Advice on my marriage please

[scarlotti]

DH and i have been together for 11 years, married for 6. 2dc between us and I have dd from previous relationship. 3years ago we separated after a year of relate with the aim to try and improve things. I felt like his mum as i was doing everything at home ... Literally the only thing he did was take out the bins.
We both felt a great relief when we split, but kept things very amicable and then after a month or so started to date again. 18 months later DH moved back home and we both vowed to make more effort.
Fast forward to now and things feel almost like they were again and I don't know what to do. DH can now drive, which hugely helps, but I still do 95% of everything. Our spare money is not quite equal, although is almost, but that's only been over the last year.
Both of us work full time, but I feel like i do the house and do stuff full time too. I often comment that i have two jobs.
I keep saying we need to out effort into our relationship but he's happy with the way things are - I've suggested date night, but he feels that's too contrived/will cost too much. We don't have a laugh and i often feel lonely. When I tell him that he says to to as it makes him feel sad.
He's been on AD's for a coupe of years now and still gets very tired, has no extra energy. I've had stints on AD's as i can get quite anxious and run myself ragged. I don't know if the anxiety/depression i feel is impacting the marriage or vice versa.
At work i feel good as i feel valued and like my contribution counts. I have a laugh with colleagues and friends so think i do have a sense of humour ... Maybe it just doesn't match his?
I don't know what to think so would appreciate an outside perspective. Part of me thinks that this shouldn't feel like such hard work or drudge, but I don't know if maybe reality of marriage is just like this.

A good marriage is neither hard work, nor a drudge. Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is probably in a bad marriage themselves. A compatible partner enhances life, they don't drag it down, and I think that's what's missing from your relationship i.e. compatibility. You can't force it or fake it no matter how much you want it or analyse it or promise to change. You either click or you don't and I'm sorry... you don't click. I'd say it's the incompatibility... square peg in a round hole.. .. that is the source of your dissatisfaction and a big contributor to his anxiety/depression.

Thanks for replying.
When we lived apart and dated, things seemed fun again and there was effort on his part as well as mine. I wonder now if that was easier for him as he had downtime without the stress of family life too, and so had energy to put into it.
He's more ambitious now and making a career, but it feels like the energy is all directed outward and none to the marriage.
There is love there between is, but I don't know if that's enough. I don't feel as though I'm supported and feel like i always have to be the strong one.
He's a good Dad and does stuff with the dc at the weekend and i guess that is my concern, if we were to separate again then I'd be taking their Dad from them.

Thanks Cogito, i think that's what I suspect is the case. He has fun with his friends/colleagues as do i, but we don't have fun together.
I think that maybe i think it would be selfish to take away my dc Dad though just for that, but then a bit of me thinks we should enjoy life more than we do.

There was effort on his part to get his feet back under the table. He was motivated when he was outside the family because he wanted back in. Now he's 'safe', why would he bother to keep up the pretense? This is the real him I'm afraid. The him you see when he wants something special is a big old act. Sorry your kids are going to be confused and upset all over again but this is a case of plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose

My French isn't good enough for that saying! but I get the jist of what you're saying. He also comes from a very traditional family where Mum never worked and Dad brought home the money and did very little other than tea the boys to football etc. they were very happy though. I do wonder if that's what he'd really like ... But that he also enjoys the lifestyle that my job and money brings. I've been the main breadwinner by far throughout.

I have been in an abusive relationship in the past, so i guess have been caught up in the trap of thinking that it's not that bad so stick with it. Maybe i also mistake the sad feelings i have when I think about it ending as reason that we should stay together when maybe they are just sadness it isn't working out?

Rough translation... 'the more things change, the more they stay the same'. i.e. he took you for granted before, promised 'effort', and takes you for granted now. Nothing has changed.

How his Mum and Dad behaved is not your problem. He's used you and he's being fundamentally dishonest. That would make anyone feel sad.

Ah, I see. You're right, as any effort is only short lived although I've always thought that the intent was genuine... He's not a bad man.
I haven't thought about it being dishonest on his part, I'm sure he'd vehemently deny that ... I suspect a talk is in order though where I just go down the 'neither of us are happy' route as I'd be wanting to keep things as amicable as possible for the dc to minimise the impact on them.

He will vehemently deny being dishonest. Because his fundamental idea about marriage and family life is about being 'looked after' while you keep things going.

Question is: who 'looks after' you?

I think that's probably the heart of it, in fairness i don't think it's done with any negative intent but maybe i just don't want to see that.
Nobody looks after me, and there's the rub.
Once when I had an operation on my wrist, and my youngest woke up in the morning, i still ended up getting up and seeing to him. This was despite having a hand up in a sling and having to ask him to get the baby out of the cot as i couldn't lift him. He got him out, put him on my hip and then went back to bed.
When I've asked him why about this since, he says he can't answer why he would have done that...

For some people (I am one) we have to put effort into being like your DH was with you when you were not together. It takes it out of us, and we need a lot of down time.

