I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

[BunnyLebowski]

I was going to name change but fuck it.

I have no friends. None. Not one.

I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.

I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it .

I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.

I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.

However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie .

I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.

I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.

I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.

In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.

One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.

Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies .

I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??

When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.

I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? .

How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?

Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!

If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant for you.

[FutureDreamer]

Any woman who posts a pic of their legs after getting stuck in a window on an internet site sounds like someone worth hanging out with.

I recognise my own character in your post though I don't do kitsch and I'd guess therein lies the problem: you've set your sights to narrowly. I'm a slightly judgy expat - But I don't always get to be picky: sometimes I have to take what I can get and often when I do I'm pleasantly surprised.

[SirRaymondClench]

I am near Leeds Bunny
If you're near me I would happily meet up for a coffee!

[BunnyLebowski]

I know, I know. FB is the work of the devil. And I do raise my eyebrow at people checking in at every bar they go to on a night out. If they were having such a great time they wouldn't have time!

The only thing that stops me from de-registering is that if I did I would literally only talk to the dog and DD all day.

[QueenThora]

You sound like the kind of person I'd like as a friend Bunny - in fact you have made me lmao before on other threads :) But then there are loads of people on MN who make me think "why isn't anyone this sarcastic and funny in RL?" They are probably out there but it's hard to open up and show your true colours in that smalltalk situation isn't it.

I also suffered with girl gang bullying when I was growing up and was a "man's woman" for a long time. I only had male friends because I couldn't be arsed with the bitching and neediness and subtle nuances of who was offended and why.

Now, at 44 I'm the total opposite. I made a really good female friend when I was around 25 - my first ever. Actually, she did turn out to be needy and professionally offended and treated me like shit, but somehow it opened a door for me. When she started being vile to me I simply cut her off and I realised friendship isn't about having to please people or fit in, it's about mutual respect. Since then I've made many female friends and felt much more confident.

It's not a bed of roses, I still make friends then realise I need to extricate myself, I still find it takes a lot of effort to get close to people, I still hate smalltalk. And I do have some lovely friends with whom I have to hold myself back, because the full x-rated, swearing, massively opinionated, radical feminist me would be a bit much for them. (Luckily DP and a couple of friends can cope with the full monty)

I would say don't write off women for appearing dull - they may not be underneath. And while men are great, try not to appear to be a man's woman as it can make other women suspicious. And lastly, do or join something to make friends - like a writing group, knitting stitch & bitch group or band/choir. It is much easier to bond and reveal the real you over an activity, rather than through chit-chat.

[Badvoc]

I quite like chatting to people but it rarely leads to lasting friendship...I have lots of people I like (aquaintances?) but not many I would phone at 2am if I was in trouble.

[YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka]

trice makes a good point, there are other factors in friendship than just similar tastes. Similar ideals, values, sense of humour can be just as important.

But that said, are there any places near you that you'd be more likely to bump into a like-minded person? Places you like to hang out? An indie cinema, a vintage clothes shop, a trendy retro tearoom?

[BunnyLebowski]

Future you remember my legs????!!!!

SirRaymond I'm in North Leeds but have wheels and too much spare time so happy to travel! Woo!

[EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip]

I like the sound of you Bunny, get yourself down to South Wales. I too have a bitchy resting face and enjoy a dry martini.

[youbethemummylion]

I too have aproximately 1 friend and I dont even think she likes me that much. I just can turn aquaintances into friends and at 30 I kind of think everyones already sorted friend wise so wont be wanting to add me to their group. Im in the North East so not too far but also not that close either but if you ever fancy a day trip let me know.

[AwfulMaureen]

Bunny you sound right up my street...I wish you were. I live in Cheshire.

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

My first thought reading your op was that Ellie isn't friends with another Ellie. She doesn't hang around with a group of Ellie's. Her best friend is Jules who is completely different.

[CatAmongThePigeons]

You sound similar to me Bunny, I've felt that I quite fit in with everyone else, the last night I had out was with DHs colleagues, not exactly a sparkling night out.

I went to a toddler group today, sat with others and then I was ignored- they turned their backs on me.

I've met one mum at a toddler group, she's the total opposite to me in a lot of ways but she is great. I have a friend, new friend.

[lottieandmia]

I only have one friend who understands me and I've known her since I was 12. We see each other maybe a few times a year because she doesn't live in the same town any more.

I have a lot of 'fair weather' friends. People who would profess to be my friend but who I couldn't actually trust. I do feel a bit isolated sometimes.

