Im always fine until I move in with a man

[feltpaperchains]

So have just moved in with DP, we always knew that domestically it would be challenging as Im quite tidy organised etc and he is a hauder/undonesticated.
But we love each other and he has made a huge effort and lots of changes since I moved in a few weeks ago.
The thing is he comes home from work most nights in a foul mood.
Today I put a load of laundry on before I went to work and left him a note asking him to hang that load up and put the load by the machine in that way it would all be done by tomorrow.
He met me at a friends house this evening in a really bad mood because I hafn't left another basket out fot him to carry the wet stuff upstairs.
I said so youre in another strop and he said yeah/ didnt kuss me to say hello and generally ignored me then said he was sorry.
The sorrys are already wearing thin as he bursts my bubble nearly daily now I live eith him.
I had domestic problems such as this eith my last dp and it ended the relationship.
How do people manage to get through these annoying situations without falling out of love?
Thanks in advance. (sorry bad spelling am on iphone)

You hadn't left out a basket for the wet washing and he acted like an arse. He does this 'foul mood' business on a daily basis and you're calling it an 'annoying situation'? What you're describing is not an annoying domestic problem, it's really horrible behaviour and rather than trying to stay 'in love' you should move out as fast as you moved in.

Do you mind my asking how old you both are?

Don't "fall in love" with someone who is "undomesticated"?

Not very helpful really but undomesticated is a euphemism for inconsiderate and/or lazy.

What domestic set up was he living in before ? It doesn't sound right that he is so moody. I wonder should you do seperate washes as it sounds like you are taking on a motherly role to him (absolutely not trying to be disrespectful) and he needs to buck himself up.

Oh, he sounds like hard work OP. Does he really need you to micro-manage the transportation of the wet laundry upstairs? Can he not use his ingenuity to sort that out for himself?

I'll have to agree. Why don't you start packing my bags now.

And select a domesticated man next time.

It's not you, it's him.

Why do you think you're not worth someone better than this?

He's no right to be grumpy with you at all!

You've made a mistake, move out, dump him and move on.

I'm always fine until I move in with a man

You need to read that back. You know the answer deep down, you are just ignoring it. You are fine. You are not the problem. Its the men you are choosing to live with.

Do you really want to live with someone who comes home most nights in a bad mood?

You are fine OP. Please don't put up with this nonsense - it can only get worse.

He 'always comes home in a mood'. How horrible for you. End this now, he obviously is not willing to commit to the relationship.

He sounds like an idiot. You deserve better by the sounds of it.

It's not worth sticking with it, OP. If you're already fighting everyday this soon, it won't get any better, just worse.

He's throwing a strop in the hope that you'll get fed up and just do it all yourself. That way, you'll do it all to avoid his "moods" and he'll get to sit around and do nothing. He's not "undomesticated", he's just lazy and can't be bothered. Why do you want to put up with someone like that? He should be treating you as his partner, not his mother or maid.

Yes maybe he should just do his own washing, he wouldn't naturally have a meal every night so i do that as I would and he has washed up every night since I moved in which is inlike him because when he lived alone he would use everything in the house before he did it.
I got to the root of why he was annoyed, he had a plastic washing basket which I had taken to the tip because our house is small I just chose the newer one to keep
He said he feels like everytime he comes home I've moved something/ put something somewhere he doesn't want it.
I told him I feel like he is training me not to ask hom to do stuff around thr house by getting angry each time.
Im gutted, we are engaged and nit only that, had the brst argument free rl before I moved in , now I don't know who I am anymore, feel unhappy, trapped and misunderstood.
He said he doesn't understand why I would hoover the stairs/clean the bathroom and if tvats the standard I like then i should just do it and not resent him for it.
I said it's both of our home and we need a shared vision of how we want to live.
How do you share jobs out in your homes?
Thankyou

You both have different standards of living. You are imposing your standard on him ( not that this is wrong, I do the same with my DH!) and it's annoying him. My DH and I had similar arguments all the time in our first year of living together. I now do most of it because I understand that and dont want to lower my standard of living, but at the same time he will do anything I ask him to do. Your Dp is probably coming home from work in a bad mood because he doesn't enjoy his job, or because he is also having to acclimatise to sharing a place.

He doesn't see that you need to clean the bathroom!

I am a total slattern but that is disgusting! I think he's showing you his true colours now, move out while you still can!

Can you afford a cleaner between you? That's what we did as otherwise it was all falling to me. Having said that, my DH is also lazy and it doesn't get better. I have worn myself ragged doing the lion's share and am now seriously contemplating leaving him.
I have a thread on here called 'Advice on my marriage please' - read that and see if any of it resonates and think whether that might be you in 5 years time

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And you're engaged to him as well - honestly I would call off the engagement and move out. This is not going to improve at all and will infact get worse. This bloke you're with seems like yet another lazy and entitled manchild. He wants to remain a slob.

I would also suggest you start reading "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

You do not need a cleaner; you deserve a relationship with a man who is at heart not a lazy and entitled manchild.

You seem also to have again chosen a man who now turns out to be a lazy assed one; why is that?. Do you think that you can rescue and save such men from themselves?.

How other people share things out is not the issue. The pair of you have to find a way to work it out for yourselves. Right now all you're getting are bad moods, angry sulks and (paraphrasing) 'if the way I do things isn't good enough for you, do it your bloody self'

He isn't interested in compromise or a shared vision. It is not your home, it's his. He wants everything - including an old laundry basket - to stay exactly the same and for you to just fit yourself in around it. If you played the role you were recruited for... housekeeper... he'd be thrilled.

In our house I work a lot shorter days than dh so I do more housework but he still does a lot. I hoover, clean, cook (dh doesn't do bathrooms etc) but he sterilises all baby bottles, is always doing DIY, washes up most nights and cleans kitchen, changes bed linen and does the bins everyday.

That's the way it works best for us. To be honest there not that much housework as it is a small new build. The only thing is ironing. I can't stand clothes not being ironed and he wears shirts etc and he always says he will do his own but next thing I see him going down or breakfast in creased work clothes!!! Aghhhhh... So I just iron everything.

Well, I do more than DP because I work 20 hours a week and he works 45, so it makes sense that I work those extra hours in the home.

I vacuum twice a week, do the dishes most days (probably 4/5), feed the cats and change their trays, empty the bins and do the laundry. DP cooks every night and does all the DIY. He's currently putting up bookshelves for me and two weeks ago he did most of the painting when we redecorated.

Together/between us, we clean the bathroom/kitchen, change the bed and do the grocery shopping. We make sure it's all equal because we're a partnership. He earns more money and pays a larger share of the bills, so I do more of the domestic stuff. If I worked full-time and he was home more, we'd swap :)

OP: It won't get better.

How many men have you moved in with for it to go downhill?

This man is a pig. And you are quite right, he's training you to do everything by his spoilt, unpleasant behaviour.
I would suggest you were in love with the best side of him because you didn't know the worst/everyday side. Now you are living with him you have seen that side, and you want advice on how to stay in love with him? IMO you can't.

When I read your title my first thought was, how many men do you go around living with?!

And I would hate anybody writing me a note telling me to do a chore when I got home from work. That would really wind me up.

Having said that, you both obviously have different standards. Not to mention his bad moods. It doesn't sound like it is going to work out does it?

He is sulking because you chucked a tatty old plastic basket and asked him to do some washing?

You really want to marry this sulking manchild? Chuck him back in the sea and find someone else. Or spend the rest of your life walking around on egg shells and having the life sucked out of you. He is an emotionally abusive lazy shit who doesn't deserve your time.