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Original poster

Being single and not trying to meet anyone

74 replies

MrsBobHale · 18/01/2014 23:19

I have only been single for a few months, but before that was in a long distance relationship for 8 years, so was effectively living a single life.

Since we split up, I'm constantly getting asked if I've tried online dating, if I met anyone at the weekend etc etc. If I say I'm not interested, I get laughed at and told I'll change my mind when I meet the right man etc. Of course I can't deny this because I might, but I'm really very happy not to for the time being.

I don't think I realised before just how much social pressure there is to stop being single. It's really similar to when you give up drinking, and people react with disbelief.

I can't actually think of a good reason to go out looking for a boyfriend at the moment. I'm financially secure, I have my DD who is great, and I've parented her alone her whole life anyway. I have good friends and close family so I'm not lonely, and I'm actually really enjoying having my weekends back now I'm not obliged to spend them with LDR.

Plus - and this might be the main factor - I have recently gone through an early menopause and I have no sex drive whatsoever, so I don't have any needs in that department.

Has anyone else decided to opt out of the convention of looking for a partner? Am I kidding myself that I could be happily single for the rest of my life? I'm 39 BTW.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/01/2014 09:42

It took me one year after exH to think about finding a new partner, and now, after finishing with the next partner, it's been 8 months and I don't see where I'd fit dating and feel no compulsion to do it either.
No early menopause, and I'm 42.

I think you're right that if the right person comes along, then great. But actively looking is different.

Lizzabadger · 19/01/2014 09:49

Been single for years. Other people's husbands and old men can be incredibly sleazy .

Love the Netflix comment!!

Lizzabadger · 19/01/2014 09:53

Plus for me the quotation

“People would never fall in love if they hadn't heard love talked about.” ? François de La Rochefoucauld.

really applies! I never feel that strongly about anyone!!

desperatelyseekingsolace · 19/01/2014 09:56

There is a lot of pressure not to be single, you are right. And it's bullshit. It's one of the things that is most wrong about our society.

Being in a genuinely happy, well matched relationship is a gift from God. Anything short of that is not worth it.

Enjoy the fact you are happily single. It makes you a more secure, more confident person, and will vastly increase the chances that the next relationship you get into will be happy.

And f* what anyone else thinks. Most of them are probably obscurely insecure about their own relationships.

Original poster
MrsBobHale · 19/01/2014 09:56

I've got lovefilm. Is that where I'm going wrong?

Some great answers though. Thanks everyone.

It would be really complicated to let someone into my life in the next few years. I'd happily widen my social circle and i have plans to do that but i just don't feel the need to disrupt my life and home to fit a partner in.

OP posts:
MaeveWest · 19/01/2014 09:57

I'm not proud of it too, I feel like a lot of women are so conservative, I'm nearly embarrassed for them, or I would be embarrassed to be in their shoes now, if say, I ended up suddenly in a couple doing the couple thing. It would seem so embarrassingly predictable. I don't mean to offend anybody here, maybe I'm not explaining it quite right.

MaeveWest · 19/01/2014 09:57

lol at not since netflix! I'm going to use that next time I'm asked

StillSeekingSpike · 19/01/2014 09:58

Lovefilm is like going out with the guy next door. Netflix is like being pursued by Benedict Cumberbatch Wink

omuwalamulungi · 19/01/2014 10:00

My friends genuinely do not understand why I don't want to immediately find another relationship, but that's probably because none of them ever let go of one branch before they've got hold of another, so to speak Grin

I was single for 3 years before this relationship, I like that I had some time in my early 20s to figure out who I was without someone else and learn to be a bit more independent. I get really tired of talking about, say, a tv programme with a friend and she'll say "oh DP doesn't like that so I can't watch it". Another admitted that she's terrified of being single because she never has been.

AND any wedding chat is always along the lines of "my special day", one of them is on about imposing a deadline, the other is expecting a proposal this year, dear God I'm so dreading it.

It's more the pity that they think I need that annoys me. I stopped talking about my problems because I was sick of being pitied. Of course I'm sad but I'm also completely fine, it's possible to end a relationship and walk away knowing you did the right thing without having someone there to pick up the pieces. I am that person, I pick up the pieces, why is that so hard to understand for some people?

