Feeling utterly wrung out & need support

[themidwife]

STBXH & I separated 18 months ago & got back together 3 months later. We had many highs & lows & he continued to live apart from us but spent a lot of time at home with us. We had couples counselling & many plans for him to move back in. Before Christmas I said we needed to shit or get off the pot now & sort ourselves out after Christmas.

Christmas was tense & illness, work & his attitude spoilt things. Just after New Year he went awol saying he needed time & space to work & concentrate on that.

Last weekend he had my youngest DD for weekend & she came home on Sunday & said there had been a strange lady & her children in Daddy's house she didn't know. I confronted him when he dropped her off & apparently he met her out somewhere last tuesday night & was now seeing her & our relationship was over but because in his mind we split up on boxing day he has done nothing wrong.

We made love over new year & he did not end the relationship with me although he avoided me.

How could he wheel a new woman & a her kids in after 5 days to meet my DD & start seeing someone without even telling me it's over between us?

I'm reeling with shock & disbelief. Tell me it gets better!

Is there a chance you might even be awarded a greater share of the property now that your personal circumstances have changed again?

Or is what you're hoping for the status quo with the share you'd previously agreed?

Have you had a chance to find out from your solicitor what current knobber would be entitled to, on your divorce? And what you'd be entitled to from him?

Because I might be missing something here, but if you ended up with a bigger share because of being left by current knob - or the same- and it all got settled next week, the timing might not be so bad after all.

No the % of the original order can never be changed. It's all about whether it's net or gross.

My changed circumstances may cause more pity from the judge & maybe that may affect his opinion but unlikely. He may give me more time & extend the timing. Who knows.

Sorry grammar failure! He may extend the terms of the order.

Oh.

I'm not sure I understand, but have you spoken to your solicitor about the latest developments yet?

Yes. Seeing her on Monday & a barrister is defending me on Wednesday.

He's refusing to not have her & her kids there when he has our DCs. A few days ago we all thought we were a family. How can't he see this is not appropriate right now?

I can't seem to get a grip - still not eating or sleeping

I'm not surprised lots of huge stuff going on for you.

How old are your dcs, I can't remember I'm afraid?

4, 9, 20 & 21 (older ones left home now)

He's been stringing you all along for years I'm afraid. Let him dig his own grave with your dc, they will see him for who he is very very quickly.

Well it's only my youngest who is his & she adores him no matter what.

Yes of course she adores him but she will also realise where his priorities are, which is very sad for her

Yes. All I want is for him to keep his new lady friend away from the kids for a few months. Not to much to ask is it?

No it's not but if you say anything it will kick off even worse. He is not capable of putting the dc first.

He sat & watched me sob & sob last night & just said - you'll be fine & bye.

oh midwife, I am sorry that he is being such a bastard. and right at a time when you have this court case going on as well. I am sure that you would be dealing better with him if you didn't have that going on.

XH is sleeping with his OW when DD is there and it is so wrong as DD knows that she is married to his friend and told me that it is wrong. I can bring it up with him, but there is nothing that I can do to stop it, only be there for DD when she comes home upset.

I know that you always put the children first and if he really won't not have this woman around, then you either stop them going, which will aggravate the situation, or you could talk to them as best you can to explain very simply what is happening.

Your H has now joined the "callous cold bastard" club and he won't give a damn about your feelings now. What a prick.

Look after yourself.

Well he's sent an email today telling me he's divorcing me so that's that. He has no grounds though.

Well he'll just have to wait for the 2 years seperation then won't he

Don't let him in your house anymore. End of.

No I won't. I have a feeling he's going to make grounds up.

Yes I was right. He has said unless he receives a divorce petition from me within 4 weeks he will file for unreasonable behaviour "because he has grounds & it's impossible to contest them." This is a man who less than a month ago said I was the love of his life.

It's up to you what you want to do - divorce him on adultery? Not sure what difference it makes to paying the costs although you don't need a solicitor to do the petition.

I would ask him for the court fees, about £500 I think.

If I divorce him for adultery it's normal practise for him to have to pay all my costs inc court fees & legal costs.

midwife please get your petition in on UB first. Even Mother Theresa could be divorced on UB. Then he'll be liable for costs (for divorce that is, not financials).

Just back from solicitor today - I am petitioner on his UB (he's living with his secretary!) - he has applied for financials.

It'll be adultery. He's admitted it including her name in writing.