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Original poster

why do so many men run away after a disagrerment?

42 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 22/01/2014 07:22

I have noticed that some men cannot handle any kind of disagreement. Things were ok between my ex and I...lots of passion and some good times. However,we had a row about something trvial and he was off. Same with my last man.
The rows often went like this.. I politely brought up something I didnt like. They would fly off the handle and turn their phones off for days. In the mean time I would get very upset and try calling them to sort out row. They would say I was too anxous and dump me.
Hmmm.best off out? I wouldnt be anxious if i felt secure enough to disagree without some huge fall out.
I was with my ex for 5 months. We had one fall out over nothing much...commitment issues basically. he said if we had another one he would have dumped me anyway.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 07:27

It's not 'men', it's immature, insecure (you're quite right) people who don't have the intelligence or confidence to be able to argue a point and disagree without treating it as a personal attack. 'Sulking' - which is what you're describing - is a common tactic among bullies and cowards.

Sometimes, of course, the relationship has simply run its course and they treat the next disagreement as their 'get out of jail free card'.... an excuse.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 22/01/2014 07:28

Lots of people cant handle conflict.

They get aggressive, or sulk, or get passive aggressive, or stonewall...

I think the number of people who can assertively resolve conflict is actually quite low.

Original poster
superstarheartbreaker · 22/01/2014 07:32

He was in love but because I had an isdue with him nevet having any monet despite him being in a good wage, he ran.

OP posts:
akawisey · 22/01/2014 07:35

Bullet dodged then.

FrogStarandRoses · 22/01/2014 07:36

Leaving aside abusive, manipulative relationships, it really is true that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

Men do need to retreat into their cave at times, and many of them feel guilty about doing so and therefore get defensive about it!

I've been guilty of standing at DHs cave entrance and trying to drag him out by the hair - metaphorically speaking, of course. Understandably, he gets upset about that - just as upset as I am about him retreating into his cave in the first place!

tribpot · 22/01/2014 07:46

In the mean time I would get very upset and try calling them to sort out row.

Exactly. And that means they 'win', and you learn not to assert your opinion, feelings or wishes. It's not 'men', it's emotional fuckwits.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 07:47

Men are not from bloody Mars.... Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 07:50

"He was in love but because I had an isdue with him nevet having any monet despite him being in a good wage, he ran."

LOL! He was 'in love' with his self-delusion that he was a wealthy man of unlimited means.... You were the kid who told the Emperor he had No Clothes. Some people just can't handle the reality of who they are and get very upset with anyone that holds up the mirror and challenges the delusion.

EBearhug · 22/01/2014 08:00

nevet having any monet

I could never be with a man who doesn't have his own Impressionist art collection...

(Sorry, OP, couldn't resist.)

EBearhug · 22/01/2014 08:10

Men and women are both from Earth.

Not everyone handles conflict well. Some people will run away from it. If that means they go into the next room or somewhere to calm down for an hour or so, that's not a problem, if they then come back and talk about it when they've had time to think and everybody has calmed down.

The trouble is with the ones who won't talk about it after, when they do come back, but both men and women can behave this way. But if the other person won't meet them halfway, but keeps attacking, I can understand why they won't want to reopen negotiations. Good conflict resolution takes work from both sides - and sometimes in situations like this, one person has been turning it over in their mind for ages, but the other person has no idea, so to them, it seems like it's coming from nowhere, and they've not had the same time to think about it.

bobbywash · 22/01/2014 08:25

Reading the op and just imagine the roles being reversed.

The advice would be, you sound needy, not everyone handles conflict the same way. If people want space you should give them the space. I love the phrase "I politely bought up something I didn't like, and they would fly off the handle"

This would suggest that maybe it wasn't as polite as you thought, especially if it's more than one. I think you need to look at yourself too and the way you react.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 22/01/2014 08:27

DP and I both hate conflict, but sometimes, like all couples, we argue. Unfortunately, we live in a tiny flat with no "spare room" to go to for some space - and by that I mean we have a bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom. There's not even a living room or box room to hide in for a while.

I have been known to go out for a while following a row (not storming out - I'll go out and get a coffee or something, or DP will go out and get some cigarettes) and it gives us 20-30 minutes of space to think and calm down before we discuss a problem. There's a difference between wanting space and going out or to have a bath for an hour, and storming out and not getting in touch for 3-4 hours. One is normal and one is passive aggressive and very controlling.

Only you know which category your partner falls into.

LividofLondon · 22/01/2014 08:51

Possibly, Bobby but I can give you an example of when I was in a situation like the OP and I still (over 20 years later) think he was the arse not me...

