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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband doesn't trust me

36 replies

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 13:10

My DH has started quizzing me about deleting the history on the computer. I do sometimes delete it because I don't want him to know everything I have looked up (not anything dodgy like porn!!)

I have NO intention of having an affair so he has no proof that that is what I am doing but he thinks I should tell him everything I have looked up.

I can understand him being a bit suspicious but as a) I have never had an affair or so much as looked at another man b) I haven't done anything anyway I feel he should take my word that nothing is going on, I just don't necessarily want him to know my every thought. But he won't and he is creeping around the house at night and investigating my computer usage.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I am beginning to feel that I can't stand it.

With hindsight perhaps I should not have deleted the history and just kept my worries to myself. It is so unlike him to be paranoid though - what should I do now?

OP posts:

fairyjay · 28/07/2006 13:12

Bit odd - do you have to delete everything? Can't you perhaps leave it to put his mind at rest?

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 13:13

I told him I will not delete anything again and he said in a patronising voice "oh that's the first step to admitting what you have done". But now he expects me to explain everything and I can't even remember it all.

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Molton · 28/07/2006 13:21

I'd say to him firmly. I have nothing to hide from you, I will always be honest with you (presumably) but you must respect my privacy and not read my emails / texts etc.

Suspicion can be a funny thing. Easy to get out of control and, if you are looking for something funny, you'll always end up finding something that could be misconstrued as suspicious.

I think the main thing is to talk to him about why he doesn't trust you. That's the problem you need to solve - this is just the symptom.

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 13:30

I have tried that. He says I have been deceptive by deleting the history which is why he doesn't trust me. I don't know what he looks up at work and I don't get worried about it. I could understand if he had found evidence of an affair but the not going to bed and creeping around is making me so uneasy.

OP posts:

yorkshirelass79 · 28/07/2006 13:36

Message withdrawn

Iklboo · 28/07/2006 13:41

Camm - I'd ask him to tell you what your birthdate is. When it's obvious you're not a child - bloody well tell him to stop treating you like one!
Tell him, if he must know you were looking up something for a surprise for him (whatever his fave is) for anniversary/birthday/xmas and now he's gone and spoiled it by being a paranoid jealous twunt.
This kind of thing can escalate very quickly into something nasty - try and sort it out as soon as you can.

Or clap his knackers between two hardback copies of Harry Potter books when he's asleep - works for me!!! (not trying to be facetious, just trying to make you smile)

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 14:08

Thank you for advice. I wondered whether he is feeling bad about something because he is behaving most out of character.

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Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 14:08

BTW I'm a regular poster but for obvious reasons can't use usual chat name

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Mascaraohara · 28/07/2006 14:11

ermmm why the bloody hell is he checking your computer history in the first place!

How long have you been married? Sounds like controlling behaviour imho

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 14:12

Married for 4 years.

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Mascaraohara · 28/07/2006 14:13

and is the checking your computer usage a new thing?

edam · 28/07/2006 14:17

I'd be VERY angry if dh behaved like this. Does he realise it's abnormal? I dunno, maybe he is feeling guilty, or he's depressed, or something, but he needs to know this is very odd behaviour and it's unacceptable. Akin to reading someone's letters without their permission.

Bit odd of you to delete history, though, is your conscience troubling you in some way? You aren't gambling/shopping for Britain/internet dating or anything? I'd be surprised if dh did that, and I'd ask him why, but I wouldn't give him a hard time or start snooping.

wannaBe1974 · 28/07/2006 14:27

firstly, I think you need to establish why your dh is suspicious of you, it has to have more to do with just deleting the computer history. But secondly you should think about why it is there are things you don't want your dh to know about. If you don't have an open and honsst relationship then you should start to wonder why imo. What is it you've been surfing that you don't want your dh to know about?

Also, while I totally understand that your dh checking your history must make you feel angry and that he's invading your privacy, imo if a woman posted on here saying "my dh spends a lot of time on the computer and is deleting the history", the sympathy would be with that poster and more than one would be advising her to do some snooping and checking of the computer history.

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 15:00

Yes I agree. I think I would be concerned if he did it. But sometimes there are things that trouble me that I research and I don't always want him to know about it. It's like I have a fear but if I talk about it it might really happen. I have explained to him that there is nothing for him to worry about and that he is putting 2 and 2 together and making 5.

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wannaBe1974 · 28/07/2006 15:06

sounds t me like you've got some problems of your own that need addressing? you say you have a fear but if you talk about it it might come true? what kinds of things are you afraid of? and if you know that you shouldn't really be looking these things up then surely you know that these fears are maybe irassional?

Could you talk to your dh about how you're feel at the moment, rather than going on to the internet in secret to look up things that you know in reality might not come true?

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 15:24

yes our lives are very stressful atm. I worry about my health and other things. When I go to bed at night I wake up and DH is staring at me or not asleep. It's horrible.

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edam · 28/07/2006 15:28

So are these things like fear of illness and looking up the symptoms? And you feel if you tell dh about this he'd scoff? If it's something along these lines, that embarrasses you, then you really should bite the bullet and consider talking to him about it.

Seriously: 'Dh, I sometimes look up information about stuff that worries me and I delete the history because I'm embarrassed as I know it's irrational and you'd laugh at me if you knew I was convinced I had . Sometimes we all do things that are a bit silly but harmless. But if I knew I could talk to you without you making me feel daft, then I wouldn't feel that I had to delete the history. And stop snooping - it's wrong.'

Any help?

FWIW I used to spend a lot of time looking up estate agent's sites and thinking about what house I'd like, way before we had any plans to move - it's just a bit of daydreaming, like reading interiors magazines without actually doing any decorating. I can imagine, though, if I was a different kind of person, being a bit embarrassed about it and not wanting dh to laugh at me!

Original poster

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 15:34

Thanks for advice. Partly yes - but he seems to be concerned about something else I have looked up and he hasn't said what it is. I also google mindless things if I'm bored. Now I am beginning to feel like a criminal!

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crazydazy · 28/07/2006 15:55

I do this too Camilla, I google just about everything and this includes every little ache or pain I get too!!! I wouldn't want DP to see as he already thinks I am a hypochondriac, so I totally get where you are coming from with this.

Molton · 28/07/2006 16:21

With me it's googling ex. boyfriends (well it's interesting) and in fact being on MN, because (whispers) I don't have kids and DH wouldn't get it / would be slightly freaked out.

Original poster

Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 14:30

Now I know what is going on. After seeing the other thread I now realise he has been investigating all the files on internet explorer. Then he comes to me and asks for explanations of everything I have looked up (not letting on that he already knows) and because I (can't even remember!) everything he is quietly getting annoyed and trying to trip me up. This is so sinister.

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HappyDaddy · 31/07/2006 14:33

This thread is an interesting twist on many existing ones, isn't it? Hmmm.

Original poster

Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 14:35

what do you mean HD?

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edam · 31/07/2006 14:38

I think it's worrying that he hasn't been honest with you about why he's cross-questioning you. I mean, it's worrying that he's snooping in the first place, but there just seems to be such an extreme level of paranoia on his part... I think you need to confront him and find out what the hell is going on. Get it all out into the open.

Or, try visiting the Relate website, and see if he gets the hint?

Original poster

Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 14:54

yes, I agree. the signs are not good.

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