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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

10 months post affair - still upset !

28 replies

Justconfused · 18/01/2014 21:55

I found out my husband was unfaithful to me last spring. He ended it with OW and has shown genuine remorse. I still feel upset and can niggle at him for quite small things - why is this ? I hate this about myself and wish I could put it behind me.
I feel he would like to sweep it under the carpet. The main issue for me is that he cheated on me whilst I was being treated for breast cancer. I cannot comprehend how he could have done that to me when I was at my most vulnerable.
He blames it on stress - turning 40 (classic mid life crisis ) and losing his hair ( yes - I kid you not )
Now in 2014 - because it happened last year I think he wants to put it behind him. I feel so frustrated because I still am furious with him - I feel he has been weak and vain ( I hate this !) and I am this bitter and resentful person - not the person I want to be. Sorry I am rambling I know - what can I do to feel better ?

OP posts:
Minime85 · 18/01/2014 21:59

I can't imagine what you've been through with any of that. I'm really sorry your h treated u in this way at any time let alone, as you say, when you were at your most vulnerable.
have you tried any counselling? to see if that allows you to air what you need and deserve to say?

ChangedMyMind · 18/01/2014 22:02

Have you had any joint counselling?

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/01/2014 22:02

I feel for you and can understand why you still are furious with him. It's okay to feel like that after all you have been through.

Have you talked things through with your H as fully as you need to?

I hope you are recovering from the breast cancer.

Daerve · 18/01/2014 22:02

Sounds to me like neither of you have actually faced the issues head on and until you do there will always be this barrier between you.

Blaming an affair on losing your hair! Really? I bet he wants to put it behind him.

You need to be completely honest with each other or the wedge will never be removed and the anger will continue and slowly turn to hate.

I'm not surprised you're bitter and resentful to be honest, these emotions appear to be perfectly rational.

Sit down, talk, lots. If this fails then try an intermediary. Above all, be honest.

HanselandGretel · 18/01/2014 22:06

Sorry you had to go through this on top of your illness, you have every right to be 'still upset'. I think him wanting to sweep it all under the carpet is not reasonable, it would be 'nice' for him if you just kept quite and didn't voice your niggles but you have been through a horrendous time and he let you down badly when he should have been at home supporting you...anyone would be livid, he has been 'weak' and 'vain'...how crappy to site his own personal minor 'crisis' as an excuse.
Get counselling, rant and rave, talk to friends, give yourself time and space...just because he ended it with OW and is remorseful doesn't mean you can neatly put it away....it may take more time but be good to yourself, you deserve so much better than this OP.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 22:09

The only way you'll feel better is to tell the guy to take a hike. He treated you with contempt, insulted you and now expects you to just get over it. What's worse is that you think you're a bad person for still being angry!!!! Someone sent me a cheesy Facebook 'thing' the other day that went something like this

"Grab a plate and throw it on the ground"

  • Okay, done
"Did it break?"
  • Yes
"Now say sorry to it"
  • Sorry
"Did it go back to the way it was before?"
  • No
"Now do you understand?"

Far easier to ditch being bitter and resentful when you don't have to look at their arsehole face every day.... :)

tribpot · 18/01/2014 22:16

From what I've read on MN, what you're feeling is quite normal - and that actually it can take months for the shock to wear off, and I guess for the immediate drama to be over with all its power to distract you. Plus as well you may be having similar emotions about the cancer treatment - the initial focus on getting through it is over and you have time to reflect on the massive shock and upheaval to your life.

(I'm not suggesting you aren't entitled to feel what you're feeling solely because of his affair - of course you are - but this is a huge amount for you to have to process).

Do people around you know about the affair? I would guess you kept it quiet so as not to embarrass him? I would open up to a few people - you deserve to have your feelings taken care of and acknowledged, and he doesn't deserve the shroud of secrecy.

The thing that would worry me most was whether he would do it again if you're ever ill in the future. He doesn't seem to perceive there to be a link between the two events but is it really a coincidence that he went looking for attention at a time when you couldn't focus your energy on his needs? And when he should have been selflessly supporting you and nurturing you instead he was off getting his rocks off to make himself feel better?

He may be genuinely remorseful but after a deep betrayal like that, things can't go back to normal. You may be able to rebuild your marriage and find a way to trust him in the future but this isn't over just because he's no longer shagging the other woman.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 22:18

He's not genuinely remorseful... he's saying 'get over it'. That's not remorse that's someone who doesn't care about the OP and doesn't understand the depth of the pain he's caused.

RandomMess · 18/01/2014 22:20

My dh really really let me down over something, it ripped me apart. It has taken me nearly 4 years of getting to point of proper forgiveness where I'm ready to 100% trust him again emotionally.

10 months - he's having a laugh!

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 22:21

If he wants this to work out, he has to accept that the anger and hurt will go on for a lot longer than a year. It will be a long time before he regains your trust, if ever. So, if he's genuinely in it for the long haul, he has to face the consequences of his actions; you mustn't hide your feelings and play the good little wife who forgives infidelity without making a fuss - if you do you really will end up resentful.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2014 22:21

Just dump the cheating fuck, you will feel better immediately. Trust me on that.