MaeveWest · 19/01/2014 10:01

Rooners, I felt like that too for years, like nobody thought I was relationship material for any self-respecting man. Now I have my own place and my own job and I've been through psychotherapy and my baggage is off-loaded and in truth I'm good to go and less fucked up than the average joe married or not but I don't think people have updated their old perception of me as Not-Relationship-Material for any self-respecting man! so only a few very loyal friends that know me and know I'm good company would ever ask. The rest assume it's a hopeless case I think Confused

Original poster
MrsBobHale · 19/01/2014 10:06

I think it should be the law that everyone should have to be single for 6 months every 5 years. Just to avoid the situation some of my friends are in where they can't work their own tv and can't go on holiday because "dp doesn't really like foreign food"

These are otherwise intelligent women who used to call themselves feminists!

OP posts:
MavisGrind · 19/01/2014 10:06

"I have been happily single for years. I love my life. I'm not against a relationship should someone worthwhile come along, but they'd have to be pretty fantastic for me to bother." - I agree with Selks

5 years single, 2 dcs and have achieved more in that 5 years than I did in the 20 years preceding it. If someone lovely came along then perhaps.... But I really don't see the need.

Mind you I may swap from Lovefilm to Netflix Wink

MistressDeeCee · 19/01/2014 10:07

OP if you want to be single thats your prerogative, not sure why you'd even take on board what others think. Having said that I dont think people are being unkind theyre just used to people - especially women - being coupled up, and are probably trying to be helpful, in their own way. Theyll stop asking in the end.

MavisGrind · 19/01/2014 10:09

I agree Bob. Single women are still seen as someone either to pity or distrust.

Our ability to be fantastic with fantastic, full, lives is seen as threatening to some. But then I despair of my friends who leave the bill paying to their DPs...what are they thinking?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 10:34

The 'DP doesn't like foreign food' dependent types are usually the very ones that are most insistent that you should follow in their footsteps IME. Possibly because they can't imagine what life would be like solo. I've sat patiently listening to a friend before going on and on and on about all the petty grievances and resentments that characterise her marriage, finishing with 'it's a pity you don't have anyone'. The irony of it all has gone completely over their head.

Lweji · 19/01/2014 10:38

Can't work their own tvs? Shock

Allergictoironing · 19/01/2014 11:15

Oh I know a couple like that Lweji. She can't programme the video, set an alarm clock, even get her own money out of the cash point! He on the other hand genuinely doesn't know how to use their washing machine, and was incredibly proud of himself when she went away & he was capable of sticking a ready made pizza in the oven.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/01/2014 11:36

Another longterm single here. I haven't had a couple-relationship for about 10 years, and haven't been in a longterm monogamous one for over 20. I don't like couple-relationships; they don't suit me.

I don't get much social pressure, though. I think this might be because a) most of my good friends are unconventional people; some are coupled up or married, some are not, some are LGBT, most are in some way ;outside the mainstream. ANd b) because DS' dad and I have a very amicable co-parent relationship and spend a certain amount of time together as a family, I can kind of 'pass' for a non-single woman when among strangers or new acquaintances.

Mind you, at nearly 50 and a rough-looking old bat, I doubt many people would see me as a threat to their monogamism. I'm too gobby and scruffy to be hit on by men, on the whole.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 19/01/2014 12:02

I recognise that feeling too, Rooners - but I don't think a partner fixes it :( I'm 40 and not looking because I can't imagine taking the risk of another shitty relationship - but I miss having that extra body around, even just for carrying big things upstairs.

bringmeroses · 19/01/2014 12:11

Ok I'll bite - mavisgrind why do you despair of people who leave the bill paying to their dps?!

Allergictoironing · 19/01/2014 12:27

I thought she meant women who don't bother their pretty little heads about nasty financial things, as the man does all that Grin

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 19/01/2014 12:28

Because you can suddenly find yourself in massive debt, or with a poor credit record because bills you thought were being paid weren't, I imagine.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 12:31

YY to the 'I don't bother my pretty little head' attitude. Hmm Grates the same as people who cheerfully admit they can't drive or add up as if it's something to be proud of. You're a grown-up, it's basic stuff, just learn!

MadeMan · 19/01/2014 12:33

"I get really tired of talking about, say, a tv programme with a friend and she'll say "oh DP doesn't like that so I can't watch it"."

I know some men who have this problem when their wives want to watch the telly. Men confined to the bedroom all night like teenage boys again, because the missus wants to watch Eastenders and Doc Martin.

Singledom is great for everyone if you value your independence. Smile

wallypops · 19/01/2014 12:51

So happily single and celibate for 6 years pretty much exactly. 43 today! As someone said up thread, I haven't met anyone that would make giving up /compromising what I have now worth it. In that time I have only met one person who gave me pause for thought - but fortunately he's married and living on the other side of the world! Prior to exh I was single and celibate for 3 years, and it just works best for me. I have 2 DDs and they pretty much tick all the boxes I have emotionally.