Have I got valid reasons not to trust my boyfriend??

[Christie12]

I must explain that I have been divorced due to my EH being unfaithful, so I have some issues trusting my judgement and men!!
I am now in a great relationship apart from a few problems, such as:
my BFs DS from his current marriage (not divorced but separated for 3yrs now) still wants his parents to get back together, can't accept his dad has a girlfriend (me) even after 2yrs together he still wants to spend all his time with dad and not spend time together with me and my DSs. Other issue is that my BFs Ex now lives miles away back where she is originally from so my BF has to stay once a month at her house to see his DS, spending time together the 3 of them. This was made worse recently when normally he would talk about the weekend arrangements, such as his ex stayed away at familys house to give them space but said nothing until I had to tug info out of him. She was there the whole weekend but she did go out one night. I later checked his phone to find that he had left some porn he had downloaded on his phone, phone stated the time and date it was downloaded which was when he was over seeing his son on the night she had gone out.

IMHO, he (bf) needs to be liked, to be seen as a 'good parent'. This could be due to his parents being neglectful/bad/indifferent/domineering or the ex having some kinds of set of issues herself.

In my case, my exbf had to be the one people felt 'sorry' for, thought he was a trooper, a saint for putting up with his ex, and then the poor vulnerable boy. My exbf did no more as a parent than any one of us, but being a bloke, was often thought of as 'marvellous'

That was to the outside though. Looking at it now, the way his ds lived with him, the way his belongings/clothes/etc were treated left a lot to be desired, but all these were out of sight of the general public.

Look deeply, your Boyf gets, emotional feed from being so (ridiculously) needed. He needs to be told he's a 'wonderful parent', so obliging, with all that he has to contend with for the sake of ds.

There is no space for you in that relationship. It will get worse the longer this goes on. The christmas eve thing is surely an escalation. It's targeting a 'special' night for maximum effect.

See? If it was genuine fear/anxiety, it wouldn't make a difference if your dc were there necessarily.

Christie, i feel for you. This is a difficult situation, especially as it has been going on for a year and shows no sign of improving.

I've experienced similar - my DP has a DS (i've sadly got no dc) who is adored by both parents, to the extent that DS refers to himself as Emperor. And when i forst started dating DP his DS wouldn't go to sleep unless his dad was in his bed (at this point e DS was 10yrs). s DP will allways put DS first in any/all situations, and i've been told on several occassions that if i want to be with DP i have to fit my life aroundd DP, his son and the dog!

My ds is all I have in the world. He has been my absolute rock. He was my security blanket in so many ways, helped me overcome my agoraphobia, and helps me grow strong every day. Nothing and no-one comes before him.

Except me. Sometimes.

I have a life, I have adult responsibility, I have dabbled in dating since, I go to therapy, for this I pay sitters.

DS knows how much I love him, but he knows that sometimes i'm me, and not just mummy.

There isn't anything wrong in showing our dc that they don't always come first every single time. They will however never be placed in a situation that hurts them and we stand idly by.

What your BF is teaching his son is so wrong on every level. But it suits all of them somehow.

Sorry on phone.

There has also been an issue of porn use.

Iy was a complex relationship, with a number of other pressures which made added to our problems.

After much soul searching i realised for my own sanity i had to have sone distance from him and although it broke my heart to do it i did walk away from the relationship but we didn't end it. It was more like taking a sabatical and then seeing where things go. But i am now in a much better stronger frame of mind, have my own home, financially secure, having counseliing, talking to people in rl about my feelings rather than bottling them up. I don't kbow what will happen with DP he may already be seeing someobe else, if he is i know i can now face that and not fall into a thousand tiny pieces.

What i'm trying to say in a nutshell is, when it gets to the point when you can take it no more, the only thing you can do is take the plunge and walk away.

Thanks for all the advice. Its actually been 2yrs now, after 1st year I evaluated the relationship and told BF my worries and thought he would work on trying to reassure his DS that his parents would not get back together and he is very much with me but that nothing would change between them. He is so loved, gets so much attention but is treated more like an equal as an adult, making decisions.

One night when my DC were at their dads, my BF asked his DS if It would be ok for me to join them for tea that night, only to be told no, it wasnt by the DS! My BF just accepted what he said and got in the car and drove home. I was so annoyed and hurt.

I told my BF a week ago that things had not improved and I could not see this going any further. I wanted it to work so much. I told him that I had to walk away now and after talking for while he left. Ive not told my DC yet, they have asked where is he.

Scottish pies, what did your BF say about his porn use?

I wonder if if my problem about the porn? my BF said he was a bit bored as DS was playing on computer at the time he looked at the porn and had nothing to do with him being at his exw home, but im not so sure.

The other concern i have is that DS writes his dad songs saying how he could not live without him, his life is so dark without him, they they are a team which can never be broken. The tone and words use just seem so strange for a 9yr old to use.

Some children can become emotionally manipulative and possessive as a response to stress - real or imagined. If they're surrounded by indulgent adults anyway they get better at it, find it gets them what they want, and it becomes second nature. If anyone wonders how emotionally abusive adults start their careers, I'd suggest this kind of relationship is often the spark.

You asked about 'valid reasons' not to trust. Trust is a gut feeling, not something that you have to validate like evidence in a court-room. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable you have to articulate it. If it still makes you feel unhappy, go with your judgement rather than asking if it's OK to feel a particular way.

the song writing is difficult to undetstamd. Is his DS depressed because of all the confusion around his parents relationship? This is a horrible thing to think but cud his exp (DS mum)r be manipulating her DS to get at his dad?

