I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

[BunnyLebowski]

I was going to name change but fuck it.

I have no friends. None. Not one.

I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.

I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it .

I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.

I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.

However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie .

I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.

I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.

I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.

In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.

One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.

Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies .

I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??

When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.

I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? .

How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?

Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!

If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant for you.

[BunnyLebowski]

"How come you & DH never talk to women?"

Where have I said that?! . I said we don't socialise with women because the only socialising we do together is when a friend of his comes round to drink beer and watch films. Maybe once every 3 months.

DP goes to work and talks to plenty of women. And men. He comes home, we watch telly.

I take DD to school and walk the dog. I say hello to women and men.

We have no childcare so never go out together. He goes to his mate's house once a week to eat vegan food and watch Game of Thrones. I stay at home with DD.

That is our life. It's isolating and puts a lot of pressure on us as we are together 90% of the time.

That is precisely what I want to change. I want my own friends. I want a life outside of the house.

[LEMmingaround]

oh, and you want to go to museums and cinema???

Sigh

I really want to be bunny's friend now.

[Taffeta]

Add message | Report | Message poster CailinDana
Do you notice bunny that people are saying "I'll be your friend, I like...martini/beck/50s style. That is not what friendship is about. My friends and I have quite different tastes. We like each other not how cool or weird we are.

Exactly. If you told me 10 years ago I would be friends with a Tory councillor I'd have eaten my hat.

[lottieandmia]

I go to the cinema on my own

[MadBusLady]

Similar with my friends Cailin. If I only wanted friends with similar tastes to me I'd be fishing from a very small pool - of weirdos, quite honestly, a lot of the time. I think after a couple of incidents where you take certain tastes as a shorthand for "is a decent person" and they turn out to be bonkers/racist/etc, you stop wearing you're "I'm weird, me" badge of honour quite so much.

[LEMmingaround]

Can you get a hobby? not cupcake making or fecking crochet but something you've always wanted to do? Then you would meet people with similar interests?

[MadBusLady]

*your

[LEMmingaround]

I do know what you mean, but the longest lasting friends in my life are the people i worked with at uni (PhD rather than degree - it was more of a workplace than study place if that makes sense). I find it impossible to make friends with other mums at the school. Don't get past the superficial - but honestly, i'd rather that than make small talk about what blinds they have had fitted or their new kitchen.

[GarlicReturns]

I had the impression you & DP went out together, meeting his (male) friends only. You've now explained that isn't the case. Thanks.

OK, well your thread's found a whole bunch of Mumsnetters who self-define in the same way as you! Hope it works out for you all :)

[Alifelivedforwards]

I think you sound fabulous too BUT if you want some brutal commentary...I reckon people think you think you are better than them and I think they are right!

Your posts scream 'I'm more different, intelligent, high brow, quirky, funny' than everyone else so no-one 'gets me'.

You do know most of us are self-conscious, awkward, weirdo loonies inside our heads whether we have hundreds of friends or none?

Personally , I have the most staggering case of bitchy resting face, I hate rom coms, I'm sarcastic and intolerant...yet I have lots of friends and a great social life because I accept not everyone is going to be exactly to my liking, that I have to smile and put myself out there and I will make small talk if that's the way to deeper talk. It takes new people a long time to 'get me' too but they do in the end!! I am also lucky as I have a core group of very old, very close friends who love me warts and all and I them. We are all very different.

So if you are honestly looking for advice, you need to be braver and friendlier and hang on in there. Be a good listener too and don't judge people too harshly or write them off straight away...

I don't mean any of this offensively...I think you sound bloody marvellous.

[GarlicReturns]

MadBus at 19:05 Y

[mostlyharmless]

I'm finding this thread a bit difficult to post on. We have a lot in common Bunny, including being an acquired taste - but how do people who are acquired taste get past that bit to actually being friends?

Any chance you want to go see 12 years a slave? I want to but DH doesn't.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Another one signing in. I started a near identical thread on New Year's Eve. Everyone was so lovely.

It's hard when you have a dry sense of humour and appear confident. I think people assume you don't need more friends.

I'll be your friend. But I too am far away. I loathe shopping, talking babies, all girly activities. I am very sarcastic and a pushover too.

:)

[BunnyLebowski]

One of my hobbies is make-up. I spend quite a bit of time following YouTube tutorials and doing crazy make-up. It doesn't really get me out of the house though. Hmmm.

Cinema, museums, galleries - I like to think I'm fairly cultured and can hold my own on most topics. History and architecture and travel are more of my interests. I'd love to have a girl's weekend away somewhere beautiful someday. We travel as a family and it's great but other travel mates would be more than welcome.

[HogiBear27]

I think most people have a handful or fewer of 'true' friends - ie they could call them at 3am. I have 2 close friends (as in I could talk to them about anything) but they live away. I've definately been burnt by 'friends' in the past who have taken far more than they gave but I can see where I perhaps went wrong as well.

I have made new friends through a couple of hobbies that I have taken up in the last 9 months and the girls there are the ones who are coming for a birthday lunch.

I have never been the popular one (looking back I have been a bit too serious and wound up tight) but I seem to be loosening up a bit, though I will never be a clubber or a girly girl.

I find it a bit easier to not get massively involved with people. As in: have a laugh with them, go out for coffee etc but don't get overly wound up about the choices they are making, even if you think you can see where they are going wrong!

I would definately recommend a hobby/volunteering when dc and time permit.

[BunnyLebowski]

I am being judgemental Awful. I admit as much in my OP.

It's my biggest character flaw and I'm trying really hard to change it.

I am taking all comments on board, positive and negative. And blubbing to DP like a loon.

[QueenThora]

I agree it is true you don't have to have everything in common with a good friend.

I have a friend who is a gentle, sweet-natured Christian, I'm a rampant atheist. I have a friend who disagrees with vaccination and has not vaccinated her kids – I deeply disagree with that, and tread carefully with her on that subject, but we get on in many ways. Another friend is about to send her DC to private school - again I have some major ishoos with that, but it would be a daft reason to reject someone out of hand when they can be a good friend.

There are some deal-breakers, and some friendships end, but the above aren't among them. So if you're thinking "not my type" based on things like this, you could be missing out on true friendships.

[mostlyharmless]

I think this is one of those threads you post when you're feeling a bit low and think 'I need friends! I need a social life!' and then when people start posting and offering you realise, actually, all that shit is pretty hard work, and decide not to bother .

[QueenThora]

I don't know, I'm proof that you can change from being in Bunny's position to having friends. I have become less judgmental (MN has helped with this too), more open-minded and more confident over time, I think Bunny can do the same.

It is hard to get past growing up being bullied. It does affect many people's lives in ways exactly like this.

[BunnyLebowski]

mostly I am completely willing to make the effort and to risk my dignity and put myself out there.

I just don't know where to start!

Will have a mooch for local friend making sites. No harm in looking!

[BunnyLebowski]

Thank you Queen.

I was hugely affected by my Mean Girl experiences. They changed the whole course of my life and my personality.

I think it has made me doubtful and suspicious about female friends. About my ability to make them and their ability to not fuck me over.

Obviously logically I know that I was unlucky and that women are fantastic. MN is daily proof of that.

But my issues still kick in .