My son is heartbroken

[Dearjackie]

I don't really know what to expect from posting this but I think I may just need to get it out of my system

My son who is 19 has been with his first serious GF for over 2 years, she is the same age. They are at the same Uni a long way from home, they met when still at school. She has told him she doesn't know how she feels and needs some space a few days ago. I had a call in the early hours from him and I've never heard him so upset. He has been home for a couple of days.

I advised him to totally back off and not contact her and let her have space. SHE has been contacting him however so he has been replying. He is getting more and more confused and upset, not knowing what she wants and I'm getting angry now. I'm not saying anything unless he asks me and then keeping it to a minimum. I have said he needs to say he's not going to be messed about and would rather if she wants to end it that she just did so

They briefly met yesterday to talk and apparently he told her he would give her space/ see eachother less. Last night he he tells me she is still saying she's not sure she can do this. To me it's looking like she hasn't the guts to finally say it's over and wants him to do it. It's horrible seeing him dangling on a string, hoping it will be ok. I can't take the hurt away. This is worse than going through heartbreak yourself. Any thoughts?

Argh, the first breakup is always the worst.

He will get over it quicker if he keeps his dignity. Try and see if you can get him to tell HER that he wants no more contact, that it is over. If she wants him, this will get her to come running back. If she doesn't want him, he will soon know and will walk away with his pride.

I realise this is a little bit of game playing, but it is also an important point because at this young age a breakup where we lose our self respect (chasing them, begging, pleading) is much longer and harder to get over because you walk away feeling so much less confident in yourself. The hardest part is believing you will meet someone else, believing you are worth something. This comes from within.

Talk to him gently and explain it's very unlikely that a person will marry their very first love...explain very gently that at his age marriages have a very low chance of working because both partners lack life experience. Explain that if it is meant to be, they might just need a little break and will come back together later. This will make him feel like it's less final. Also explain that if he keeps his self respect now that she will respect him for it.

It will be as soon as he meets someone else that he starts to get over it. At that age we are still so limited in our understanding, but at the same time the love can be very, very real.

My first love still messages me and tells me he thinks of me often!

First broken heart, it's terrible at the time, but it's a rite of passage, and a learning curve. Be there for him, you sound lovely

Ahhhh this is really sad.

Unfortunately I was that GF once though (although I was the fiancée in my case). I was 21 and I KNEW that I didn't want to be with the guy anymore, but the relationship was 'comfortable' and I didn't know how to end it.

In the end I asked him to give me space for a couple of weeks to decide. I struggled being on my own so told him after a week to come and see me and we fixed it. For about two days... because I realised that my original feelings hadn't changed for the better.

I split with him on the phone. He was heartbroken and his Mother and Sister were devastated for him and never ever spoke to me again.

Karma happened though and over the following years I went from one disastrous relationship to another, whereas he met someone 5 months later, got married and had two beautiful DCs.

I eventually found my Prince Charming, but it took nearly 10 years.

It's hard now, but he will be OK and things will be better for him with someone else. It's a tough lesson to learn though.

Try to look at the positives.

He's at uni so there will be loads of ways to have a social life and meet new girls when he's ready.

Breakups often happen when school relationships enter a new period - like being at uni or starting work.

My DD spent 4 years at uni with a guy ( another student) who then dumped her and she had to start a new social life all over again, outside of uni life.

It's better this happens now than in another few years.

I think it would be easier for him if they were at different uni's. I must admit I had feared this when they went to the same place. They live very close and had even planned house share with other students next year

It is a rite of passage.

It's horrible seeing your child hurting but he is 19- it was bond to happen or he'd hurt someone himself- at some point. Very few couples end up together long term having met at a young age. ( ok- some do I know, but not that many.)

If he is finding it hard to cope all unis have counselling services as part of the student welfare support system , so you could mention this to him in case he wants to talk to someone who's not his mum.

Blimey Moniker several nights comforting until 4am is very supportive! Doesn't it drag you down?

Logg1e it didn't drag me down, just made me tired for a few days!

My children are much younger than this but I can't imagine you ever lose the instinct to protect them from bad things. Break ups are horrible. long drawn out ones are the pits. I hope the situation resolves itself one way or another soon so your son can move on with or without her.

Well OP I've had this with each of my four sons!
What Confusedlady has said in her post is spot on, but at the end of the day you can really only provide "tea and sympathy" he has to work it out for himself.
One of my sons believed he would marry the girl he was with when he was that age and was totally distraught when she had her head turned by someone else!
But its all part of life, I've always said to them "she wasn't the right one for you and if it hadn't ended then you wouldn't be there, ready for the "right one" when she comes along"
Just be there for him, and don't get involved however painful it is to stand by and do nothing.

Oh god this thread is bringing back my first heart break when i was about 21. I was devastated and thought I would never love again. Just because you're young doesn't mean it hurts any less or is somehow less valid.

Anyway, OP, I think all you can do is be there for him and support him through whatever the outcome. He'll be fine in the end but the journey might be hard.

OP I could have written your thread even down to the girlfriend dangling my DS on a string. He is also a term into University and neglected putting an effort into making friends because he was with her.

They split up at the beginning of December and, after a miserable Christmas break, he has just gone back to Uni determined to put himself out there socially. We have had one text saying he was down the pub with a new crowd and having a great time (and thanking us for our support). I am hoping he has turned a corner.

But yes, it is unbelievably awful to be faced with something you can't fix for them. And I am also feeling terrible guilt for how I treated lads at that age. Karma is biting me on the bum.

Can echo others on here and say that this is a painful but ultimately lesson learning rite of passage event that most people go through. I can’t recall a single relationship that survived the transition from school to university. Horrible though it is to witness he will be a stronger person for it.

Often at that age teenagers have very naïve post relationship expectations with regards to becoming best friends overnight in some seamless transition and if she is suggesting that tell your son to back away so can he lick his wounds and start to emotionally heal. If they are to remain friends it will be when he is ready to take on that new role and not to be dictated by her. In a slightly mean take on things breaking up with her might be the making of his social life at university, it sounds like he has neglected making any new friends as she has been his focus. Most unis have at least several thousand students and he needs to throw his energies at any clubs or societies that he has joined and I can guarantee he will soon have a new circle of mates he can enjoy his time with and by the end of term he will be in a much better place. From my observations at uni he will probably just be mere acquaintances with her at the end of his final year, the person you bump into down the uni bar once a month and say hi to.

Everything Confusedlady said - good post

had even planned house share with other students next year it may have been this that made her realise she wouldn't/couldn't actually commit to another year

Big ((hugs)) to you and your DS

Dearjackie, I think CuChullain makes a good point about 'being friends' and I agree, your DS should dictate when/if this happens. With my DD, the bf offered 'I hope we can still be friends' as a way to soften the blow, which she rejected as she said to me 'how can I be instant friends with someone who has hurt me so badly?'.