Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Pregnant and don't know what to do

31 replies

MummyIsMagic79 · 18/01/2014 18:53

This is a long story...

DH and I have been together 11 years, married for 7 years this year. Have DCs of 7, 4 and 1.
In 2012, DH had an affair while I was pregnant with DC3, with a friend of mine. (Some of you might remember my threads). Meh has worked hard. Read, relate, transparency, open to talking, anything I asked really. Things on am even keel for a while now. Affair feels very much 'in the past', now.
Anyway... Stupidly, I have realised I'm around six weeks pregnant. We have both reluctantly realised that we cannot afford it, don't have room for it, and the risks to my health are vast (bed rest from 28 weeks last time, with significant pain and risk to me and DC3).
DS1 and 2 share a room. If this baby was a boy, there is NO room for it in with them. Dad has a box room. If baby was a girl there's NO room for it there either. We rent so no opportunity for future extension/loft conversion, and rebtals for a 4 bedroom house nearby are a jump of £300+ per month in rent. Something we couldn't cover. DH works FT and I work PT.
Have an initial consultation appt with bpas on Thursday afternoon. DH coming with me.
Basically, there are myriad reasons why not to go ahead and no real reasons why we should go ahead. But we both feel really shit about it. I know we have been stupid and irresponsible. There is pretty much no way we can do it, but we both just feel glum.
Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyIsMagic79 · 18/01/2014 18:55

DD not dad!

OP posts:

paxtecum · 18/01/2014 19:05

Sorry, but it is a fact that life can be crap.

It always seems that 30% of women have infertility problems and 30% are pregnant and don't want to be.

Many of us have experience of both of those situations.

The only advice I have is for one of you to be sterilised asap.

I hope you both feel better soon.

best wishes to you.

bluestar2 · 18/01/2014 19:53

The question is now you find yourself in this position do you want to keep this baby? If you do that one 'pro'changes the game. Siblings of different sexes can share until they are older and this would be an option in stead of getting a 4 bed rent a larger 3 bed. There are nearly always solutions. To the practical problems but you have to want it.

It does sound like you have decided what is best for you so I would suggest counselling to help you deal with how you are feeling. Good luck with your decision

Original poster

MummyIsMagic79 · 18/01/2014 21:20

Thank you both :)

I don't know how I feel. Not sure whether I actually want another child, or just don't like the idea of an abortion. Really hard.

DH supportive and says he'll support my decision, but he sees no way we can support it or house it really. We'd also need to buy a new. Car, another no-no. Ugh.

OP posts:

rach2713 · 18/01/2014 22:20

Wolud you consider adoption then if you don't want to have a abortion. Cuz it ain't the babies fault abd it could make a family happy

Santabroughtmethis · 18/01/2014 22:26

Offred · 18/01/2014 22:27

Whatever decision you make it is going to be tough emotionally and you will need support is the truth I think. What you need to do is make a decision you are comfortable with. I do think you should look up financial help, maybe go to CAB and have a hypothetical benefits assessment so you can be sure about the money side?

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 22:29

People who think that adoptions are a shiny happy easy option really get on my tits.

Terminations are grim but the implications of keeping it are grim too. You're caught between a rock and a hard place OP. Just remember whatever choice you make there's no blame.

rach2713 · 18/01/2014 22:32

Never said it was an easy option but maybe one to consider that's all

Santabroughtmethis · 18/01/2014 22:37

Because its not the baby's fault?

Not sure comments like that will help OP?

Santabroughtmethis · 18/01/2014 22:37

Sorry. cuz

rach2713 · 18/01/2014 22:42

Ok sorry maybe not. But any decision made will be a hard one you may not think you can afford an other child but you will I'm sure find a way

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 22:49

On the other hand, they may not find away or the pregnancy risks the OPs life.

Blondeorbrunette · 18/01/2014 22:50

Surely you are not considering an abortion because you dont have enough room for it?

The baby could stay in your room for a good while so no need to worry about sharing with other siblings. Your financial situation could well improve.

Offred · 18/01/2014 22:53

It doesn't really matter why you choose whatever you choose IMO, especially not what other people might think about your reasons. What matters is that you make a choice which is as informed as it can be and with which you are as comfortable as you can be. This is what will help you deal with it emotionally I think.

HOMEQCRICH · 18/01/2014 22:56

A difficult decision for you op. If its any comfort I was as idealistic as rach here until I found myself if the same position as you. I didn't go ahead with the pg and I am not sorry about that . But I did make sure it would never happen again.

HOMEQCRICH · 18/01/2014 22:58

If you want to message me you can x

Blondeorbrunette · 18/01/2014 23:03

Really, it wouldnt matter to you about the reasons?

the only reason op has given is she doesnt have room.

Op I think if you were to abort the baby because you dont have room, you will live to regret it. I think there is more to this. Are you worried your husband will cheat again if your pregnant and then busy with baby due to lack of sleep, no sex?

tummybummer · 18/01/2014 23:05

No, of course she can't have another and have it adopted!! Just think of the implications for her existing children who will see their mother pregnant, relatives, friends and for the one that gets adopted, if they later find out they were excluded from an established family?!

OP I don't think you'd be posting if you felt comfortable with your decision to abort, so - for what it's worth - you CAN do this, if you want to. People have babies in far, far tougher circumstances. You just need to decide which option you can live with best and which you'd regret more.

Offred · 18/01/2014 23:08

If you've made an informed choice that you are comfortable with at the time, no I don't think the actual reason matters particularly, certainly not to the op.

I think the govt should be extremely bothered that people might consider abortion because they can't afford another baby but I don't think individuals should be made to feel unreasonable. If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

5madthings · 18/01/2014 23:14

The op has lsoted several reasons includimg her own physicalmhealth beign at risk from anothe rpreg ffs, its not just about the room.

But even if o was it is entirely her decision.

Op your list sounds pretty conclusive to me, the health worries being thr majr concern.

I secodn the idea of some counselling amd quickly.

Whatever happens, be kind to yourself xx

rach2713 · 18/01/2014 23:28

At the end off the day you ain't goin to get everyone to agree abd the only people that cab decide is you abd your husband. And as for the reason she can't have it adopted is because off what friends and family will say is a bit stupid and for it being excluded is a bit far to go I would say more like given the chance to live

Original poster

MummyIsMagic79 · 18/01/2014 23:38

Thank you all for your replies. Everyone has been very kind to answer me. I was expecting a flaming, TBH.

I don't have time to answer individually as DC3 has woken up and is grumpy as anything. I promise I'll respond properly tomorrow.

I couldn't have a child that I had carried for that long, adopted. It's only my choice and I'd never dream of judging anyone who did. It can be a really good thing, innthebright circumstances. Then again, last week I'd have said that I could never have a termination :(

Have to see to baby now but will be back later I'm sure. Trouble sleeping the last few days.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

rach2713 · 18/01/2014 23:44

At the end off the day mummyismagic it's your choice you ain't goin to get any one who agrees with you or disagrees. We can all sit here till are fingers fall off telling you what's right abd what's wrong but deep down you know with in heart what's best for you and your decision and what ever you choose you are happy with.

Blondeorbrunette · 18/01/2014 23:45

There was one sentence about health risks and paragraphs about not enough room.

Not having enough room is a good enough reason not to get pregnant, its not a good enough reason to abort a baby. This goes much deeper than having enough room.

I had a termination in my early twenties so im not against abortions.

Op, you are only roughly 6 weeks gone so you have time to really think this through and look at all of your options.

Flip

1 2