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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think it's all over ....

27 replies

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/01/2014 19:02

Have posted before about DH telling me he no longer had feelings for me. We got through Christmas and had some great times, made some brilliant memories for DSs - we also had a couple of bad times when he got moody ( not in front of kids though)..

Had a great night out on Saturday, we seemed to be our old selves, banter and stuff with others. Thing is he comes out on Sunday that he could have had fun if I wasn't there and only realised I was involved when I pointed out specific examples. He has said this sort of thing before.

It is almost as if he is scared to admit he enjoys my company and has a wall down when it comes to me. He was told by the doctor back in November he had depression, but has refused to believe this and thinks he is just sad. He has an incredibly stressful job, is on high blood pressure tablets, has ended up in hospital a couple of times in the two years after collapsing ( stress related).

He is going to leave. Throw it all away. DS is a sensitive soul and it will destroy him. He won't get help for himself, won't go to counselling with me, won't talk. He had a bad day at work today and is now locked away in our room, music on and asleep. He is spending less and less time with DS.

What makes me saddest is the loss of my best friend as well as my husband. The loss of a life that our son (and until recently us) loved. House will have to be sold, can't afford to live in our lovely village, DS in year 5 so will mean he will not go to the good local high school, but a crappy one in a nearby town.

I love DH, but am starting to see a selfish man. Refusing help and fucking up our lives because " I just don't have any feelings, I don't feel like I want to care for you". I want it to be the depression, that dead inside feeling, but if he won't accept it what can I do?

There is no one else, before anyone says it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/01/2014 19:13

The last two years that should say

OP posts:

Logg1e · 16/01/2014 19:20

OP, It is almost as if he is scared to admit he enjoys my company and has a wall down when it comes to me.

Well, that bit made me wonder if there's someone else, or has been.

I know what you mean about losing your best friend and lifestyle (for want of a better word) as well as losing your partner.

Logg1e · 16/01/2014 19:21

Also, I know you say it will destroy your son, but it sounds pretty bad as it is, a father who is withdrawing more and more from family life.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/01/2014 19:48

There is no one else. DS has no idea anything is wrong, is happy and content. DSS is 18 and lives away from home now, but will be devastated too.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2014 20:03

Sounds very sad, purple. Would you, could you, consider living with your husband but separately, if you know what I mean? Agree with him that you will share the childcare but that your relationship is over - and the 'payment' for this is that the house doesn't need to be sold and your children get to go to the schools they want.

Where this would go longer term I have no idea but I suppose that it's possible you could both have romantic interests in other people.

I don't know that I could but then I don't think that any school would be worth that sacrifice... although I might if it were a house that we all loved.

Not easy though and I hope you won't be offended by my post. I wish he'd talk to you so you know where you stand once and for all.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/01/2014 20:27

Thank you witch that is what I would like at this point as I do not want to upset DS unnecessarily. I just see it as he is giving up without a fight. He would go and live with his mum ...

It is so sad as we have had such a fantastic marriage and travelled the world together, I never ever thought we would split. He can't seem to remember any of this at the moment.

There has been no fighting, cheating, nastiness etc. just a few months of bickering following a bad year (miscarriage, uncle's death, parents heart attack). So maybe I have just not been there as much as I usually am emotionally. I just want to shout at him and tell him to snap out of it and sort his bloody head out, that he can't wreck all we have worked for and done, just because he feels 'unhappy'.

Does every relationship not go through a bit where one or the other is unhappy ... Does everyone throw it away?

OP posts:

Leafmould · 16/01/2014 20:32

Can he get some time off work to reevaluate? Even if it means blowing a chunk of his holiday, I think from what you have said that the most likely culprit for your oh not feeling able to fight for your relationship is his stressful job.

Can you ask him to eliminate that before sacking he whole thing off?

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/01/2014 20:41

He was better at Christmas when he had a few days off. Back to work back to unhappy. He leaves at 615 every morning, 40 minute journey and gets home between 630 and 730 every night. So some days a 13 hour day - and he does more at home.

