Feeling utterly wrung out & need support

[themidwife]

STBXH & I separated 18 months ago & got back together 3 months later. We had many highs & lows & he continued to live apart from us but spent a lot of time at home with us. We had couples counselling & many plans for him to move back in. Before Christmas I said we needed to shit or get off the pot now & sort ourselves out after Christmas.

Christmas was tense & illness, work & his attitude spoilt things. Just after New Year he went awol saying he needed time & space to work & concentrate on that.

Last weekend he had my youngest DD for weekend & she came home on Sunday & said there had been a strange lady & her children in Daddy's house she didn't know. I confronted him when he dropped her off & apparently he met her out somewhere last tuesday night & was now seeing her & our relationship was over but because in his mind we split up on boxing day he has done nothing wrong.

We made love over new year & he did not end the relationship with me although he avoided me.

How could he wheel a new woman & a her kids in after 5 days to meet my DD & start seeing someone without even telling me it's over between us?

I'm reeling with shock & disbelief. Tell me it gets better!

My heart bleeds for him. What a dick. You are well rid.

Oppressive regime you are a fascist state all on your own then!!. Has he ever taken any responsibility? You have been more than generous in forgiving, giving him a long lead, he does live separately, how can that be oppressive?

Ignore him. You are a hard working woman and a good mum. He can go stick his oppressive regime where the sun don't shine.

Remember it's the same old line that they all trot out when they clear off.... I had to go, she was mean to me, blah blah blah

Realistically, would the relationship have worked even if this hadn't happened?

What you must realise is that you did try to make the relationship work and, even though it hasn't, you can look back knowing that you did everything you could. It wasn't enough but, no regrets, you tried.

A very similar thing happened to me in December (was in a relationship that wasn't working and thought we both had the same goal to be together and address our differences but he started shagging about). I too was in shock, it is a horrible thing but literally two weeks after he admitted he was shagging about and I ended the relationship, I suddenly felt to much better about it being over and so much more positive about the future.

It might take you longer than two weeks but sooner or later yu will realise that you have wasted enough energy on someone who quite simply does not deserve it. When that moment comes, you will appreciate that your life is so much better without him and you won't look back.

Thinking of you x

I'm so sorry. I know it sounds so cliche but you are better off without him.

Hi middy, love

Oppressive regime my ample peaches

He's had free rein of the hippy hills as well as free rein of your hippy hills.

....and a Pied a Terre as well....

Idiot. As others have said; well rid. Just perhaps hard to see that right now.

I can't believe how he had treated his daughter too

Yes that's the thing that hurts most - of course I know it would never work apart from in my Disney princess head & the feelings I have for him are chemical & to do with attachment & physical yearning. In my logical brain I know he has caused us all endless stress & turmoil & pain. He spoilt Christmas Day because I "touted for sympathy" on Facebook by saying shame I was working but had seen some lovely Christmas babies. Someone commented - when was I doing the nut roast? - but I replied that I'd popped home between visits to put the turkey in because some of the kids would revolt if it was all vegetarian. He went mental saying I was making him look bad & lazy & touting for sympathy on FB & started shouting at me on Christmas Day & put a bitchy comment on Facebook. I unfriended him.

He recently hit my DD1 in the car for shouting & now introduces a woman & her kids to DD2 & DSD2 when they think he is still married to me.

A week ago I asked if we had split & he said no. I asked if I should cancel our trip to Bath & he said no he was sure things would be fine by then. Apparently he was already seeing this other woman at that stage.

He's a liar & a scumbag who uses his children to play super dad to lure another single mother in.

Your last paragraph has it all summed up really, doesn't it?

Yes I'm afraid so.

You are well rid.

He would have been kicked out the moment he hit my DC.

Counselling for you would be a good idea as you seem to keep getting into abusive relationships.

Yes I'm having psychotherapy to deal with this issue. All my partners apart from my teenage sweetheart have been abusive. My parents were neglectful & emotionally absent. I recognise this.

He hit your DD1?!

And now he's after another woman with DCs.

He had a strange way of behaving if he thought he was in an oppressive regime.

Aah, Midwife - I hardly ever come on here now but spotted your post and remembered you from long ago. Sorry that it's all turned out so disappointingly. He's been bloody hard work, hasn't he?

But don't depress yourself thinking you'll never have a fulfilling relationship with a good bloke. My DSis has had one tosspot after another throughout her adult life - she kept picking men who were somehow damaged, and thought stable men were boring. Once she hit her fifties she'd more or less given up on men. However, just by chance she encountered someone she knew years ago - and yes, she'd dismissed him as not edgy enough first time round. She's still with him over a year later, and we all think he's great - not in the least boring (funny and entertaining more like). He is sensible - but it's a good job one of them is.

I'd be pissed off if I was in your position and some random like me told me not to worry because against all expectation her DSis had found a nice man. 'So what?' I'd say. And I do know you have to grit your teeth at the mo and plough through some shit - but keep hold of the thought that if the likes of DSis can find a great bloke after a lifetime's grief there's hope for anybody (hope she's not reading this!).

Hope all goes well for you in court.

I'm not desperate for another relationship but I'd like to feel that I am not the person he says I am (awful in every way)

Let's see how he gets on when he hasn't got you to blame for all the ills of his world. His new flame doesn't know what's she's got in store for her after the lovey-dovey bit has worn off. The blamers and underminers always revert to type.

Stop with the 'awful in every way'; I well remember your kindness and funniness on here. None of us are perfect (I'm turning into a right old bag for a kick-off) but don't take seriously all the shit he's chucked at you so he can kid himself he smells like a rose.

It's like he's turned into a monster! Tell me this is the script right? I asked very politely for my things back out of his house inc my mattress topper which I don't fancy being used by him with new woman. I offered to collect or he could deliver. He has replied that he will not be "bullied into stripping his bed & going round the house emptying drawers" & that I my text was "abusive" & he will not communicate with me further until I can be reasonable.

You can't reason with s

Stupid phone! You can't reason with somebody like that. If you asked nicely then no need for that response. My kneejerk reaction would be solicitors letter which of course would look even more unreasonable, but you wonder how else to deal with somebody who won't communicate.

You know this is him, not you. You know that they have to vilify the wife in order to not look bad themselves.

You know that he is the unreasonable one. Ignore it, and concentrate on yourself.

Now he's asking for my solicitor's details!!

Ignore him, love

Come on, you know the script

You decide what you want to do, in your own time

You have indulged this twat for far too long

I agree with Skye on the vilify bit. He sounds bonkers, and very unreasonable. I hope you have cancelled that Bath trip. Or go and take a nice friend.

Yes I've cancelled it & refund on the way. What does he want my auditor's details for? It's crazy!

Solicitor!

It's certainly par for the course for a knobhead to get even more knobbish when a new woman's on the scene. I should think it's a familiar pattern you recognise though, love.

Try to disengage about anything other than divorce, money and kids. Focus on the battle ahead with the first knob and if there's any justice in this world, you'll get a good result and it will seem like a sign that at long last, your finances are at least secure. I know I bang on about women's financial independence on here, but my goodness there's a lot to be said for it.

The timing is shite, which of course he knew.