10 months post affair - still upset !

[Justconfused]

I found out my husband was unfaithful to me last spring. He ended it with OW and has shown genuine remorse. I still feel upset and can niggle at him for quite small things - why is this ? I hate this about myself and wish I could put it behind me.
I feel he would like to sweep it under the carpet. The main issue for me is that he cheated on me whilst I was being treated for breast cancer. I cannot comprehend how he could have done that to me when I was at my most vulnerable.
He blames it on stress - turning 40 (classic mid life crisis ) and losing his hair ( yes - I kid you not )
Now in 2014 - because it happened last year I think he wants to put it behind him. I feel so frustrated because I still am furious with him - I feel he has been weak and vain ( I hate this !) and I am this bitter and resentful person - not the person I want to be. Sorry I am rambling I know - what can I do to feel better ?

See, I can understand your H's skewed perception on the affair (an escape from reality) and while not trying to excuse his betrayal or his weak character, I can see that he might not necessarily be akin to Hitler.

Then you tell me that a mere 10 months on he's expecting you to be over it and want to put it all in the past. That's what's wrong here - his inability to own his mistakes, learn from them, and accept that the pace for recovery is set by you, not him. That is indicative of a selfish personality who has learned nothing from his past mistakes (so is likely to do it again).

What is he doing to help you get past this?

I'm sorry you too had the rug pulled from under your feet at a vulnerable point golfwidow. I don't know how I would react. Dismissing the physical betrayal as just some kind of primitive natural urge may provide some comfort but the effort put into sneaking around is definitely not spontaneous or minus self awareness. I suspect if you had retaliated by having an affair of your own your H might have been less inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt.

If cheating men are predominantly victims then it's a passport to dodge responsibility and conveniently lets them off the hook. Equally a "predatory" OW must have an uncanny sixth sense for when their prey or target is susceptible. I sincerely hope you regain happiness.

I wouldn't pay attention to any of the extreme positions outside commentators take.

Being encouraged to think that your husband is a mere victim of his libido and a predatory woman is just as ridiculous as saying your husband is evil to the core and without redemption.

What matters more is what your particular husband has done in the past 10 months to address that part of his character that couldn't cope with ageing and the different appearance that produces. These are unlikely to be the only reasons he did what he did though. There's possibly some escapism in the mix there, but those issues are behaviours he needs to acknowledge and change about himself.

If he has failed to get therapy himself, has read nothing and hasn't worked on himself very much in the past 10 months, it is not surprising you are feeling like you do.

It is never too late to ask for a separation while you give it some more thought, never too late to have some counselling on your own and never too late to say "This isn't going to work unless there are radical changes". It's also never too late to say "I know I'm not going to get past this and forgive, so it's best we part".