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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse?

31 replies

Imbadatnames · 22/01/2014 00:27

I've NC'd

I live with my fiancé and atm I am jobless, I used to do all the cleaning in the house to try and compensate for this (I was and still am looking for a job) and would contribute financially whenever I had any money

Gradually DP started complaining about the cleaning, "you blocked the hoover/the dishes aren't clean enough/this corner isn't hoovered/this packet isn't in the bin/I don't like this meal" etc so as he complained I did things less and less cos I thought why should I put effort into doing it when he doesn't appreciate any of it

We argue a lot now mainly over cleaning or money but I will try and reasonably talk and he goes psycho shouting and screaming and insulting me really badly and throwing things, once smashed a lamp, threatened to smash my computer/phone/kick my dog, I obviously get upset and scared and cry and then he does impressions of me crying like "wash waaah grow up", calls me a c**t a lot or fat and ugly all the time when he's mad

He's addicted to a computer game and I barely see or speak to him anymore cos he refuses to come off it. I suggested we watch a movie together and he agreed to a time but that time came and he was in a game so said let's watch movie tomorrow I promise. We didn't watch the next day cos of his game again then he doesn't understand why I'm upset. Also when I say anything he will say "what?" Even though I know he heard it and when I refuse to repeat it he answers the original question so he did hear!

Anyway last weekend I left a crisp packet and drink bottle on my bed and he came to bed so I put them on the bedside table since he was moaning how tired he was. Next morning he sees them on table instead of bin and flips. Goes crazy and came close and screamed in my ear then got a binbag and put all rubbish from upstairs bins into it and then threw it at me, it exploded and I was covered in food and sauce then he did a crying impression of me and said he hates me and that I'm a c* etc... I cleared all rubbish up then he offered to buy me a takeaway and acts as if nothing happened!? I was terrified he was going to hit me so I was curled in a ball for most of this

When I told him I thought it was abuse he asked for the engagement ring back and said it wasn't abuse and blah blah more shouting at me cos I accuse him of abuse. He says it's only abuse if he hits me

This was abuse right? :(

OP posts:
phoolani · 22/01/2014 00:32

Well, I'm guessing you know it is.

Custardo · 22/01/2014 00:35

if a total stranger did it - would it be ok?

no.

so what are you going to do next

BlueJumper · 22/01/2014 00:37

Does it matter if it is abuse or not? It is certainly not acceptable.

Monty27 · 22/01/2014 00:39

I'm not even going to ask you for a back story. Because no matter what the back story is your OP for sure describes abuse just ltb immediately. Angry

MissPryde · 22/01/2014 00:44

You've described textbook markers of abuse. If you do a quick google for signs of abuse (make sure you know how to clear your internet history) you will see lists of your partner's behavior.

OP, get in touch with your local dv or woman's aid organization, then can give you advice and support, including what you may need to do to get out. Typically these behavior only gets much worse as the relationship goes on, particularly after marriage.

confuddledDOTcom · 22/01/2014 00:49

No, physical abuse is hitting. This isn't physical abuse. This is verbal, mental and possibly emotional abuse, it's a little too obvious to be called gaslighting though.

Read your post with my name at the top, would you tell me it is acceptable? How about if it had your sister/ BFF/ etc's name on it?

So you're engaged? Think about life in ten years being exactly the same. Do you feel good about life? How about your children witnessing that? (I'm assuming you don't have any from your post, so I'm talking in ten years time)

I stayed a lot longer than I should have in a gaslighting relationship because he never hit me. I would tell anyone the moment they use the phrase "but he never hits me" LEAVE! LEAVE NOW! Do not wait until he does,you deserve better.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 22/01/2014 00:51

I would not stay with a man who deliberately got in my face and screamed really loudly into my ear, threatened me or my dog with violence, who threw things at me, insulted, humiliated and intimidated me, or who called me a cunt.

I am guessing he is feeling under pressure being the only earner atm, and that you should be looking harder for a job, and that you are being lazy, parasitic and a bit slobbish.

But whether you are or are not is beside the point. He is not dealing with his feelings in a healthy or acceptable way and he clearly has little respect for you. You need to leave him.

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 05:20

I agree with Mad wholeheartedly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 09:24

Here's the test..... if a complete stranger walked into your home and behaved the way you describe, would you be on a website asking 'is this abuse?' or would you be calling 999?

He's a vicious and dangerous man and you need to get away from him urgently. Do you have somewhere you can go? People you can be with?

desperatelyseekingsolace · 22/01/2014 09:28

Yes its abuse. No question. I am sorry. There are others here who can give really good advice on dealing with the practicalities.

