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Original poster

Do men feel more attached after DTD?

41 replies

Aknowinggrin · 21/01/2014 09:25

Curious to know ..... we always hear about women feeling more attached to a man once they have dtd (I know that's certainly the case for me!) but always wondered whether the same happens to the guys?

Would be great to have some male perspective, or female if you did notice a change on his behaviour/attachment/keenness etc after dtd...

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 21/01/2014 09:30

There is no 'men do this and women do that' some people so, some don't.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/01/2014 09:34

I would guess not. They seem to have an ability to keep love and sex separate. I wish I could.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 09:34

Agree with the PP. Not sure what you hope to gain from gender generalisations. Some people can be very detached about sex, others the opposite, yet more somewhere in between... and I don't think there's a gender monopoly.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 09:35

I think it depends on the individual. I am a woman and I never used to feel more attached to a random shag.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/01/2014 09:35

See, here's the thing. It's an interesting question. Just last night I was in bed with my lover of 8 months standing and after sex I asked him if he loved me. His answer was "don't be a numpty". Which is fine. I just really wanted to know whether he loved me or not and he answered my question.

I wonder if we confuse feeling "loved up" with love IYSWIM.

Original poster
Aknowinggrin · 21/01/2014 09:40

I agree it's not a good thing to generalise but... it has been proved that men and women are indeed wired differently with regards to love etc. I know it will highly depend on the individual person but surely there are some patterns?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 21/01/2014 09:42

Not sure if it's quite what you're asking, but my DH is definitely more affectionate after we've had sex. If we have sex in the morning he's always touching me throughout the day i.e. holding hands, hugging etc. This is after about 25 years.

I honestly didn't think he's aware that he is, though.

KouignAmann · 21/01/2014 09:42

I have a very soppy and romantic DP (who would kill me if he heard me say that). After DTD he gets very sentimental. So in his case yes. But I don't think you can be gender specific. Isn't it to do with the bonding properties of oxytocin released when you orgasm? Same as breastfeeding babies. It is like family glue Smile

Jaffacakesallround · 21/01/2014 09:42

For women, there is some evidence that oxytocin kicks in and creates a bond- all to do with bonding with the man who is going to look after her for 9 months and more until she has the baby. Survival of the species etc.

Having said that, there will be some feminist coming along soon who says this is all tosh.

Personally, I think it's a spectrum. There are women who can have sex without feeling emotionally involved but maybe there are fewer of them than men who seem to be able to have sex with as many women as possible without being emotionally attached, and move on....

thinking about it from a biological point of view that makes sense.

scallopsrgreat · 21/01/2014 09:44

"it has been proved that men and women are indeed wired differently with regards to love etc." Err... No it hasn't been proved at all. Women are more likely to be conditioned into having more of an attachment after sex, as there is more at stake for them. Yes even in this day and age women are judged more for their sexual relationships than men. Plus the messages that are sent to women via media, peers etc is that their value and worth is in their relationships with men.

scallopsrgreat · 21/01/2014 09:45

Why doesn't oxytocin kick in for men? Clue: it does.

CatAmongThePigeons · 21/01/2014 09:47

I used to go out and have a lot of ONS- no attachment and tbh, I still don't feel more attached post sex even with DH.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 09:47

I don't think anyone feels more attached to another person simply by having sex with them. Ever.

I think the rush of chemicals released can give you a temporary feeling, but it's not real and it's not lasting.

I think that connection comes from somewhere other than the genitals.

you can have sex with a dozen people and walk away and then you'll have sex with one person and feel strongly for them. It's the person not the act of sex.

Now, if we were to talk about the way 'society' encourages us to see ourselves and to feel, there's a serious gender divide there!

Stud v slag.

A man sows his oats. Go lad.

A woman must be pure and 'save herself' for her one true love and feel he is The One.

Very simplified version of course Grin but basically accurate, imo.

Neitheronethingortheother · 21/01/2014 09:47

I get very attached. Not a great person for ons. I had many when i was younger but always ended up feeling bad afterwards and as if I had given a part of me that was more than just the physical act of having sex. We are definitely more tactile and closer to each other for a few days after sex. We have sex at least once a week as I dont like the distance between us otherwise.

KouignAmann · 21/01/2014 09:52

Shiver your stereotypes are real enough but you have forgotten there is also Sir Lancelot who keeps himself pure and saves himself for his Ladye who is his inspiration. And the lusty wench in the tavern who is good for a roll in the hayloft with any goodlooking lad.

Jaffacakesallround · 21/01/2014 10:04

scallops why do you say there is no scientific evidence? There is. Do you believe the world is flat?

It's not conditioning.

Jaffacakesallround · 21/01/2014 10:06

FWIW OP I have a friend who is male- and he says that he tries hard to avoid sleeping with new girlfriends too soon because they become too 'attached'.
Maybe he's just a brilliant shag, who knows, but he is a man and he doesn't feel attached after sex like they do.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 10:19

" it has been proved that men and women are indeed wired differently with regards to love etc. "

That's the kind of rubbish that gets trotted out by those wanting to make excuses for crappy behaviour. 'Boys will be boys', 'men are from Mars, women from Venus' and similar. People are individuals that react differently based on their own personality traits. Men are not a different species.

LEMmingaround · 21/01/2014 10:29

Both my DP and I feel more attached after sex, or more like, less attached if its been a while.

Whilst i agree that everyone is an indivudual and will behave differently, it is somewhat niave to think that men and women don't have traits that are "more" specific to their gender than the other. Men and women are absolutely "wired" differently both at the hormonal and neurological level. However it is not an excuse for crappy behaviour, by either men or women - i don't think men have the monopoly on behaving badly.

EirikurNoromaour · 21/01/2014 10:42

Where is the scientific evidence that 'men and women are wired differently regarding love etc'?
If you have unmet emotional needs then the intimacy of sex is likely to engender a feeling of attachment which is not authentic, but which feels so. This is why teenagers tend to be 'in love' after a snog. It's all about your own unmet needs.
Men are just as likely to have an artificial attachment response to a sexual partner as women. Men are just as likely to be emotionally vulnerable as women.
I slept with a guy twice who was very emotionally damaged. He clutched me in bed and whispered 'I love you I love you'. He didn't love me, he barely knew me, but his response to me was a powerful attachment because he had deep unmet needs that he projected on to me.
Those of you who have small sons - have a snuggle and stroke their hair. You can see the oxytocin flowing! There is no difference between boys and girls in terms of emotional needs and bonding hormones.

EirikurNoromaour · 21/01/2014 10:44

LEM I think it's a bit different when you are in a long term relationship. I think the op was talking about more casual encounters, though maybe I was wrong. If you mean sex with someone you have an emotional connection with, sex can definitely deepen the connection. But for all genders equally.

KouignAmann · 21/01/2014 11:00

Good post Eirik

LEMmingaround · 21/01/2014 11:09

There is plenty of scientific evidence that men and women have different levels of hormones - you only have to do a quick google (which i am blatantly too lazy to do).

But yes, i take your point about ONS

I have had many ONS in the past and some have lead to a level of "affecton" but many more lead to "what the fuck was i thinking" and my face looking like Hmm

Jan45 · 21/01/2014 11:11

If it's a long term relationship then it's more balanced, if a ONS then I think definitely men can see it more as just sex without expecting anything else, women I think are always hoping it will turn into something.

Jaffacakesallround · 21/01/2014 11:18

Eirikur

you asked for evidence- prob best to look at the actual Journal of neuroscience but this is a summary of it all

www.reuniting.info/content/oxytocin-fidelity-and-sex