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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son is heartbroken

40 replies

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 08:47

I don't really know what to expect from posting this but I think I may just need to get it out of my system

My son who is 19 has been with his first serious GF for over 2 years, she is the same age. They are at the same Uni a long way from home, they met when still at school. She has told him she doesn't know how she feels and needs some space a few days ago. I had a call in the early hours from him and I've never heard him so upset. He has been home for a couple of days.

I advised him to totally back off and not contact her and let her have space. SHE has been contacting him however so he has been replying. He is getting more and more confused and upset, not knowing what she wants and I'm getting angry now. I'm not saying anything unless he asks me and then keeping it to a minimum. I have said he needs to say he's not going to be messed about and would rather if she wants to end it that she just did so

They briefly met yesterday to talk and apparently he told her he would give her space/ see eachother less. Last night he he tells me she is still saying she's not sure she can do this. To me it's looking like she hasn't the guts to finally say it's over and wants him to do it. It's horrible seeing him dangling on a string, hoping it will be ok. I can't take the hurt away. This is worse than going through heartbreak yourself. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

ALittleStranger · 21/01/2014 08:56

Because he's not my son and I have some distance I can say this:

He's 19. This happens. Exactly like this, all the time. It's a learning process. It's good for him.

You're right that she's just lacking the courage to end it. But you can't make her and you can't make him grow some balls and rip the plaster off themselves. They just have to muddle through it.

dozeydoris · 21/01/2014 08:59

Better it happens now than after they have shared property or DCs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 09:00

Agree with the PP. It's a rite of passage, your first serious break-up. Hope he's got some good mates that can hold his hand and order the next round. All you can do is be there with the metaphorical (or literal) tissues.

Original poster

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 09:03

I know it happens, but it's horrible watching your son go through it and you can't do anything. I'd rather go through it myself!

OP posts:

Original poster

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 09:04

That's the thing he's only been at uni a few months so miles away from home without really good friends. He knows people, yes, but all his close mates are at other uni's a long way away

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 09:09

IME that's often how you make friends. The people he knows that come forward to cheer him up will probably end up becoming mates. Also... if he's been spending all his time at uni doing coupley things with his girlfriend, that might have prevented him getting to know others. So lots of reasons why this could turn out to be a good move.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 21/01/2014 09:21

Unfortunately, it happens. They're 19 - of course she doesn't know what she wants, and going away to university only makes things more confusing. Yes, they're their together, but I assume they're on different courses, living seperately and they're both meeting new people and haaving new experiences.

It's very easy (and naive) to think that you can go away to university together at 18 and stay together forever. It rarely happens. I started uni in 2007 and a lot of my flatmates were in committed relationships. Apart from one, were all single by the end of first year. It's very normal and natural, and better it happens now than when they have a home or DC together.

Original poster

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 09:26

I realise it happens and was aware it was likely to happen to them however obviously I had hoped if it did he would be the one doing the breaking up, nobody wants to see their child get hurt do they.

I think I just needed to write it down as I feel so helpless, not a nice feeling at all.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 21/01/2014 09:26

Oh poor lad! And poor you. It's horrid. He will get over it, and so will you, but it's all part of life's rich tapestry. Mumsnetty hugs to you both.

Original poster

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 09:29

Thank you lady

OP posts:

redcaryellowcar · 21/01/2014 09:32

i think its terribly sad and although my ds is only two i will certainly feel as helpless as you do when this first happens. think in same situation i would spend time chatting on the phone if that is what he wants to do and perhaps send him cash for a weekend trip to an old schoolfriend? maybe a weekend of distractions at another university might be a good bit of breathing space?

HauntedNoddyCar · 21/01/2014 09:43

It is a case of it happens all the time but this is the first time it's happened to your little boy and the urge to protect them from life's disappointments never stops.

He will be ok again. It will be alright again.

JanetAndRoy · 21/01/2014 09:48

Redcaryellowcar has a good idea. A weekend away to see an old friend at their Uni might help him see/appreciate student life without being in couple.

TinyTear · 21/01/2014 09:51

I would advise him to not meet her and tell her not to contact him until she has made her mind up either way

i had a bf tell me he 'needed some time' then keep contacting me. i told him that and then a few months later called him and said as I hadn't heard from him in that time i would assume we were over so good riddance have a nice life...

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/01/2014 09:55

You are doing all the right things.