Sorry, have to dash out now and not back until this evening. Take care of you today. x

DS has all the power/influence in the relationship...... And the boundaries with your BF staying overnight with them 'as a family' are wrong, wrong, wrong! The DS needs closure and help moving on and your BF needs to parent with strength and love, not guilt.

Then there's you, I too am pushed out of my BF's DC lives. It's horrible, I really feel for you. Hugs.

Thanks everyone on here for the good advice/support, it really helps to talk things over with others who have/are in similar situation. My friends and family are great but no one close to me has any experience of this.

Shey02, how do cope in a relationship where you feel pushed out? It is horrible, thanks for the hugs.

Cog and Hissy, thanks for the brilliant insight and advice.

The other thing that bothers me is that after 3years of being separated they still haven't started divorce or even talk about it. My BF claims that because they split the house etc 50 50 when they separated and now my BF has bought his own house and she has bought her own house, someone told him that his ex could still get half of what hes got now if they divorced. So he wants to finish doing his house up first before he starts divorce so that the equity from prev marital home is used on his new home improvements. Is this correct? can she claim half again even though they done the 50 50 stuff 3yrs ago??

Scottishpies I have also wondered the same put slapped my wrist for even thinking it. He was writing this kind of stuff at age 7yrs, although DS is very intelligent like his parents I have always thought this odd. I think she has a lot to do with how DS behaves but BF needs to sort it. BF states that its v hard to sort when he is not there to parent. BF phones DS every day. I think DS gets his behaviour from his mam as BF doesn't seem to display same behaviour. My BF gets upset that he is not a bigger part of his DS life as his Ex moved soo many miles away. BF claims that his ex holds all the cards and he has to be careful not to upset her as she could make access hard, by not letting him stay at house, etc.

If he spent just half an hour with a solicitor, he'd find out all he needed to know about division of marital assets. If he's not prepared to even find out the score, his objections sound like a way to kick the can a bit further down the road

Ive thought hes just been stalling for a long time now. Part of me thinks yeah ok she may be a right nightmare and he can't handle that yet but the other part says, man up, grow some balls and sort the divorce. Surely if she is a good mam to ds she will not make access harder as this would not be doing ds any good.

Even if he doesn't 'sort the divorce' there is nothing stopping him from getting accurate information.

True. I did suggest that he should at least check this out, speak to sol, but ive never pushed it. My gut feelings are saying I am right to have walked away from this relationship but still have some doubts which are fading now the more I talk on here.

Have you actually walked away then? Sorry that wasn't clear. I hope you have, and that you continue to see that terrible dynamic at play there.

Give thanks to god your dc won't have exposure to that narcissism development programme. It'd screw them up for life, and damage the relationship you have with them if - heaven forbid - you some how sold enough of your soul to expect so little and ended up with him.

Trust me, you'd be destroyed.

Maybe she left him because she was edged out by him, and hence the seeming reluctance to leave them alone together.

I think you've it the nail on the head Hissy. I think she was so pushed out .

Just to clarify I ended the relationship a week ago and im not back with him. He sent me a text a few days later, asking how I was and could we talk. I replied and said that I was ok, kind of, you know and that I would text him when I was ready to talk. Ive not get back in touch with him as its been 5 days since. Not sure if best to talk to him or not. Not sure what it would change tbh. I am a little curious as to what he wants to say though. I do still have to see him as we need to sort stuff out, ive got things at his house and hes got things as mine. We also have each others keys.

Please don't talk to him. Just swap the stuff over (3rd party/drop off if poss) and keep moving.

Well done for Ending it. I know how hard that was.

Give it time, you'll be doing loop the loops that you and your dc are out of it all.

There isn't anything you could have done here. He's bad news.

I wouldn't talk to him yet, nothing will have significantly changed. His perspective will probably be the same, I've heard 30 days no contact is the minimum if you wish to hear some sense from him after some reflection!

OP, feeling pushed out is tragic, it undermines your self-worth, self confidence and where I once was confident, happy and felt on top of the world with my man... I now feel lost, unappreciated, unloved really. Being a Dad's girlfriend or wife should not be a competition with the dc, but because of the way my dp parents, sadly it is becoming so and I am onto a losing streak because my dp parents with guilt, kids who wouldn't give a $%*$ if they never saw me again.

It's like have two relationships, two different boyfriends and the constant adjusting so as not to put pressure on anyone and also to protect my feelings is exhausting. I am going through a hard time at the moment, with conflicting feelings as to whether or not it will ever change. I have read all the books, read all the forums, my dp chooses not to, thinks he's a great dad and takes no guidance from anyone. I envy you for your ability/opportunity now for a fresh start. :)

Hi Shey, If you are not happy in your relationship, you must be kind and true to yourself to walk away. I have talked these issues over and over with my exb and like yours thinks he is right in how he treats his DS and me. Neither one of us is happy and so Im moving on, its not easy but Ive been on my own before in much hard circumstances so I know I will be fine, its getting over the initial pain which will subside. Ive come to realise that I don't have to settle for this and even if there isn't something better out there for me then thats fine, but I'm not going to settle for this life, not for me and certainly not for my DC.
Be Kind to yourself!

Hi Hissy, I've still not been in touch with my exb as I feel nothing will change, so I've not rush to meet up. I do want to face him again to prove that no matter what Im fine and he does not influence me, I decide regardless of what he feels, what he says, I don't want or need him now.