When I was working I had to put effort into being "working me" and so needed more downtime than my H realised. (he was workshy and a cocklodger which didn't help - sharing the housework is incredibly important - or it was to me in my marriage and he made things worse by not even doing much around the house)

I hope your H is like me - it sounds as if you think so too - rather than like my Ex.

Well I think your feelings are reasonable. I for one have kicked out a lazy and fundamentally entitled partner. He was happy to literally lie on the sofa while I did absolutely everything. On top of that he resented having to look after the kids on his own whe I worked on weekends (in a career he purported to be supportive of). He was also an angry man. The biggest issue for me was the total lack of a partnership.

That's all irrelevant though. You are entitled to merely judge the situation as you see it, against your own values and feelings.

Sparkly, thanks for your message. I do think things take more energy for him whereas I'm the opposite and tend to grab life by the balls! Sadly this is being eroded within me though due to the situation as i end up resentful and feeling like life is just passing me by.
I also feel guilty for thinking about splitting up our marriage (for the impact on the kids) just because he doesn't have enough energy to go around. I guess I feel that maybe i should accept that as part of who he is ... Sickness and health and all that..
I do know though that if we didn't have children then we wouldn't be together, we've both admitted that which I guess speaks volumes.

Handy, it's a partnership i want and don't feel we have. I'd love to be able to say i feel I could rely on him 100% for support when I really needed it.... But I can't, which is very sad.

It was partnership missing in my marriage. Whatever the reason for that in your case, I think Cog may be right that you are nevertheless incompatible.

It wouldn't be you who'd be causing the end of your marriage.

He sounds awful.

Thanks for all the replies. He's not a bad man but we are fundamentally different I think.
This has given me the strength to talk to him frankly about the situation so I'm grateful for you all taking the time to read and reply.

He's not taking you seriously and sounds terribly selfish, why does he not think he should help with the running of the house - it should be an equal partnership and team - you're not getting any of that.

As for his dismissal of date night, honestly, how insulting.

This is it if you're happy to settle, I know I wouldn't.

I am bogglinv that you say "he's not a bad man" when he left you to look after a baby when your arm was injured and didn't even apologise! If that's what a good man does what does a bad man do???

No, I'm not happy to settle anymore and I can't see that anything will change. I do feel sad though that this will uproot my dc's and so want to make sure it's a considered decision.
I guess I meant that the getting up incident wasn't due to him wanting to be mean, it was his desire for sleep winning over my need for support. I guess I see that as selfish as opposed to nasty if that makes sense. I have been in an abusive relationship in my past so maybe my perception of bad is lower than it should be.

"He's a good Dad and does stuff with the dc at the weekend and i guess that is my concern, if we were to separate again then I'd be taking their Dad from them".

Did you take him back initially primarily for the sake of the children?. That was not actually one of your better ideas if that was the case because such men do not change. He has not changed an iota apart from now being able to drive.

No he is not a good Dad if he has and continues to treat you so shabbily.

I have to look at you though. What do you get from this?. People in such situations often use the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. And you have written nothing positive about him now (apart from him being able to now drive). What do you think you are both teaching your children about relationships here?.

Many lazy and entitled men just want to be looked after, they are not interested or bothered about keeping who they see as their woman happy. He just wanted someone at heart who was happy to carry on where his mother (who likely did everything around the house for him as well as her H) left off and to be "looked after".

I have been in an abusive relationship in my past so maybe my perception of bad is lower than it should be.

Indeed and that is often the case. Scarlotti, I would suggest in the medium term that you enrol yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for women who have previously been in abusive relationships.

I don't mean to harrangue you but is he really a good dad if he didn't even think of caring for his child when you were injured? To me that incident is really bad, I would struggle to forgive that. Out of interest did you ask him at the time to take over?

Attila, thanks for your posts. No, I didn't take him back initially for the sake of the children. When we were apart, the relationship became more carefree again and there was effort on both sides. He did try and improve things, and made inroads to better himself by driving and his career. In hindsight, most of his 'improvements' were cenred around him but also benefitted the family unit, rather than our relationship as a couple.
His Mum did do everything and I suspect that his what he thinks is the norm deep down.
I don't get much from the marriage, but I suspect that my self esteem issues have meant I don't feel I deserve much. I have had a lot of therapy over the past few years, and have made huge inroads in dealing with a lot of my past and now feel like I'm more of the person I should be, and that I deserve someone on my wavelength.
I do worry what this is teaching my dc's - the 2 at home are both boys and I would hate for them to grow up thinking they don't have to pull their weight in a relationship.
Thanks for the pointer for the Womans Aid course, I will look into that.

Cailin - no, I didn't ask him to take over and I probably should have. At the time I would have felt that I probably deserved no better and then would have got up and seethed about it, but not done anything about it. So I do have to shoulder some of the fault with all this as I have allowed this scenario to continue.
He cares deeply about the dc's and would do anything for them. The same doesn't apply to me though, which is the writing on the wall really.