Mediation with exP / DC other parent after assault

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Posted in Chat the other day, someone suggested posting in relationships. (Link to original thread here) First post copied from there.

I am a long term poster with NC, if you spot who I am, please don't out me, as I know he is following my movements online.

Long story short - separated DC's dad a couple of years ago. Only really beginning to see how abusive and controlling he was at times. He assaulted me on a few occasions, latest occasion being in the Autumn. This was the first time the police were involved, and he has accepted the caution he was offered.

Because DC was in the house at the time (asleep but in the house), SS are involved. They have been very nice, and have said (in writing) that contact is to be supervised at the moment. This is currently being done by a family member, mostly so as not to make DC feel uncomfortable.

ExP isn't happy with this arrangement, has cancelled various times (not unusual for him) at short notice, and has now got a solicitor involved as he considers it to be unfair access. Mediation has been suggested by the solicitors in an attempt to avoid going to family court.

I spoke to the mediator this morning, as was told that I wouldn't be able to talk anyone with me or have a separate meeting with her before dealing with him as well. I'll be honest, I'm frightened of his temper. He's already admitted that his temper is unpredictable when under emotional strain, which obviously it would be in this appointment, especially as she said to me that she thinks it would be beneficial for me to explain to him how the assault has made me feel - something I'm not keen to do, as frankly I think he would get off on the fact he's made me feel intimidated. I also don't drive, so would be at the nearby bus stop for however it took afterwards, and even though she said what she could offer would be staggered arrival and departure times, I don't feel safe. I know in the past he has carried a flip knife in his bag, and whilst it might sound paranoid, I don't trust him.

I understand the benefits of mediation, and would like to avoid court if possible, but is this a situation in which it could work? I really am a bit torn over whether to do this or not, and I don't know how much is logical concern, and how much is related to my anxiety. The idea of having to be in a room with him right now is not a nice one (am shaking whilst typing this). But ultimately I want what is best for DC.

Any experiences / opinions much appreciated.

(I suppose that wasn't so short after all, was it?!)

i dont think your feelings should come into it in mediation if what you are discussing is arrangements for kids. is about the kids needs not how you feel....

should be factual. there was an assault therefore contact needs to be safe so wil be supervised for now.that is non negotiable.

let mediator deal with his anger.

mediator is going down wrong route i think. what kind of mediator is this? what are her qualifications?

and if you bring feelings into a therapy type setting then what you find is no judgement but things like "i see you feel strongly about that, now what do you think"" etc.

if ss have said in writing - supervised then that is non negoatiable .
if he wants to be angry about that he needs another forum. or venue to elt out his anger. you dont need to be involved

what are you mediating? which days when contact will happen?

If it is SS's insistence that contact is supervised, is there any point in going to mediation given that it's not yours or his decision?

Surely you and he can't discuss without knowing what SS will agree to. Or is he really angling for an afternoon in a contact centre?

No no no no to mediation with an abusive man. Have you spoken to Womens Aid ? Make contact with them and get advice.

You also need to have a solicitor who is really experienced with DV . Try and get a personal recommendation. Are Ss from a DV specific team ?

Mediator arranged via his solicitors to try and resolve things without court. ExP is arguing for unsupervised and overnight contact to be reinstated immediately.

Contact currently being supervised by a family member to avoid contact center for all parties. He has been aggressive - via text message - to the family member, but has been reminded that he does not have to be allowed onto the property, and things with otherwise have to be done at a contact center. ExP would kick up a shit storm about this.

SS currently just duty team as they are happy with how I am handling things, and the safe guarding procedures I've put in place for DC.

Do you have your own solicitor? If not, you need one as this is just another way of abusing you.

Remember his solicitor works for him, not you and not your DCs, and is not the law. You don't have to go to a mediator you don't like, just because his solicitor has suggested it.

Have you contacted SS? The whole of this mediation seems to be a waste of time if he is trying to get something SS will never agree to anyway.

Has your case already been to court to get a court order regarding supervised contact? Are your DCs subject to child protection plan on the basis of your violent ex? I really don't see what mediation has to do with it - if your ex wants to over-rule social care's recommendation, it's the judge he has to persuade, not you (via a mediator) - surely if you 'agree' then social care will be down on you like a ton of bricks won't they, for failing to protect your DC?

No, we haven't been to court. ExP threatening to take me to court if he doesn't get the access he wants. Not under a child protection plan, just safe guarding at the moment.

Walkacross, that's exactly it - I'm just doing as I'm told, or I would be considered to be putting DC at risk. He seems to have forgotten this, and both he and his family have told me I'm making a huge deal out of nothing, and am depriving DC of a father.

I don't have a solicitor yet. I'm on a low income, and have never had a solicitor before, so have no idea where to start.

Do not go to mediation with an abusive man, there's no legal imperative to do so. As others have said, talk to WA.

As regards a solicitor, you may qualify for legal aid. I believe you need evidence of abuse, which you have, WA will be able to give you more information & you can ask on the legal forum here.

The threat to take you to court is simply an attempt to intimidate & manoeuvre you. In reality he would have to convince a judge that SS was wrong & he's a lovely human being.

Ignore his family, they're just minimising his abuse. If necessary, cut contact with them to protect yourself.

Legal Aid may be available to you for a solicitor if you are on a low income and Domestic violence was involved - as you have police involvement/your ex accepted a caution, this should be enough evidence. Generally speaking I don't think mediation is recommended where there has been DV.

I'd pull out of mediation.
I'm not surprised mediation was suggested by his solicitors.
As for your relative and any threatening messages, I'd report them to the police.

If he is in any way nasty, I'd go contact centre without a second thought.