XBF was supposed to pick me up at 7pm and take me out for the evening. He called me from the pub at 9pm telling me what a fun time he was having. I calmly reminded him of our arrangement and apologetically he said he'd be round straight away. He arrived 2 hours later (and it was less than 30 minute drive). I was desperate to make the most of the time left (no way I'd do that these days but I was very young then) I said it was lovely to see him but I was upset about him being 4 hours late. He stormed off shouting "you don't care about me!", and never came back. He refused to take my calls so I eventually realised I'd been dumped, and was left thinking WTF happened there. It was out of the blue, things had been fine up till then, and it was our first "conflict" (if you can call it that, it was all very calm and non-accusatory). There are some odd people out there whose behaviour leaves you ShockConfused

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 08:52

@bobbywash... taking a little time out, going for a walk or something else to calm a situation down is really not the same as storming off in a huff, cutting off contact for days and/or ending the relationship.

CuChullain · 22/01/2014 09:12

"... taking a little time out, going for a walk or something else to calm a situation down is really not the same as storming off in a huff, cutting off contact for days and/or ending the relationship."

Exactly Cogito

With my ex I used to take time out when I used to get so exasperated with her circular form of debate (arguing) where any reason or logic went out the window and she would just state the same thing again and again without actually listening or taking on board to anything that had been discussed. I did not want to lose my cool so I just used to say that we would talk about it again in 30 mins or so as I literally had to get out for the place to calm down. Nothing to do with ‘man caves’ or any other derogatory nonsense.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2014 09:15

You've been picking some shit men, op

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 09:18

Men are not from Mars. They are from Earth. Just like women are. I get really annoyed by people spouting this sexist crap that only serves to excuse men for behaving like children and blame women for expecting them to behave any differently.

My exH was just like this OP.

My brother is not like this.

My one friend's husband is like this.

Most of my friend's husbands are not.

FrogStarandRoses · 22/01/2014 09:41

And I get annoyed by people spouting feminist crap and interpreting any suggestion that men and women are different as a criticism of women. But hey - everyone's different and no one is right or wrong.

In the OPs case, the fact that her DP linked their disagreement with separation/ending the relationship could equally suggest a lack of security on his part rather than EA - but who knows?

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 10:10

I just think it's more likely to be a case of 'individual differences' and the fact that all people react to things slightly differently based on all sorts of things: their temperament; other things they have on their mind at that time; behaviour they have learned from parents than an inherent difference between men and women.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 10:12

Feminist crap? I'm not interpreting 'Men are from Mars' and similar rubbish as criticism of women, I'm interpreting it as too often being trotted out as carte blanche for men to get away with blue murder.... :)

They can't help their little selves.... it's because they are men... poor dears....

FrogStarandRoses · 22/01/2014 10:22

cognito - I've often argued that I "can't help nagging at my DH" because I'm from Venus! It's not all always an excuse for men!

I agree entirely that individuals are responsible for their own reactions - however, given that the number of times I've read the MN mantra that "mums are more nurturing/better at primary care/naturally more bonded with their DCs" I think it's only fair that the behavioural characteristics of men are acknowledged as well!

OP, not all men are like your exDPs. Many are far more self aware. It's dangerous to label all men as behaving in the same way for the same reasons - despite the two exs you describe behaving in the same way, there may have been completely different reasons/explanations for it.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2014 10:25

however, given that the number of times I've read the MN mantra that "mums are more nurturing/better at primary care/naturally more bonded with their DCs" I think it's only fair that the behavioural characteristics of men are acknowledged as well!

I have never seen this on MN. Could you provide an example ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 10:39

If I have to 'nag' (remind) a man to do something, it's not because I'm from Venus or female, it's because something's been overlooked. And if he's overlooked it, it's not because he's a man.. it's because he's overlooked it.

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 10:44

What cog said.

FrogStarandRoses · 22/01/2014 11:14

anyf the thread in LP about who MN is for highlights the belief by many members that mothers/women instinctively behave differently to men/fathers when in the same situation, and that men don't feel the same emotions as women. It's often expressed in threads discussing contact arrangements for a baby and when there is advice about pending separations. There's a thread in active convos at the moment in which one post implies that a mother finds it harder to be apart from a newborn than a father.

If that is the case (and I think some of those arguments might have merit) then surely there must be some things that are unique to men, too? Are we not permitted to say "men are different" because that gives men an excuse for their behaviour, but we can say "women are different" to justify our own needs?

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