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/01/2014 22:25

We had one counselling session with a Relate qualified counsellor - it was a disaster. She kept going on about the affair being a symptom of a poor relationship - like she was blaming me for the affair - bloody hell it was awful
I thought the hour would never end ! The reality was I had worked really hard through the cancer treatment both physically and mentally - and my ''d' h had lots of attention from me. I just feel my husband has acted like such a prick -,I am not sure if I can forgive him

OP posts:
Original poster
Justconfused · 18/01/2014 22:28

I have lots of great female friends who I have been able to confide in and have been so supportive. I have also posted on Mumsnet before through this crisis and have been overwhelmed by the support I have received here. I feel so grateful for it

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/01/2014 22:30

I think you need to give yourself permission to not forgive him, OP. What he's done goes way beyond even the usual betrayal of an affair. Whatever your ultimate decision you are entitled to consider his actions unforgivable.

Daerve · 18/01/2014 22:31

I'm not surprised to be fair.

You need to decide what you want, affairs can be a sign of a poor relationship but this doesn't necessarily reflect upon you. If you genuinely feel it can't be worked out then start planning separation.

He should be begging your forgiveness at every opportunity and being Mr Contrite, if he isn't then he's being a total bell end. If I had an affair when all my hair fell out I'd fully expect DW to remove my balls while I slept before systematically destroying me personally and financially. Particularly if she was being treated for breast cancer at the time.

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 22:31

I think you need to tell him that you're not sure if you can forgive him. You can't not feel angry if you keep that in.

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 22:34

Affairs can be sign of a struggling relationship or they can be a sign of entitlement and self-indulgence.

What kind of arsehole cheats on a sick person? Only a very selfish one.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2014 22:35

It's really not unusual for an affair to be "forgiven" but for it all to fall apart some time afterwards. It's not all "Throw him out immediately and never look back". These things can be a slow burn. When you wake up from the shock, hysterical bonding, denial and futile hope for it all to go back to the way is was before then real life tends to creep in.

And it's not pretty.

Mrswellyboot · 18/01/2014 22:35

OP I hope your treatment is successful. I honestly couldn't stay with him after that. Life is so hard without going home to that type of relationship. Hi can you just get on with it when he was playing around when you were ill ?

He should be on his knees begging forgiveness.

Sweetart · 18/01/2014 22:38

I don't think that you will truly forgive this man,especially under the circumstances,ever. He's changed the person that you were before. The happy,forgiving ,person.

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 22:41

I think it's possible to forgive someone if they are genuinely abject with contrition and continue to be so. With someone who wants to brush betrayal under the carpet, not so much...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/01/2014 01:22

If H had at any point told you the shock of your serious illness made him go crazy with fear at losing you so - paradoxically - he thought he'd push you away by going out and having a mindless affair, I could in some warped way see what he was doing. People in pieces do act strangely.

Or was H proving his virility because he was turning 40 and losing some hair felt like the end of his world. I am sorry but was it kept under wraps, was ending it with OW a belated attempt to play the brave supportive DH?

Did he move out? Are there DCs in the mix? I don't think less than 12 months is time to draw a line under it if that's what he thinks, it's about how you feel. After all you went through I think any hysterical bonding was as much about you thinking I am still here! as any attempt to rekindle what you once had. Now the anniversary of your discovery is looming and he wants to move on I suspect you now want to see how trustworthy this man is.

golfwidow53 · 19/01/2014 11:53

I know how you feel, I am still trying to come to terms and move on after finding out in sept 2012! I also had some gynae problems which I have blamed myself for! He never came with me to the consultant and I was so worried he would have an affair, when in actual fact it had already started anyway! Surely partners should support through illness not the opposite! I think men tend to shy away when they are needed most and think it will all go away if they ignore it! Sometimes they use it to get sympathy from the OW! My DH told her I might have cancer etc and what would he do , sob, sob, ah, poor man! Maybe your DH did the same and it got out of control or the OW latched on!!
An affair takes 2 and there are a lot of predatory women around these days, you only have to see how young people behave now to realise sex is a pastime for them, like going for a meal, not connected to love at all!!
I hope you can sort it out together as we are trying to do! It does take a very long time though I'm afraid , all the best.
A friend summed it up for me, try and think of the sex as an animal act that all species do, not for love, the fact that he want's to live with you is what matters! Sex is not Love!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 12:00

Predatory women? Latched on? Hmm Have a bloody word with yourself love. Your pathetic DH went out looking for an OW and even had a nice juicy sob story ready - exploiting your illness - to trot out to reel one in. If anyone was predatory and latching it was him!!!

Your friend is wrong. It's neither about sex nor love. It's about the mistrust caused by contempt, lies and a casual disregard for anyone other than themselves.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 12:02

GW, I am sorry but I think you need to find some new friends

That is really shit advice

Sex may not be love to some people, but "respect" is universal