TBH this will probably be the makings of him. College is much more fun when you aren't there with a girlfriend/boyfriend you brought from school.

He's upset now, but your advice is good. Keeps advising him to keep his distance and ask her for space. You could even point out that this is the thing most likely to make her come running back.

Hopefully by the time she does that he will have started to move on and will see how much more fun life is at 19 when you are single.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2014 10:00

Poor DS. She may not have the guts to end it but I don't think she'd see it as deliberately torturing him, more like she knows it's going to hurt him and for all that she may not want to date any more she has cared about him and will feel bad about being the one to finish.

You are being loving and supportive and sadly it's one of those life experiences we have to watch DCs go through.

Original poster

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 10:01

I did advise him to keep his distance, tell her not to to contact until she's had space and WAS sure what she wants. But she has been contacting him, I'm assuming he has been doing what I advised, he says he has. So really she is making it more confusing and harder for him with all this " I'm not sure what I want" stuff

I also told him that backing off and allowing her space will do no harm. If she wants it to end it will end anyway but it MAY make her regret and want him back

OP posts:

monikar · 21/01/2014 10:02

Dearjackie I was in a similar situation to you last summer when DD had her first serious break-up. She is nearly 18 so a little younger than your DS but you do have my sympathies. For her, it came completely out of the blue and she was just heart-broken.

I know what you mean about feeling helpless - she was crying to me at 4am for several nights in a row saying how she had lost her best friend - it was just awful. There was nothing I could do to help her apart from listen to her going over and over it. It upset me that I couldn't 'fix' it, even though realistically I knew it was out of my control.

It does also sound to me as though your DS's gf is hoping he will end it and this must be very confusing to him. She has probably been considering breaking up with him for some time and this will add to his hurt and upset, now he realises this.

The only advice I can offer is to be there to listen to him. As others have said, he will be ok but it very hard to watch them go through it at the time.

Original poster

Dearjackie · 21/01/2014 10:04

monikar that's exactly how I'm feeling, totally helpless you just want to take away their pain and you can't

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/01/2014 10:05

It sounds to me like she want to keep him around "as a friend" but that she's done with him as a boyfriend.

She probably misses their intimacy and wants to keep that part but date other people.

And what she wants is something that she can't have. Even if they do end up being friends in the future, they both need time to adjust to not being together any more.

She's presumably only 19, so not knowing what she wants is only to be expected.

Sorry he's going through this :( he's lucky to have a Mum who cares and wants to take the pain away, even if she can't :)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/01/2014 10:06

X-post!

Acinonyx · 21/01/2014 10:07

Some advice based on being in your ds's position. Don't let yourself be so upset that ds can't talk to you about it because it's too upsetting/exasperating for you - as happened with my mother.

Now I have a dd myself, I know that if she ever has a bf like my old ex bf and she carried on dangling and mooning after him while he played her for a fool I would want to shake her OTOH and rip his arms and legs off OTOH. But I hope I will be a safe place to fall and a shoulder to cry on while somehow controlling myself and ranting on mn!

Casmama · 21/01/2014 10:11

She may not be doing this intentionally. She is likely to be heartbroken too even if she is thinking she needs to end it.

You could suggest your son tells her he wants them to go no contact for a week to let them both think about what they want.

monikar · 21/01/2014 10:17

Dearjackie For me it was one of my first experiences of not being able to 'fix' it for her and just acknowledging that to myself was difficult.

DD has spoken to me recently about her bf and said that even if she had persuaded him to stay with her when he broke up with her, knowing that his heart wasn't in it anymore meant that in retrospect, she is now relieved that it ended when it did. She has said that she would always have been wondering what he was thinking and when he was going to finally end it. However, at the time she was just distraught - I was really worried. I was thinking 'oh it's just a silly teenage relationship which we all know won't last' but to her it meant a lot more.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2014 10:17

I hated the "We can still be friends can't we?" line which when you're weeping buckets is of small consolation. And trying a 'break' is fraught with possible muddle and heartbreak so it really has to be all or nothing.

Making the transition from school to uni is a massive step. So many new doors opening, new people, the buzz of being way from home etc. If the gf has met someone on her course or where she's staying then she will be feeling a mixture of guilt and excitement, she won't know herself what is going to happen hence keeping your DS dangling.

If they're on the same course it'll be hard to go nc but for his own sanity he needs to try and tell her they can't keep this up, and then stop responding to her.

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