Do men feel more attached after DTD?

[Aknowinggrin]

Curious to know ..... we always hear about women feeling more attached to a man once they have dtd (I know that's certainly the case for me!) but always wondered whether the same happens to the guys?

Would be great to have some male perspective, or female if you did notice a change on his behaviour/attachment/keenness etc after dtd...

I once had a boyfriend (that I was sleeping with) describe it thus:

After DTD, the woman thinks; "Mmmm, snuggles, love..."
The man thinks; "Ug. Lager."

I have since mentioned this to other boyfriends and they certainly didn't disagree - they more looked relieved that someone understood!

This used to be my problem when I was young (and daft). I would always confuse lust with love. I would sleep with men too soon and then convince myself I was in love with them and scare them off usually! In my experience most of the men I have met can separate lust and love a lot easier and see sex as a recreational thing rather than a bonding thing.
Now I am in my 40s the difference is clear but it took a while for the penny to drop!!

Depends on the chemistry.

I have slept with women who I didn't even particularly fancy but went ahead as the opportunity was there and felt nothing afterwards.

With one person in my life, sex was mindblowing and it definately created something for me! The need and want to have more sex with that person. That then led to feelings developing and I suppose a bond created.

Most of my other relationships have been friendship first. They are different for me and lack the explosive chemistry that I shared with said person. I'm not actually sure what's more important. I like the friendship angle of a relationship but I miss the sex I shared with that person and have never found it since.

Not sure that really answers your question.

Maleview - that person you had that bond with, how long did it take to get over it when it finished?

After sex (and clean-up, and penis beaker usage) I like to bask in the afterglow. DH leaps out of bed and announces "I'm not sleepy! I could still fit in another 30 minutes of computer gaming and get to bed by midnight! See you later honey!" and vanishes. Not romantic at all.

On the other hand, I had sex with a friend a few years ago. Very hot, orgasms all round, etc. but it took forever and I had a lot to be getting on with that day and when I eventually managed to escape and turn the shower on, I was met with complaints and feelings of rejection because no snuggles. I just thought "FFS. I'm too sticky to snuggle and I need to get to Tesco!"

I think its possible to divide this by gender but not by sex. I don't believe hormones or hardwiring make any difference. I think social conditioning does, and if you are the sort of female who has been socialised into various emotional and moral connotations with the act of sex, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy - as does the 'sowing your wild oats' mentality for men. But that's very much social, not genetic IMO.

Despite those gender-based trends, I think the variation is such that it is only a trend, not a strong probability.

When I slept first with current DP he told me he felt "privileged" and was at pains to show me he respected me, etc. For me it was just sex (although he is so lovely and respectful, and hot ) that I developed a relationship with him and certainly feel more bonded after sex with him these days.

How would you ever prove it was by social conditioning? Or not?

I think it's a bit patronising to say that women are somehow conditioned to expect love or commitment 'in exchange' for sex. Maybe in the 1940s, but not now.

In civilisations other than western culture, where women have a different support network and a very different way of life, it would be interesting to see the outcomes of research.

Yellow....a while! Still have moments where I think of them now 13 years later!

But Dahlen said "if you are the sort of female who has been conditioned" not "all women have been conditioned" so not patronising at all.

We can certainly prove that society has delivered messages that women associate love with sex and men do not, by the plethora of written material advancing this idea and the fact that there are still lots of men and women who believe this as fact, despite individuals' contrary experiences and rather better research that examines this subject holistically instead of focusing on one aspect/one sex to the exclusion of socialisation and the experiences of women themselves.

I recommend 'Delusions of Gender' by Cordelia Fine OP.

Agree with dahlen and scapegoat. Social conditioning is incredibly powerful.

so where are all the mothers or media input that are conveying sex=should equal love & commitment?

My mum was born in 1926 and even she doesn't believe that now.

Bloke here

In the past if I knew an encounter was more then likely to be a short term thing (holiday romance, ONS) then no, I would not feel more attached after DTD.

If it was someone I had emotionally invested time in and had the potential to become a LTR than yes.

My dh refused to sleep with me for six months after we met because he wanted to be sure about our relationship before getting too attached- that's when I knew I had found someone special.

Jaffacakes you're kidding right?
Media messages of 'good girls' 'the one' 'prince charming' are everywhere. It's not as simple as being told 'men will love you if you have sex with them' it's far more insidious than that.

I dont think men or women ever feel more attached. You either loved them before you had sex with them, or thought they were alright and just fancied a bit. I mean come on when do you ever hear of anyone not really being in to someone shagging them then deciding they are the one

It certainly makes me feel much closer and connected to DW.

If we dont DTD for a few weeks I feel a bit frustrated and a little un-loved (which is bollocks but just how I feel) but then when we DTD I feel so much calmer and closer to my awesome DW.

Not all men view sex as a release, fun activity. Some of us are a bit more sensitive. I really enjoy it but DW has a different, lower drive to me and though it has caused problems over our 14 yrs togetherwe have worked hard on it and we are closer than ever and when we do DTD it is .................... bloody wonderful.