I want to separate

[TracyAB]

This is my first ever post so if I don't use the right acronyms please bear with me, and its quite long...

I'm 42 & been with my DH since we were 17. Married for 18 years, 2 DS. Our marriage hasn't been right for years. Last summer he started to take a close interest with one of my friends which she returned. I didn't like what I was seeing & told them I wasn't prepared to put up with their very flirty ott friendship. It stopped. At the end of November he told me (again) that he couldn't talk to me, there is no passion in our marriage (true) I was fat, hugely overweight (6ft, 14.5 stone) and unattractive and why can't I try to lose some weight - for my own health benefits, according to him.

Whilst I agree I'm overweight I don't think I'm as bad as he makes out. The reason there is no passion is I think he will always be criticising my body or looking horribly at me without any clothes on. Also he does things I really don't like - for example the way he tells our 2 DS off. He can have quite an aggressive angry tone which I really don't like - I have told him this several times. To me it's what's inside a person that matters & not what they look like. Obviously if I weighted 20 stone I realise there may be health issues but I really don't think I'm as bad as he thinks.

Anyway, after November I started to imagine my life without him & came to the conclusion that I would be happier without him. No more worrying what he may say in front of people to the children or embarrassing me in front of friends. I decided not to say anything and to live with the decision in my head over Christmas (a time for families!!) and see if I think I'd reached the right decision.

Last Sunday I told him that I didn't want to be with him. According to him it came as a total shock, despite several times telling me we can't go on like this. I wanted to tell our 2DS but he said that he didn't until we had answers as to what was happening with house, where he would be living etc.. We needed to understand where we stood legally.

So I went to CAB & a solicitor. I told him what was said. Apparently I'm now rushing things - even though I went to find out so we could discuss and tell our DSS. I work part time & can just about afford to pay bills, food, petrol etc... But not the mortgage. We have about 7 years on our mortgage left. Ideally I'd like him to pay the mortgage until our youngest DS (9)is 18 and then split the house 50/50. He has agreed verbally to this, at the moment.

I do feel for him as he keeps telling me this time last week his life was ok (really??) and now he's life is upside down, he is going to have to leave, pay the mortgage, leave with nothing and try to start again. He has said he sees why husbands kill themselves. He says he also feels angry at me.

I can't carry on living a lie and pretending things are ok when they're not. We both deserve to be happy.

I feel a complete & utter mess, shaky, sick to the pit of my stomach, very emotional etc.... I want to tell our DSS but 1 of them has a birthday next week, so will wait till after then.

I just wanted to share how I'm feeling as I feel lonely, very worried, sorry for him, yet know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him as he is now. He won't see a counsellor. BTW I know I'm not perfect and it is both of our fault.

Thank you for reading this far. Has anyone been through something similar or got any words of advice? xx

I'm sorry you feel so down but I would urge you to have the courage of your convictions. You're describing a miserable relationship in which you've been routinely insulted, treated with contempt, possibly cheated on and there seems to have been a lot of bullying. The 'I can see why husbands kill themselves' remark is classic emotional abuse.... there was quite an interesting thread recently on Relationships called 'If you leave me I'll kill myself'. Threats, it seems, are the last refuge of the emotionally abusive bully and purely designed to guilt-trip a decent woman into sticking around. He took it for granted that you had no choices. Pity he didn't think about the consequences before choosing to behave the way he did for the last 18 years, right?

Do you have RL support from anyone? Trusted friend or family member? Well done getting legal advice. Obviously, you don't need his permission to proceed and it's going to help you a lot if you have some solid moral support.

Best of luck

You sound like you are doing well actually. You have given yourself time to think it over and have kept with the same conclusion which, given how he treats you sounds right. He is now deploying all the classic EA traits now though isn't he? Trying to make it your fault when, in fact, by his deeds and treatment of you, has brought this about himself to a degree. He is annoyed that you have called time on it I suspect. Stay strong, he will get worse before it gets better probably but once out the other side, I am sure you will find peace of mind and a better life. Try and get him to stick to the plan of paying the mortgage and then the 50/50 split. It sounds fair but many other posters on here will advise you get plenty of legal advice and they would be right.

Always try and remain the better person and keep your dignity. I am sorry you are having to deal with this in your life.

Thank you both. It's funny how 2 people I don't know can help me feel better. I've told my Sister & Mum so they are there for me, but live 1 hour away, so it's phone calls mostly.

I was shocked at how much a solicitor is. I got a free 30 min appointment, but if I want to see him again its £220+vat an hour!!!! He did suggest I see a financial advisor to see what my options are.

DH keeps telling me how lonely I'm going to be, and how big the house will seem (we have a 3 bed house - not a mansion) and how I won't be able to cope. I guess he's scared and worried. I know I'm a nice person but I don't feel it at the moment.

I hadn't really seen him as a bully until you said.