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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you are single, do you ever think to yourself, why oh why doesn't a guy ever want me enough to fall in love with?

72 replies

SoleSource · 21/01/2014 17:10

No guy I have met online ever seems to want me, unless for chatting or quick sex.

I do not do casual sex relationships so I never get to meet them as it is quickly established by him that is all he wants and he will never fall in love with me....

What is wrong with me????????

I'm not pushy etc

I have the book - He is Just Not That Into You..

OP posts:

SecretWitch · 21/01/2014 19:18

Honey, there is not a thing wrong with you. What if you just took a break from the entire dating scene for a period of time? Just a break to take some of the pressure off...
Perhaps you can plan to do things that you want to do, that are interesting to you. Could you volunteer for your favorite charity? Take an inexpensive course to meet people with the same interests?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/01/2014 19:20

I hate to say it, but the sites you have to pay for are better, There are more serious men on them-serious as in looking for a relationship.
My friend was the same age as you, and online dating for years, when she met her current partner on guardian soulmates, and he is LOVELY (as a person) but also really quite sexy. (This matters as much as nice personality in my book).
I am so chuffed for her, as she is one if the nicest, kindest people I know and well deserves it. And I didn't believe it really happened.
Of course now her fella will get exposed as a serial killer or something just to prove me wrong!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/01/2014 19:21

Oh, and they have just bought a flat together, after 2 years of dating, so it's really real.

Original poster

SoleSource · 21/01/2014 19:29

I haven't dated/had sex since 2008. Had therapy, lifecoach now final destination weight loss to goal

Possibly saggy skin to put him off then

OP posts:

SecretWitch · 21/01/2014 19:38

Sweetheart, I am a one legged woman. I know how it feels to put yourself out there. I was rejected more than once before meeting and marrying my dh. The dating thing for those of us who might have more visible flaws is soul rending. I am more than of my looks though and so are you. Concentrate on the wonderful things about you. A man who appreciates you for the woman you are is out there.

SingingGerbil · 21/01/2014 20:00

I felt exactly like you OP when I was online dating. It can be very soul destroying at times. To be honest, I think a lot of it is luck and maybe you have been unlucky. I strongly advocate joining clubs to meet someone as you will have a shared interest plus it's in a more informal setting.

FluffyJumper · 21/01/2014 21:08

I don't think any of us can say what's wrong with you since we don't know you. I do think that if you feel desperate then people can pick up on that no matter how hard you try to hide it.

Original poster

SoleSource · 21/01/2014 21:20

I'm not desperate and my therapist said there was nothing wrong with me. I have probably been the opposite of desperate. But I guess the stereotype is a single 39 year old woman must be desperate. I haven't dated since 2008. Because of assholes I met.

OP posts:

FluffyJumper · 21/01/2014 21:23

The tone of your OP sounded desperate - why oh why doesn't anyone love me, so it was that I was picking up on rather than your age.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/01/2014 21:32

Sorry but you are coming across as desperate. First you need to get over the idea that your life will be an empty failure if you don't ever 'have a man fall in love with you'. It's perfectly possible to remain single and be happy.

What are you actually doing with your life? If you're just sitting about waiting for a man to come and make a life for you, then that's not going to be appealing to anyone but a loser or a predator. (Being desperate is a bad thing in dating terms, not just because it's offputting to a lot of people, but because the more desperate a woman is to Find A Man, the more arseholery she will overlook if one shows an interest.)

if part of your desperation is because all your friends seem to be in couples, then find some new friends. What do you enjoy, what do you care about? There are all sorts of ways to meet new people and socialise: pick a hobby that appeals to a wide range of ages and look for a class or group that focuses on it and has a social element as well.

Original poster

SoleSource · 21/01/2014 22:25

I have already stated that it is something I just say to myself rarely. Fluffy.....

I'm a Carer of a severely disabled child Solid...

I'm not desperate....I have been single by choice since 2008.

