready to ask.

The stress was undefined. At this stage I don't think he will go for custody, he seems to want to escape and run away to his lover. My friend is just worried he could use it against her in the future.

Sydlexic I really hope you have posted in the wrong thread by accident.

Unlikely that the courts would be interested in her stress related illness unless it seriously impacts her ability to look after the children. Indeed, it could work in her favour if he tries to use this against her. The courts prefer parents who act reasonably and try to sort things out with their ex rather than flinging irrelevant accusations around.

Her solicitor should give her advice on what she may get financially. She will almost certainly be advised not to move out. The basic principle is that all their assets go into a pot to be divided fairly between them. Even if an asset nominally belongs to just one of them it still goes into the pot. A fair division of the assets doesn't necessarily mean they will be split 50/50. That depends on a range of factors. But the courts will want to be sure that she and her children have a roof over their heads.

Note that the courts cannot in general order child maintenance unless it is part of a consent order (i.e. something agreed between the parents). If they cannot agree she will have to go through the CSA/CMEC for child maintenance.

THanks that's very helpful. If they sell the house is it up to them to decide how to split the equity? And if they don't agree then they go to court?

Yes, that's right. If they can agree how to split things up they should get a consent order. Basically a solicitor will turn their agreement into appropriate legal wording and the courts rubber stamp it once they have checked it is fair. That prevents either party coming back later and trying to claim more money. So, for example, if she wins the lottery 6 months later he wouldn't be able to claim a slice of her winnings.

syd if only it were that simple!

Tell her to get all the important paperwork together and get it to your house - birth certs, marriage certs, payslips, bank statements, mortgage statements, credit agreements, credit card statements, his pension paperwork, pasports, tax paperwork etc. Anything she can lay her hands on that has financial or legal implications

How much of the childcare does he do? That is the main basis for residency unless she is a danger to the children (which it really doesn't sound like, far from it in fact), in which case what is he doing fucking off and leaving them with her? Doesn't look good for him does it?

And tbh if she didn't have something stress related with all that to cope with then she'd be superwoman!

The possibility that he would use that against her suggests to me that he could be abusive. Emotionally abusive?? Prior to meeting a solicitor I'd start writing down every time he'd put her down or behaved in a controlling manner. Build up a picture. She might not need it but it may come in useful.

He sounds a gem btw

He works full time, quite long hours, tries to get back for bedtime story. Has quite a lot of hobbies that take him away from the house at weekends. Not terrible but considering the circumstances not exactly selfless either.

I don't think he would go for residency and if he did would never win because she's an amazing mum but her minds in a whirl and she's thinking he's capable of anything.

There has been a new development. He recently inherited about £10k and in anger at finding the emails from the OW she's transferred it to her separate account and changed the password.

Was it in a joint account when she did that? If so then it's tough for him I think - doesn't matter where it came from. That was 'joint' money. If she's transferred it effectively fraudulently from his own account then she needs to give it back quick.

Baked - good for her re the transfer.

Ha! That made me smile!

It was in the joint account.

If the financial arrangements have to be sorted out by the courts the fact that she has taken £10k from their joint account may count against her and result in a reduced settlement. She should tell her solicitor what she has done.

Is your friend sure he is doing his hobbies and not his OW? for her and her children.

Yes I was worried about that prh47. Yes Toffee and also the penny has dropped about the longer hours, more client dinners and overnight team bonding away days.

I don't think it's correct to say they can decide how to divide the assets between them if they sell the house. (Bow to superior knowledge of prh if you are a divorce lawyer.)

The courts will decide what the split should be- otherwise how would there be a conclusion for a couple who could not agree?

If she has secreted £10K away then she will have to own up to this- she can't take joint assets and call them hers.

It won't count against her in a moral sense, but if she was to get £250K and her ex the same and she had already taken £10K then she'd get £240K.

Judges decide on the sums for each couple if it goes as far as court. It may be 50-50, it could be 60-40, it could be 70-30 on the understanding she doesn't have any claim on his pension in time, and it's a totally clean break. She could also be awarded more on the basis that she has reduced earning power as the main carer for a sick child.

But if they can agree on it there's no need for the expense of going to court.

I don't think it's correct to say they can decide how to divide the assets between them

Yes it is. The courts will decide if a couple cannot agree but that does NOT mean the courts have to decide every single case, even when the couple are agreed. That would be a waste of time and money.

If the couple agree the finances between them they can get a consent order as I said previously. That basically means the courts rubber stamp their agreement, although they will refuse to do so if it is obviously unfair. There doesn't have to be a consent order - the couple can simply agree and split the finances without any court order at all. But a court order guarantees that there is closure with no possibility of either party coming back for more at a later date.

If the couple cannot agree the courts will decide for them. But divorcing couples should always try to avoid that scenario because it means money is eaten up in legal fees, reducing the size of the pot to be split between them.

Just to add, it is similar to other family matters. Take contact, for example. If the couple can agree contact arrangements between them there will be no need for the courts to get involved. But if they cannot agree the courts will decide.

The courts are there to resolve disputes. Where there is no dispute there is no need for the courts to get involved.

I don't have anything practical to add but what a cocking bastard. Your poor friend.

prh that is what I meant :) but it's tricky because some couples may not be honest with the finances ( money stashed away etc) . If it's all amicable and they agree on what to do- fine. But I have known cases where the man ( as it often is) has had pension funds or savings that were 'hidden' and he managed to keep them simply because of the wife's ignorance that they existed at all!

are you in England? as if in Scotland the 10K inheritance would be considered all his not joint money, although your friend is the wronged one generally; she should not have taken his inheritance and needs to put it back as it does not look good and could lead to allegations that she has done it before etc

sometimes you can get assets frozen so they can not be spent or moved around, obviously not day to day money but serious savings etc