Advice on my marriage please

[scarlotti]

DH and i have been together for 11 years, married for 6. 2dc between us and I have dd from previous relationship. 3years ago we separated after a year of relate with the aim to try and improve things. I felt like his mum as i was doing everything at home ... Literally the only thing he did was take out the bins.
We both felt a great relief when we split, but kept things very amicable and then after a month or so started to date again. 18 months later DH moved back home and we both vowed to make more effort.
Fast forward to now and things feel almost like they were again and I don't know what to do. DH can now drive, which hugely helps, but I still do 95% of everything. Our spare money is not quite equal, although is almost, but that's only been over the last year.
Both of us work full time, but I feel like i do the house and do stuff full time too. I often comment that i have two jobs.
I keep saying we need to out effort into our relationship but he's happy with the way things are - I've suggested date night, but he feels that's too contrived/will cost too much. We don't have a laugh and i often feel lonely. When I tell him that he says to to as it makes him feel sad.
He's been on AD's for a coupe of years now and still gets very tired, has no extra energy. I've had stints on AD's as i can get quite anxious and run myself ragged. I don't know if the anxiety/depression i feel is impacting the marriage or vice versa.
At work i feel good as i feel valued and like my contribution counts. I have a laugh with colleagues and friends so think i do have a sense of humour ... Maybe it just doesn't match his?
I don't know what to think so would appreciate an outside perspective. Part of me thinks that this shouldn't feel like such hard work or drudge, but I don't know if maybe reality of marriage is just like this.

I don't agree that you bear any responsibility for him not taking over. Any normal husband wouldn't need to be asked. Again I don't see why you say he would do anything for the children if in fact looking after your son was too much trouble and he fucked off to bed rather than doing it.

He has no respect for you.

Just read the bit about your injured wrist, honestly, he's bringing nothing to the table but extra work for you and feelings of resentment. I know you don't want to see him in a bad light but there's not much else he could do to not make any outsider think he's a selfish, self centred uncaring child.

You're right, and his actions speak louder than any words I get. I suppose I am just wary that I am only portraying my side of the story and that he would describe things differently, or be able to justify his actions. I am trying to make sure that I am describing things fairly, and I think I have. It's still tough though as there will always be a bit of me that wants to see him in the best light as there are feelings there, they won't be erased overnight.

I do appreciate your time taken to reply though, it is helping to make me feel I'm doing the right thing in thinking about ending things. I think I've/we've tried all avenues to change things - individual counselling for me, couples counselling, separation - and things are still fundamentally the same.

Your side of the story is 100% valid because this is your life we're talking about. You only get one shot at it so why waste any time being apologetic for wanting it to be as good as possible and not some desperate drudge? This is only a personal perspective but, the older I get, the more I realise that the only person genuinely looking out for me in this world is ... me! :) And if I don't pipe up, make the tough decisions and get rid of the annoying stuff, who the hell will? So park any fears of selfishness and do what you feel is right for you. Whatever that is.

Good luck

You can't fundamentally change a person. It sounds like you hoped he would become someone else. That's not going to happen.

Thanks Cog, it's painfully simple when you get down to the bare bones of it.

Cailin, maybe I did and you're right, I can't change him. We both want different things from a relationship I think.

On a practical note for sharing out chores have you tried sitting down with him writing out a list of jobs which need doing in the house and putting the approx amount of time each one does next to the. And then dividing up the jobs. That way he know exactly what his jobs are.

He might not be a bad man but for you he's a partner who is draining away your life.

You can stay, but you'll need to come to terms with the fact that in 30-40 years time, you'll look back and think "why did I allow my life to be such a waste and to give me so little joy?"

These days in dealing with my elderly mother I'm struck by how much of an unhappy person she allowed herself to become and were it not for a suffocating sense of obligation, I'd avoid her like the plague. Imagine your kids thinking that of you when they grow up.

nautical, that's serious food for thought. Thanks and sorry to hear about your mum

Thanks for your concern OP. It is a shame about our Mam but there's nothing to be done. She's made a cage for herself which she can't escape.

Us kids are all fine in our own ways but our Mam is largely irrelevant to that.