Have I got valid reasons not to trust my boyfriend??

[Christie12]

I must explain that I have been divorced due to my EH being unfaithful, so I have some issues trusting my judgement and men!!
I am now in a great relationship apart from a few problems, such as:
my BFs DS from his current marriage (not divorced but separated for 3yrs now) still wants his parents to get back together, can't accept his dad has a girlfriend (me) even after 2yrs together he still wants to spend all his time with dad and not spend time together with me and my DSs. Other issue is that my BFs Ex now lives miles away back where she is originally from so my BF has to stay once a month at her house to see his DS, spending time together the 3 of them. This was made worse recently when normally he would talk about the weekend arrangements, such as his ex stayed away at familys house to give them space but said nothing until I had to tug info out of him. She was there the whole weekend but she did go out one night. I later checked his phone to find that he had left some porn he had downloaded on his phone, phone stated the time and date it was downloaded which was when he was over seeing his son on the night she had gone out.

Trust, not sure. Doesn't sound like he still has feelings for his ex from what you've said. However, what I would say is that a) the porn would be a deal-breaker for me and b) he and his ex are acting really unfairly to his DS. If the lad wants his parents to get back together, it is really cruel to have "family" weekends, thus getting his hopes up, and then expect him to accept that they've split up permanently and that you're his stepmum.

I feel that the arrangement they have is not letting their son move on, giving him false hope. Normally she would be away most of the weekend, but of, I don't know this for sure. DS still gets very upset about his parents separation. When I asked did you have meals together for example he said they did. I just feel this must confuse the DS. I find he really hard to deal with now knowing that this arrangement is probably going to be the norm, if not already was. When DS is over here staying with his dad he has to sleep with him even though he is 9yrs and also sleeps with mam when back home. Ex left him but not sure why, my BF says no reason given. My BF adores his DS and would do anything for him, but to the point where he lets him get away with emotional blackmail and other such stuff.

Im not totally comfortable with porn in general, but hate the fact of it being used at the time and place it was!!

DS says he will have nightmares if he is not allowed to sleep in parents bed and will cry until he gets his own way.

This is going to go no-where! He's not carving out a new part of his life with you in it, and his DS being allowed to call the shots in your (love) lives!

That's not on.

The last thing you want in your life (or that of your DC) is a man that can't effectively parent. It's not fair on you (it will cause conflict with your dc)

Hissy thats how im feeling. But wonder if im being to hard on him. I said I would give us more time a year ago to see if things improve but feel they are actually getting worse. I dont see a happy ending to this. I understand he has to put his DS first, but that he lets his DS control our love life is what I can't handle.

My exbf situation was slightly similar. The ds wet the bed, would try and call the shots wherever and whenever and my ex pandered.

It ended up affecting my ds, and tbh, I suspect strongly that his ds did it on purpose.

When I ended the relationship, after a few weeks, saw them again and it was a typical unmitigated disaster, all orchestrated by his ds, and enabled by him. He (they) ruined the event for me. I was livid. I never spoke to exbf again. I apologised to my ds.

How old is DS?

My DC are very easy going, too much, but its me that finds the double standards difficult. I check my DC but because of BF guilt of not living near his DS he lets him get away with loads. I feel this is so unfair on mine.

My DC are 9ys and 5yrs and both have accepted my divorce from their dad and love my BF, they sleep in their own beds. BF DS is also 9yrs.

Trust me, you not being harsh enough. They are ruining their son by facilitating this set up, this emotional blackmail.

With my ex, it became blindingly obvious after the awful outing, and from events I saw in other situations after, that this poor kids parents wanted to keep him as a 'baby' to satisfy some needy aspect/victim/martyr complex they both have.

The only ones who lose in all this would be the poor boy, you and your dc.

I remember feeling really angry at exbf and his exw, that poor boy will be hated/bullied at school, but rather than insist on doing everything to help him, they'll wallow and woe is me to it all. Seeing how they both fail him while have the whole 'aren't I superparent?' thing going on, made me really cross and sad.

Hissy, how long were you together for? did your exb explain why he would let his DS call the shots? Apart from that was everything else good in the relationship?

Do yourself a favour, and a bigger one for your kids, end it.

You deserve better than this. If this guy can't/won't stand up for you/his private life now, then when?

That's not a man.

Its all about what BFs DS wants to do, where to go, what to play, etc. Me and my DC go along with it. Ive noticed how DS speaks to my DC and I don't like it. If mine were rude or nasty to another child they would be told to stop and apologise and if it kept happening they would be consequences, privlages taken away, but DS gets off.

I was with him a year. We split because he said he didn't see a future for us.

Out of literally nowhere.

He gave the impression he was all for the ds to grow, be strong and all that, but I swear to god, the child was acting exactly as a 3/4 year old. Half his actual age.

My ds doesn't see his dad (different countries) and his ds would go overboard to get in the way between his dad and my ds, and me for that matter. In the end my confident ds was made to feel like he was missing out by 'not having a dad' something about it all was really shit. Both me and ds were on the wrong end of really quite nasty behaviour too towards the end.

Ending that relationship hurt like hell, I really didn't want to have to end it (but I see that as part of the martyr thing now too, as I dumped him) but a wee while after I could see it for what it really was, and i'm super glad they're not in my life or ds's. They are not healthy people to be around.

Neither are these 3 people.

Christ, the dynamic's exactly the same!

Run like the fucking wind love! This is hurting your dc and it will only get worse.

The closer you get to his dad, the more he'll ramp this up.

And they'll let him too.

I always facilitate BF and his DS having time together alone with me and my DC, so that at least half the holidays they spend it together, but this is still not good enough for DS, so upset that he claims to his mam that he does not get much alone time with dad when hes over here. Which is so not true.

That kid's playing you all. You can't win.

seriously.

I spent xmas night in bed alone while BF stayed in single bed with his DS cos he would not go to sleep without him. Then same happened new year, except I let them have the double while I slept on sofa. MY BF keeps saying he will deal with it, but then his ex doesnt seen to want to sort it

My BF doesnt accept that his DS is playing us, even though I keep pointing stuff out, hes blind to it.

Until your Boyf stands up for himself, puts his life first and stops the ds from calling the shots (which I doubt he'll ever do) you have no chance of any of this ever changing.

If you push this, you'll be vilified by him, his ds and the ex too.

If you wait for him to do something, he won't. Only if HE wants to, if he wants something to change.

I suspect a similar martyrdom situation. He's getting some return from allowing his ds to do all this. Could be guilt, but my instincts tell me it's more than that.

Either way, you didn't cause this, you can't change it.

Apart from it being guilt, what else could it be?

I stopped sleepovers completely as his ds disturbed the whole house, all night, every time. Weekends were more tiring and stressful as a result than the weeks.

Little did I know, this was playing into the ds hands. :(

How sad that your christmas night was spent alone. He's a narcissist in the making. Trust me.

You can't have any form of healthy relationship with a narc in the mix.

My DC were sleeping at their dads and these two nights. when mine are at home ds will sleep with them, think its cos he doesnt want my DC to think hes a baby.