So, I tried to namechange but it wouldn't work.

[Caff2]

I am in a happy relationship; I love my partner and we have two kids. A lot of crap has happened recently in my life (work related, been awful), and I'm trying to see a way through.

I have a friend, I've known him for twenty years, since we were 15 or so, and over the years when single, we have had a bit of a "thing" occasionally. Last time was about three years ago when my partner and I were "on a (brief) break".

He's been in contact recently and asked me if I'd like to go and see him for a break from all the (fairly awful) stuff that's going on. Thing is, I'm not sure how altruistic his intentions are, plus I feel quite wretched and miserable at the moment.

I shouldn't go, should I?

Disappointed by the amount of hostility that came into the thread. Op, you seemed to know it was a bad idea, and just wanted some support replies to back that up. People are getting unreasonably angry. A want is perfectly natural, it's what actions you choose that define the situation.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, and I understand your desire to 'escape' for a few days. I think this warrants discussion with your partner. In my opinion, the best scenario would be if you and your partner could take a relaxing few days away together to enjoy each other. If this isn't possible, for childcare or other reasons, then with full consent and communication with your partner, maybe you could take a day trip, or a night or two away, by yourself or with a girlfriend. It won't help the situation to disappear. And your problems will be here when you return. But it sounds like you're emotional and stressed, and if you partner is ok with it, there's nothing wrong with taking a night or two to clear your head, as long as you don't put yourself in a position that has any potential to damage your relationship - as meeting this male friend sounds like it would.

Late cross post. Some sensible replies since I wrote all that out.

Thanks MissPryde, I think you're right. Going to go to bed now and try and stay here to get the horrible post tomorrow. X

Would your DP not support you along the legal route ? Is there a supervisor at work that would ? Do you have a grievance or are they right to suspend you, love ? If not, you should be angrier about it.

I would be tempted to not accept the suspension and threaten legal action if you think it not justified (and you would be supported in that) to buy you some time until the anti depressants kick in. What have to lose ? Are you in a job where you could access free legal representation/unionised ?

My advice is don't go. Do you trust yourself enough to not let anything happen? Is there someone who could have your dc for a night so you and your dp could have a date night and rekindle a little?

I do have union representation, but can't go into detail about the situation here as I am not allowed to discuss the issue, as per the first "investigatory" letter. It's very stressful.

DP is supportive, but also very worried. This imapcts on all of us.

I understand.

The London runaway represents an escape from all the stuff here I'm really struggling to handle, but I know it's not an answer really.

Sounds like you've got way to much to deal with at the moment. But it will get better. You need to look after yourself right now. That means medication and whatever therapy and support you can get, good food, good sleep, rest, fresh air and exercise. Having a couple of days away at some point is a good plan but it doesn't sound like you're in the right frame of mind to really enjoy a weekend away with a friend at the moment.

Running to London would only exacerbate your problems, that is for sure.

And I still reckon Mr Luvvie is no "friend" of your relationship.

You might be right AnyFucker. But my runaway urge is strong. Not insurmountable though. I am going to get this letter tomorrow, yesterday I got a call from work warning me it was coming as "we didn't want it to be a shock". Didn't come today, but will tomorrow. I know it's coming, but don't want to open it.

Oh and my hair is falling out. Thanks, cosmos, for that.

Be brave, and face it. Running away won't make it disappear. Sorry about the hair. That is a low blow along with everything else.

Oh love, your life does sound tough at the moment.

But you tick every box that the wise souls on here say leads to an affair:

• Feeling a failure at work
• Losing loved ones and the feeling that life is too short
• A desperate need to escape from the harsh realities of life and reach for a quick fix that will make you feel good in the short term
• Needing an ego boost from someone who will tell you you're wonderful
• Unpleasant changes in physical appearance that make you feel less attractive than before (hair loss).

My feeling is this bloke knows it too and is an opportunist who strikes while the iron's hot. He's not a real friend at all. He got lucky last time you were feeling a bit at sea when your relationship had hit a bad spell and it's no different now when you've hit a bad spell in life.

Think about ways to make life easier while you've got this enormous stress going on, but honestly don't go anywhere near this opportunist. You identified yourself that he's not altruistic and that you're very vulnerable to that sort of attention at the moment.

Rebuild yourself with healthy stuff, not the sugar high of an illicit affair where all the ego stroking will be false and part of an agenda to shag you when it suits.

I can see how a bit of escapism would be very appealing in this situation. Can you talk to your DP about that? Not going to London - but jumping on a train somewhere and giving yourself a break. Are there any other friends you could meet up with?

any news, OP ?

By all means have a break, you sound like you deserve one but not with an old boyfriend who you have already had a thing with, go with a friend, or even better your dp. Nobody on here or rl is gonna say it's a good idea.

Hi, yeah, glad I posted on here as the visit isn't going to happen - glad got some sense talked. Feeling pretty low today as letter I expected from work has come.

Sorry to hear that, Caff, but as you say you expected it.

Feeling any different about seeking help to contest it ?

Really glad you've ditched plans to see that bloke Caff. What are the chances of a disciplinary panel failing to prove the allegation, or issuing penalties short of sacking? I chaired one a while ago and we proved the allegation, but mitigating circumstances/context resulted in a less draconian penalty than the dismissal we could have effected.