Bunny have you had counselling about the bullying you've encountered in the past? Maybe that could help? I was also bullied at various times. I know exactly what you mean when you say it seems everyone else is having a great time.

[FedUpWithJudgementalPeople]

I decided I wanted to meet some new people a couple of years ago and tried the following:-

www.citysocializer.com
this is almost like a dating site but for friends. There's lots of different events on each week e.g. drinks, comedy, meals and you just sign up for stuff and turn up. It was quite good but if I'm honest I didn't really make any long lasting friendships. However I did go out to lots of things I wouldn't have done otherwise so it served it's purpose. Also I stopped my subcription (you pay monthly) after a while so perhaps if I'd stuck with it I would have made more friends.

www.meetup.com
This is a free site and there are all sorts of interest groups. I've joined a walking meetup and a gig meetup - but there's loads of stuff.

I also joined a choir in my area.
www.rockchoir.com (it's nationwide).

What I would say is that you can't expect to instantly have new friends or to force friendships - it does happen over time and for example I've been in the choir for 2 years now and only now feel like I am getting to know people. But if you stick with it and keep going, you will make friends. They might not be 'soulmate' type friends but at least being out and about at stuff beats watching boxsets every night?

[Badvoc]

I am in the midlands :(
I have been told I "don't suffer fools gladly"
I mean, Ffs...who does!?
I have decided I shall have a motto.
With a crest and everything.
It shall be
"Honi soi qe mal qe fuck"
:)

[turbochildren]

Oh, I know Bunny, it took ages. FWIW if inane chatter really sets Your teeth on edge do not persevere for the sake of it. i've just never gotten into groups or cliques either. Every time I thought I got in it turned out i was too weird... :) it was Luck that I found the ones i did, or maybe just breathless gratitude someone would talk to me! they're all sort of separate though. Dinner parties or anything like that is not happening as i'd just serve toast and ribena.
Not immediately possible for you, but I started studying something i really love and have got stuck into that.

[Taffeta]

Disclaimer : Haven't read entire thread

It's taken me 5 years of school run to finally connect with 5 others who are like minded. They don't have boys the same age as my PFB and I was trying for too long with PFBs friends mums who are nice but not me, iykwim.

I still have friends from other walks of life but they live further away and see them irregularly. This lot are an eclectic bunch to say the least but I guess our commonality is that we aren't like the others.

So hang on in there, sometimes it just takes time.

[QueenThora]

Also, is work (or a course with the aim of developing your career?) out of the question - obviously not right now, but it could be something to start planning for when dc2 is old enough for nursery.

Work can great for friendships if you are doing something that attracts like-minded people, and it can give you confidence too.

[JumpingJackSprat]

I wish you were closer to me because you sound like my kind of person! I moved away from my family and for the first year I was so lonely. Still haven't made any real "just come over for a chat" kind of friends but it doesn't bother me so much anymore. The person I used to think was my best friend made it clear she wasn't bothered when I wasnt on hand whenever she was bored and I ditched her eventually. I don't like going to clubs bars or pubs and there's not a lot else to do here.

[frugalfuzzpig]

You sound awesome to me.

Move to Sussex will ya? :o

[ouryve]

If you're a loser, then so am I. I also have the resting bitch face and people find me intimidating, too. I'm soft as clarts, really.

The killer for me is lack of grown up conversation (and I don't mean of the filthy kind - I can get that here on a Friday night). I've been doing some rather interlectewally stimulating voluntary stuff once a month, which breaks things up nicely, even though I'm possibly the youngest one doing it (there's people there 4 decades older than me.)

[NettleTea]

oooh Im in sussex. frugal

[mostlyharmless]

I'm in Leeds. No time to post now but will check back later.

[BunnyLebowski]

I am in equal parts relieved and infuriated that there are so many of you like me but so far away .

It must mean there are me people near hear too though.

I have read about those social meet-up websites before but I am terrified! Especially without the social lubricant that is to help steady my nerves!

[GarlicReturns]

Your thread's filling up nicely with warm, fluffy posts from women who think you sound ace, Bunny.

Women, see?! If you keep writing us all off as brainless pink princesses, you can be damn sure none of us will go out of our way to prove otherwise. Why the fuck should we? Your OP came across as supercilious to me. If you think you're too smart to be a woman, have a conversation with your genitals. I think you'll find they're female.

Men mostly do light chit-chat about sports and cars. Women tend to do it about children, shopping & skincare. They're just ice-breakers. As you're so cool about kitsch, why can't you converse about that with women? It's shopping, isn't it?

In short - with warmth, but no fluff - get over yourself and open up!