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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband doesn't trust me

36 replies

Cammmilla · 28/07/2006 13:10

My DH has started quizzing me about deleting the history on the computer. I do sometimes delete it because I don't want him to know everything I have looked up (not anything dodgy like porn!!)

I have NO intention of having an affair so he has no proof that that is what I am doing but he thinks I should tell him everything I have looked up.

I can understand him being a bit suspicious but as a) I have never had an affair or so much as looked at another man b) I haven't done anything anyway I feel he should take my word that nothing is going on, I just don't necessarily want him to know my every thought. But he won't and he is creeping around the house at night and investigating my computer usage.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I am beginning to feel that I can't stand it.

With hindsight perhaps I should not have deleted the history and just kept my worries to myself. It is so unlike him to be paranoid though - what should I do now?

OP posts:
Dior · 31/07/2006 14:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 14:58

I have told him but it's evidently not good enough and he wants me to explain and recall everything i have looked up/

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 31/07/2006 15:01

I mean there are loads of threads where the female partner has been snooping through their dp's internet history. Mostly they get support for living with partners who make them so suspicious that they have to snoop.

Now we have one where you're getting support when being snooped upon. It's interesting to see the reactions change.

dinosaur · 31/07/2006 15:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 15:02

True, but I'm not looking up porn!

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 31/07/2006 15:03

On the other hand, he has no right to go snooping around after you. I'm sure he'd be indignant if you did it to him.

Original poster
Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 15:03

Thanks dinosaur. Last post to HD btw.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 31/07/2006 15:07

I know Cammilla, it wasn't really aimed at you. Just noticing the differing opinions when the two sides are posted.

liquidclocks · 31/07/2006 16:25

Hi Cammmilla. Just thought I'd give you a perspective from the point of view of someone on the other side. My DH constantly deletes the history files and the temp internet files. He tells me I have nothing to worry about but if that's true - why does he do it?

Looking at thread histories on MN I can guess what I'd see if he didn't do this. What I hate the most is his deception - if he makes lying to me (keeping the truth from - what's the diff?) 'the norm', then how do I know for certain he's telling the truth about other things? I can understand what your DH does a bit, I have occasionally found 'evidence' and indirectly asked a few questions in an attempt to trip DH up. I haven't done it because of anything else other than it confirms what I already know - he's a damn good liar. If your DH is feeling hurt and lied to by you, he's naturally going to retaliate.

I have to agree with the other posters here to an extent - I wouldn't like DH snooping on me but then, I don't have anything to hide. It would concern me that there are things you don't feel able to discuss with him, he is your DH after all? BTW I have heard a story of a lady finding out her DH had cancer by checking his temp files and emails because she knew he was hiding something - what if your DH sees what you've been doing and is actually genuinely fearful for you?

Does sound like you both need to have a good heart to heart to sort this out, hope you do.

Original poster
Cammmilla · 31/07/2006 16:37

Hi liquidclocks. I certainly can appreciate where you are coming from. The thing is, I don't think that he has the right to know all of my thoughts because he is my DH. What do you think your husband hides from you - porn? Because I don't look up anything like that. I just don't like to have to explain all of my activity on the computer.

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 31/07/2006 18:47

I had a think after wrote my post, maybe I come accross a bit harsh - sorry if you think so. I guess I just wanted to encourage you to try and see it from his pont of view. Men do seem to have a thing about 'protecting' their women - if he feels you can't go to him with your worries, it's like you're saing that he's not good enough to support you. Being honest would just reassure him that he is important to you but the sorts of things you're finding out about are personal and you don't really want to discuss them.

I also want to say that I don't 'snoop' on DH a lot really, I just don't like that I know he makes efforts to cover his tracks - I don't think he should have to. The way I see it is the internet might be virtual but it is a real place and you don't go anywhere in real life that you know would upset someone you love (eg for men, strip bars, prostitutes etc) so I expect the same morals when surfing. BUT we talked about this when we got married and established our own expectations of eachother. If you and your DH did this too but now he's back-trackin that's different.

I do think waking up in the night and finding DH staring at me or always being awake would worry me. Is he happy otherwise? Paranoia and insomnia can be signs of underlying issues.

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