But you do not have to and should not tolerate this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2014 09:28

BTW..... end the engagement. If this is who he is now, imagine the abuse that would be dished out if he felt you were 'his' because of marriage or if you were more vulnerable/dependent due to children. Doesn't bear thinking about.

lovemenot · 22/01/2014 09:32

Goodness, I thought my relationship was bad. Get out and get out now. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 22/01/2014 09:38

The question is: Is this behaviour that you are willing to accept?

If the answer is "no", then you have to leave him. Because being with him means continuing to endure more such behaviour from him.

wimsywon · 22/01/2014 16:22

This is mental abuse. I'm working on dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Its hard. You must value yourself and move on. You deserve much better xx

SwimmingClose · 22/01/2014 17:10

I got to paragraph 4 and thought Do I have to read anymore because I know the answer already? But the real question is, Do you have to live through any more of this before you know the answer to your question? I think you know the answer already.

omuwalamulungi · 22/01/2014 17:20

Yes, this is abuse. Imagine a complete stranger threw the contents of a bin at you and then screamed at you until you cleaned it up!?

Please, please don't let him treat you like this any more.

SoleSource · 22/01/2014 18:37

Your self esteem was always low I guess?

Cabrinha · 22/01/2014 18:42

He through rubbish all over you darling. That's abuse. And the rest. Does it even need a label? It was a horrid, mean, nasty thing to do. Why waste your time on a horrid, mean, nasty man?

Witchofthenorth · 22/01/2014 19:04

Yes...yes it is abuse, but I think you know that and just needed it reinforced. You need to get away, this is not how you treat people. Would you accept this from a stranger? No...you have to stop accepting it from him lovely.

Joysmum · 22/01/2014 19:33

Sounds to me like he resents you not contributing financially and not doing the chores. That's an explaination though, it's not an excuse. It's not acceptable, whatever justification we feel we might have, we choose how we react.

jeannie46 · 23/01/2014 00:05

Try and arrange somewhere to go asap. Refuge, family friends. Don't have a big argument with him about it, just go. Leave a note if you have to.

If you start to have a row etc the chances are he'll explode so don't give him a chance. The most vulnerable time for a woman is when they say they're leaving.

Don't tell him where you're going.

magoria · 23/01/2014 00:17

Don't make the mistake of actually marrying this man. Being only engaged you can get the fuck away from him.

I suggest you pack your stuff and get out asap. Anywhere away from this man who is ramping up to actually physically assault you.

Keep the ring and flog it for the £ to help set you up in a new safe life.

Lweji · 23/01/2014 05:23

Just go. Tomorrow, to friends or family.
Pack your things and leave.

If you have heavy stuff arrange for collection later with someone else helping you.

At the moment you can just walk out. If you marry or get pregnant it will be much harder.

Original poster
Imbadatnames · 26/01/2014 17:44

Sorry for my late reply and thanks everyone for all of yours, I was hoping that by showing him this that he could see what he's doing and agree to go to counciling or anger management but I'm too scared to even show him the replies

My family lives at the other end of the country and have no room for me to stay there anyway and I haven't had a friend since I left school, so it really is only me and him and my pets, I moved to rent with him from leaving my parents house so the only thing I've known is being with him iyswim and I'm scared to be alone, I love him and enjoyed being with him before he turned like this and I just wish and hope he could go back to being like that

He told me last night (after arguing cos I told him he snores and he smashed the toy box with dog toys in which I had to clean up again) that he's single and has told his sister and dad too and he says he's going to move out when he's saved a deposit and now he's back on his computer game ignoring me so I guess that's as official as it gets

I looked into emergency housing but did a calculator thing and I don't think I'm seen as a priority so would have to sign for a council house waiting list thingy but this is meant to take ages, like years to get one, so where would I go? I also can't pay any rent as I have no money and benefits would take a while to start up and I'm not sure I'd even get enough to cover rent and food, and if I go to a refuge or hostel what happens to all my stuff and pets? I can't just leave them

He also told me that I need to change, I said no it's you who does, and he laughed and said no, why can't he see what he's doing?

OP posts:
BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 26/01/2014 17:50

Abuse is nothing to do with physical violence, even physical abusers operate from the same starting point of emotional abuse and control. Makes no difference if they express it as verbal, financial, sexual or emotional abuse as if it's physical. I think some men also consciously stay away from physical abuse because it is not accepted these days. 20 years ago, he'd probably be hitting you but saying "It's not abuse, I don't beat you!"

There are charities who will look after the dogs for you until you get into more stable accommodation than a refuge, other than that, is there no chance you could go home? If you were my daughter and I heard what he was doing to you I'd have you back in a heartbeat, dogs and no space and all. Stuff, pack the most important things and leave the rest. It's just stuff :( You may be able to get a police escort to get the things you couldn't take at first.

I would not count on him moving out because he will keep you hanging on - it's fun to him, it's a power game.