Whatever he says about your DS, he's the one who assaulted you, who didn't keep contact, and keeps up being violent and nasty. He's responsible for any lack of contact.

And I'd ask for legal aid, yes.

Btw If you're not happy with supervised contact at a relative's (is it one of his?) you don't have to agree to it. In the circumstances, personally I would choose a contact centre.

I was worried I would be seen as uncooperative by authorities if I didn't agree to mediation.

I told the mediator I would think about it and get back to her, so all of this information is much appreciated.

One of my relatives. I'm happy with the arrangement from that side of things. It being supervised by a family or friend from my side of things was what was recommended by SS.

Womens Aid will be able to give you pointers for decent pro women/children solicitors and you havd documented evidence of DV so have a good chance of qualifying for legal aid. Keep all texts/emails etc which he sends.

Keeping all texts, both to me and the relative.

I didn't know if I could call WA. I called a local line once after the assault, but felt like a bit of a fraud, and never called them back. I didn't want to take up a phone line if there were women in serious trouble who needed to talk.

Please do call Women's Aid. They are interested in anyone who has been abused, you don't have to be half dead in a ditch to be 'worthy'. Your Ex is clearly now just using legal process to further his abuse of you.

You are likely to be eligible for legal aid, Women's Aid is there to support you, your Ex is just making threats because when you had no support, he always got his own way by terrorising you.

You are absolutely not a fraud, you are precisely who WA was set up to help. You need definitely need their help here.

As long as you're co-operating with the authorities, the mediation is irrelevant. SS need to make sure the children are safe. They have set out what they believe is appropriate contact. What your ex's solicitor wants you to do, who is being paid to act in his interest, may not be in the interest of the children's safety.

If you are at all concerned, then call SS, and tell them concerns about this mediation: a) you do not feel safe b) your ex sometimes carries a knife, & c) your solicitor has asked to do something inappropriate in a dv situation, which is tell the perpetrator how it made you feel. Ask them for their advice.

Whether or not you go to Mediation, absolutely DO NOT use this particular mediator. They sound totally untrained in dv.

My ex was abusive and hit the children. He requested mediation to get contact. When I spoke to the mediator and told her the dv history (which ex had 'forgotten' to mention, I was just 'being difficult about contact'), their dv arrangements were put in place immediately. This meant I met her alone for 2hours to identify the issues and work out if I wanted to do mediation at all, and if so, how their safety plan would work. They then interviewed him once they had full possession of the facts. They then set up our session which had two mediators present, one male, and insisted he arrived before me and kept him after I had left 'doing paperwork'.

I only went once. It was an ordeal. The two of them spent 98% of the time restraining his severe emotional abuse (poor me, I've nowhere to live, she's got no right to do this to me, you've got no right to tell me I can't see my kids when I want, it's not fair etc etc) as I was white and shaking the other side of the room. I left, went to a solicitor and said I can't do that again, the mediators concurred that mediation with him was abusive and utterly pointless, and he took me to court, and has ended up with no contact through 4 court dates.

My point is, you cannot trust this mediator. IF you go ahead, you need a more trained set-up to keep you safe. And my ex had NEVER hit ME. I would go nowhere near a random meeting with a facilitator who has met neither you nor your ex.

You can legally refuse mediation if there has been any DV. I would advise doing so. This is just his way of continuing his abuse of you. If SS have invoked safeguarding procedures, he will not get anything more than supervised access in a Contact Centre if he went to court. Do not let him intimidate you into anything else. The majority of Mediators are not trained well enough to deal with DV and EA.

If he goes to court he's first has to prove to the judge that SS have made the wrong call. With an official police caution to his name for DV that's not gonna happen. He hasn't got a case, and is bullying you.

If SS are happy then don't risk mediation. It's perfectly OK to inform SS that he has requested mediation as a first step towards acquiring unsupervised access/contact.

Legally you do not have to attend mediation as a DV victim.

Family courts side with the "professionals" over parents, so if you have an arrangement that SS approve of today in place you are 99% of the way to getting a judge to just rubber stamp it. He's at risk of ending up with LESS control than he has now.

He's not employed a solicitor with much understanding of family or child safeguarding law tbh.

"Mediator arranged via his solicitors to try and resolve things without court. ExP is arguing for unsupervised and overnight contact to be reinstated immediately".

Well he would, he is doing that to intimidate you.

This below is precisely why women must never enter into mediation with an abuser; he is still abusive and is still using power and control against you. This is being done by him to punish you further for leaving him.

"To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behaviour, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices"

You need to speak to Womens Aid and asap. Also you need decent legal advice. You are not a fraud to be calling WA!!!. Call them!!.

Do not enter mediation with this person under any circumstances. I cannot emphasise that point enough. You are not free to participate in this.

Your Ex P is a class one shit who wants to use mediation as another stick to beat you with. This is not and never has been done with the child in mind. He cares only for himself and wants to punish you, this is basically another way of doing it.

Thank you, everyone. I called the number on the WA website today, and the person I spoke to has also discouraged me from mediation, along with the numbers of some solicitors locally who are experienced with DV.

I guess I'm still trying to get my head around accepting that I have been the victim of domestic violence. But then I suppose that's all part of it, isn't it? Brain washing you into thinking this behaviour is acceptable. The first time he assaulted me (same kind of assault, holding me by the throat) was at his parent's house, and they certainly managing to persuade me it wasn't a big deal, to the extent that I didn't tell anyone personally until after the second assault. Am having to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing, and rise above what they're saying. It's hard though.

Thank you again. I'll speak to the solicitors at the beginning of the week, then go from there.