Mediation with exP / DC other parent after assault

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Posted in Chat the other day, someone suggested posting in relationships. (Link to original thread here) First post copied from there.

I am a long term poster with NC, if you spot who I am, please don't out me, as I know he is following my movements online.

Long story short - separated DC's dad a couple of years ago. Only really beginning to see how abusive and controlling he was at times. He assaulted me on a few occasions, latest occasion being in the Autumn. This was the first time the police were involved, and he has accepted the caution he was offered.

Because DC was in the house at the time (asleep but in the house), SS are involved. They have been very nice, and have said (in writing) that contact is to be supervised at the moment. This is currently being done by a family member, mostly so as not to make DC feel uncomfortable.

ExP isn't happy with this arrangement, has cancelled various times (not unusual for him) at short notice, and has now got a solicitor involved as he considers it to be unfair access. Mediation has been suggested by the solicitors in an attempt to avoid going to family court.

I spoke to the mediator this morning, as was told that I wouldn't be able to talk anyone with me or have a separate meeting with her before dealing with him as well. I'll be honest, I'm frightened of his temper. He's already admitted that his temper is unpredictable when under emotional strain, which obviously it would be in this appointment, especially as she said to me that she thinks it would be beneficial for me to explain to him how the assault has made me feel - something I'm not keen to do, as frankly I think he would get off on the fact he's made me feel intimidated. I also don't drive, so would be at the nearby bus stop for however it took afterwards, and even though she said what she could offer would be staggered arrival and departure times, I don't feel safe. I know in the past he has carried a flip knife in his bag, and whilst it might sound paranoid, I don't trust him.

I understand the benefits of mediation, and would like to avoid court if possible, but is this a situation in which it could work? I really am a bit torn over whether to do this or not, and I don't know how much is logical concern, and how much is related to my anxiety. The idea of having to be in a room with him right now is not a nice one (am shaking whilst typing this). But ultimately I want what is best for DC.

Any experiences / opinions much appreciated.

(I suppose that wasn't so short after all, was it?!)

I trained as a civil and a family mediator.

There was lots of guff in training about how great mediation was and how absolutely every case could benefit from it.

I have serious doubts about that.

Maybe my trainers would have felt confident and capable enough to mediate between and abuser and victim of that abuse but my own strongly held view is that I would never be prepared to mediate in those circumstances unless the abuser had made full acknowledgement of what he or she had done, had genuine insight and was motivated to change.

And even then I would have my doubts.

I think suggesting mediation in your circumstances is a corruption of the process.

Mediation is unequivocally unsuitable where there has been da. I didn't know this until the mediation company refused to see me and xp because of da and because I was still terrified of him. We did go later after 3 years when I was no longer afraid and it did work but just now you are absolutely unsuitable and I can't imagine what the mediation company are doing!

attila I've pm' d you, you've just described my experience exactly

voldy don't go. You'll get nothing from it but more abuse and problems

Really good advice on here and from WA. It's hard to remember what's happened, as you want to put it behind you and stop it having a big impact on you, but just for these kind of decisions, really try and keep it in the forefront of your mind.

Please don't do mediation with this man. He can't get what he wants anyway, and he ll use the opportunity to be abusive towards you again. Nothing good can come out of this, so don't enter into it.

Oh and also, the mediator sounds unprofessional and partisan from the off.

Ive worked for the mediation service. You absolutely do not have to attempt mediation with an abusive ex-partner. Frankly surprised at the mediator you spoke to for not flagging up your situation as unsuitable for mediation.

I'm kind of relieved both the MN collective and WA have said it's not a good idea. I kept running scenarios over in my mind, and nothing was ending well.

Remember that this man has no legal power over you at present. He can be made to fuck off and leave you alone - even if he is awarded supervised access to DC (given SS involvement and record of violence, it won't be a problem to get supervised access only enforced by law.) he has no legal right to any contact at all with you.
There is no court order at present regarding contact? And he has been abusive to the family member supervising it? Stop contact and let him know that he can take you to court if he wants to. Once he sees that you are no longer available to be abused by him, he may well fuck off altogether - a lot of abuswive men lsoe interest in their DC when they are prevented from using contact to harass DC's mother.

He hasn't contacted me directly since the beginning of December, when he text me saying "Am I seeing DC this weekend?", to which I replied, "That's not down to me to sort out." - he's been leaving arrangements until last minute, often asking the day before / that morning if he can see DC. Family member has told him several times this is unacceptable. So I haven't spoken with him.

When I received the letter from his solicitors, it included saying that he did not feel access at the family memeber's home was acceptable, as it was a hostile environment - despite having sent texts to family member thanking them for making him feel welcome etc - so family member contacted him saying that they were disappointed he felt this way, and based on this, they presumed they would not be seeing him this weekend. ExP kicked off, calling numerous times, sending texts including "I just want what's mine", "You can't keep my child away from me", "Why do none of you understand" etc. Part of me would feel more comfortable if contact was done at a center, but I don't know whether my concerns are realistic. I'm also concerned about making DC feel uncomfortable, and it being viewed by exP / his family / legal team that it's being done out of spite.

I'm pretty sure when they find out that I'm not going to go through with mediation there will be an uproar.

Who cares what they think? You are answerable only to yourself, DC and the law.

When your X is an abuser, some element of being viewed as the evil bitch who is denying him contact with his child is part of the inevitable fallout I'm afraid. Comes with the territory. It's a good idea to learn how to let other people's opinions slide off you. As long as your conscience is clear on doing the right thing for DC, everything else is an irrelevance. Those who know and love you will know the truth. The legal system will, unfortunately, be less likely to believe you, but that's why it is vital to record each and every incidence with your X.

Your X committed his solicitor to getting stroppy with contact at your family's. Do they have the texts showing he thanked them? I hope you've kept the texts as well. Combined they are clear evidence that your X is trying to manipulate circumstances.

You have every right to insist on supervised contact at a contact centre. If your DV is documented and SS have been involved, you will almost certainly get it. Be warned that it is highly likely that it will be awarded for a finite period only, and that if no incident takes place in that time frame it will progress to unsupervised contact and overnights, but you may well find that the initial award of supervised contact only is enough for your X to back off. He wouldn't be the first abuser to fight tooth and nail for contact only to not bother with it if it's not on his terms (i.e. making it clear that you and DC are his possessions to do with as he sees fit).

I can't promise this will all work out. But the odds stay more in your favour the more you fight it. Good luck.

You're right. I'm probably still accepting what has happened and struggling with being seen as the bad person, whilst trying to accept it all.

Texts to family member have all been kept, along with the letter from exP's mother to my own (to point out at this point, exP is nearly 40. Not a child.) trying to get her to persuade me to stop making a fuss over nothing. We're keeping everything.