OP posts:

CMP69 · 21/01/2014 22:45

Sole I have seen you on lots of threads I don't think that this has gone how you thought xx

YankeeMum8 · 21/01/2014 22:56

Nothing at all is wrong with you! I was 32 when I met dh but was fine before him. I had my own house, social life , etc. What's meant to be won't pass you by. You sound lovely.

MillyRules · 21/01/2014 23:53

There are nice men out there Sole . Don't think that your thread has been taken how you meant it. Get the books and get reading.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/01/2014 23:58

Sole: I didn't know your circumstances. Do you get respite care or other family members who can give you some time off for a social life? If not,it's worth looking into.

NotNewButNameChanged · 22/01/2014 09:06

Same for guys, too, sometimes you know. Five years single here, late-30s. Haven't had a date in three years. Although going against other posters, when I did online dating (frankly hideous) I had no luck at all on the paid sites but did get dates from POF.

I don't know where the single women hide out these days, but it's never where I am. Am in umpteen clubs, done all the things everyone recommends. Always new people joining, always making new friends but absolutely no one ever single, they are all coupled up.

MadeMan · 22/01/2014 09:21

I sometimes think all the single women in my area must be too busy being Aunty to their siblings' kids. That's probably where they hide.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 22/01/2014 09:55

I'm single, and have been for 8 years, give or take the odd fling. People always say there are nice men out there, and there are, but if they are over 30 they tend to be married or they are serial daters holding out for some dream woman. ( this is just my experience btw) I don't really go to pubs any more, and my social activities usually mean I have contact with women and gay men! I keep thinking I should go back to online but I can't seem to bring myself to. I do know how you feel sole, and I don't think you sound desperate. Its not desperate to get lonely sometimes and wish you had what so many other people have.

bibliomania · 22/01/2014 10:39

I think it's really common to have this thought, at least fleetingly. I'm also 39 and have been single since 2009. I was married for 18 months (very ill-advised) but otherwise have been single nearly all my life. Of course sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I was just at a friend's wedding last week. Add in pmt, and I'll admit I shed tears during the ceremony out of sheer self-pity.

But if I put my single friends in one group and my coupled-up friends in another and asked you to guess which was which, it wouldn't be possible. It's not that one lot are obviously "better catches" than the other.

I've dabbled with online dating but it felt like a chore rather than a pleasure, so I've abandoned it and am trying to include more activities in my life. I don't really think I'm going to meet Mr Right, if I'm honest. I'm mostly okay about it but occasionally wistful.

maleview70 · 22/01/2014 12:52

The growth of internet dating was like opening aladdins cave for many men! Why buy one when you can test drive many!

I also noticed that many of the women on online dating we're either good looking or extremely good looking compared to many men who were let's say....average!

Maybe that is because i don't fancy men but the women certainly looked a lot better than the men.

It's a job and a half nowadays!

SwimmingClose · 22/01/2014 14:59

I think this is a tricky one SoleSource.

On the one hand, internet dating is a playing field for the personality-disordered and I think you are right to tread carefully there. There are many broken and predatory men online. So there is no reason to blame yourself for the lack of suitable suitors, shall we say!

However, it is something to be mindful of, if you have any wounds of your own and how these might manifest. Sometimes they are hard to see and can be very complex. Maybe reflect on past love-relationships and your sense of esteem and peace in them, and your sense of self-esteem and peace now?

Wishing you all the best. Though I am sure it has its strengths and uses, internet dating can be a dangerous place for the vulnerable (even if they don't see themselves that way so take care) ...

IfNotNowThenWhen · 22/01/2014 17:01

Oh my god maleview70, so true about all the good looking women online! I once made the mistake of looking at my rivals, and was horrified. Closer inspection did reveal most of them to be people who describe themselves as " bubbly", so possibly we were not in the same market! I can't take it all seriously anymore, and mostly just take the piss out of myself, but i still get 58year old men messaging me, telling me i "look like a lovely lady" its all so cheesy.

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