help - dh going to strip club on stag thought makes me feel awful

[gingernutlover]

am I weird for not wnating him to go?

it is my brothers stag and he says he shoulkd go so as to not offend db "you know what he's like"

the thought of him watching those women and paying for lapdances etc just makesme feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I am trying to be okay about it but just cannot get it out of my mind. I am not like those women, far from it, so can see what he would get out of it, feel really threatened.

I know if I make a fus I will be "stopping him having any fun" which isnt true, if it was paintballing, karting golf etc etc etc I'd love him to go, infact I wish he did have more freinds and di go out and enjoyu himslef.

iu cannot stop thinking about this and I know i'm probably being crappy towards him at the moment.

just wanted a rant - feel really crap at the moment about it all.

BUT YOUR NOT BEING UPTIGHT!!!!

Sorry i have the same convo's with my sisters who's dp's seem very much like yours. though they keep the fact they mind hush hush and pretend they dont care.

You are completley normal as many women have posted they would be pissed off with there dp/dh's if they went to a strip club.

i wouldnt be worried.

it would piss me off but i wouldnt worry about him doing anything.
theyd have him for lunch.
i imagine most men would find them intimidating.

just got dh's view on the gallery.
he says they all look like they have just been made in a factory.

he also thinks, and i dont mean to offend anyone and neither does he, that these women would only mess around with blokes who had a lot of money, like footballers etc.

is it the birmingham one? full of ropey old bags with too much make up on.

gingernutlover,

The comment below of yours is quite revealing and I think this is part of the underlying reasons for your discomfort/unease over the whole thing (having gone through the same sort of feelings myself recently and come out the other side):-

"I am not confident especially about my appearance. sounds silly but I couldnt believe my luck when he first fancied me, and am a bit baffled that he still fancies me 9 years on. The self esteem thing goes back to bullying at school so isnt caused by him".

Your own self esteem and worth are tied up in this image of you and your own self worth is playing a large part here in how you feel. I reckon that if any of us on MN were to meet you in real life we would think that you were both attractive and outgoing. You probably do not fully believe you are like this.

Do not be baffled that your DH still fancies you nine years on - you're doing great and you must be doing something right!.

Work on your own self confidence - I know how hard that is because I am not a confident person by my very nature and find social gatherings very hard.
Do something for your own self re confidence like an evening/day class. That may sound twee but it may well help you. Meet other people and make friends. Do something for you. Do not let the bullies from your own past continue to cast aspersions on your own self worth and esteem.

With best wishes

Attila

This sounds like me 2 months ago.

I was really uncomfortable with the idea, i found it seedy and degrading and the thought of him watching naked ladies etc etc - basically exactly how you feel.

We talked loads about it and i explained how I felt. He appeared to listen and to respect my feelings and after promising he wouldnt go, I felt much better.

He went. He had lap dances and private dances and had some strippers knickers in his mouth.

He betrayed my trust, he showed me he didnt respect me, he knowingly hurt me.

He now lives with his mother and has done since he got back from said stag do.

ace tamba- your wording is f'ing ace.

lmfao.

not at your misfortune but your sheer genius!

x

thanks for your kind words and encouragement.

tamba at way your dh behaved but well done you for making a stand, what a prat! Also, hope the cake baking is going well. It inspired me to buy a book too and have just made my first novelty cake - looked ace. Think I may enrol on a sugar craft class.

I spoke to dh last night which resulted in a huige argument, but we spoke again this morning and we have agreed that if the stag does include a trip to a strip club (now turns out hes not sure and I think my db may have been winding me up) he will go as they have to get a mini bus there and back and he doesnt want to get a late night train on his own - I dont want him to either, there was a few recent nasty incidents on that train line. He will sit with best man who is gay and has promised not to get involved in lap dances etc but just sit on the side lines. I am almost 100% happy with this. I really want him to have a night out and do trust him to do what he says.

I have exlained to him about my feelings and I think he now understands it is to do with my self esteem rather than my trust in him. Sometimes you just need to hear them say the obvious don't you . I still cannot understand what he sees in me but guessing after 9 years he is not going to suddenly change his mind about liking me

thanks you so much for letting me vent all of that and being so kind and constructive. I realise I am lucky to have him as I do trust him - just cannot get over things which have happened before I met him and in the back of my mind there is always the little voice saying it is too good to be true and that one day he will let me down because that is what happens to me. Fingers crossed I have picked a goodun and all will be happy ever after.

I find the whole idea of them a bit tittilation for teenage boys tbh BUT don't think they aer a threat to a relationship unless the partner like you has self esteem issues and then I would hope dp would put your feelings 1st and not go.

You are right, it is not a threat to our relationship - in tyhat he is not exactly going to go off and shag one of them, or anyone else.

I really do want him to have a night out, he needs to have more of a life in my opinion. I wish he would go out. It's just rather unfortuntae that its not just a drink down the pub with the lads. I think he has self esteem issues too, says he is too shy to go out, doesnt know what to say to anyone etc.

Think I may have to puit up with it in the knowledge that he really needs to have night out and soend some time with someone other than me and dd.

gingernutlover

a friend recently worked in a strip club where she pole danced and did lap dances for people.these only lasted 3 mins and cost around £10 a time.the men had to sit with their hands behind their backs, weren't allowed to say anythng dirty to her and certainly werent allowed to touch her.all they could do was watch.admittedly she was cms/inches from their faces but they had to wear a g string and werent allowed to be naked.(the women, not the men)
i know id be worried/upset if my dp was to want to go to one of those places on a stag do but in reality these women arent any different from you or me, the men arent allowed to touch them in the ones around here, dont know about where you live.the drinks cost the earth and a lap dance is over before its begun! talk to him and tell him how you feel.men egg each other on but in reality alot of them are embarassed at their frineds seeing them in that position, especially if relatives are present!
if it was me, id make sure he'd know i was at home waiting for him at the end of the night wearing something very provocative etc! nice thought for him whilst he's out.im sure he'd rather have the thought of you in his head rather than some woman who dances around for money who he cant even talk dirty to let alone touch!
hope i haven't repeated alot that's already been said. ive just skimmed your post.
good luck

gnl

I think you've handled the whole thing really well. You've found a solution that you're both OK with and been open with each other at the same time. I reckon it's a good point for your relationship....

Well done to you

p.s. (whispers) the huge majority of men don't see strippers as real women (whole other debate I know!)

Message withdrawn