I have tried to persuade him to have time off (own business) but he won't/can't.

I know it's work related but he doesn't want to - I have become the big bad wolf. Right now I am starting to both love him and hate what he is doing. My priority is my lovely DS (and DSS)

OP posts:

Minime85 · 16/01/2014 20:45

I'm 3 months actually separated and 7 months since it all hit fan. a lot of your post sounds familiar to me and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

dcs will be upset but are resilient and mine are muddling through it all quite well now. as am I. its not what I wanted or expected but have to keep going.

it does get easier week by week but I do have up and down days.

maybe some time apart will make him realise what he needs to do either way rather than leaving things in limbo.

Leafmould · 16/01/2014 20:53

From what you are saying you are hitting a brick wall everywhere you turn with him.

Like minime said, children are more resilient than you think, and it won't destroy him, especially if you are careful how you explain things to him, and your oh agrees regular contact. Whet your ds needs is a happy mum and dad and neither of you sound happy.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/01/2014 21:18

That's the thing - we have been happy, despite the terrible year. DS has no idea about any of this. I think DH has had some kind of break down again but this time it's me and not work.
Just so sad. Thank you for replies

OP posts:

Minime85 · 16/01/2014 22:44

it is so sad. and you feel so powerless and I felt and do still feel ashamed. my RL friends tell me off for that but I do feel it.

if it is what happens the book mum and dad glue is good. might be little young for a year 5 but nice way tells the story. or I dont want to talk about it is good too.

I hope you are ok. I think its worse you knowing and dcs not. it gave me migraines which I had never had before, knowing what was going to happen to their world. it was awful telling them but a relief to be telling the truth too.

Tonandfeather · 17/01/2014 01:59

I'd be very, very surprised if he was really working 13 hour days. Especially as he can't get all his work done in that timeframe.

Why are you so sure there is no-one else? How can you be so certain?

bouncyagain · 17/01/2014 06:14

Sorry OP, but it has all the warning signs of an OW.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/01/2014 08:33

I CAN believe that he can't get his work done in a 13-hour day and still has to work when he gets home. When I'm feeling at my best, I think I can leap tall buildings in my stride. When I have a less good day (and I don't normally suffer from any illness), the simplest things take ages to do, if I remember to do them at all.

OP... I would encourage him to talk to you - or leave and go to his mum's - but I wouldn't let him off caring for his children, 50:50 with you. They're his responsibility too and he doesn't get to ensconce himself on a chaise longue with a handkerchief...

Finola1step · 17/01/2014 10:26

Purple, can I suggest that you take back some control here?

Yes, he has a range of problems and issues. You are scared and wanting to cling onto the good bits. But, it sounds like that he is always in the driving seat. He decides that he's not depressed, not going to counselling, he can choose to remove himself from family life and your marraige.

Time to take some action for yourself. I suggest you start by telling him that you want some time and space away from him. Tell him to book into a hotel for a few days (or more).

He isn't the only one who can make decisions.

MillyRules · 17/01/2014 10:57

Can I ask how you know that he is not having an affair?

Jan45 · 17/01/2014 11:52

You've tried you're best, time to let him get on with it and you to get on with your life without him.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 17/01/2014 15:19

Yes he does work 13 hour days and I know this because he has collapsed from overwork twice before and often calls me from the office and I call him. He sometimes works from home so I have seen how hard he works. He runs his own business and I don't think he is alone to work these sort of hours in the current climate. He also does work at home for a sports team he coaches.

I know he is not having an affair because he never goes anywhere other than the local pub with mates. I am not naive but I know him. He wouldn't have time!

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/01/2014 15:25

He wouldn't have time!

The number of times I have read this about men who subsequently turned out to be having an affair. :(

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 17/01/2014 15:51

Not all marriages end because men have affairs. I know that he is not. I now feel a lot worse than I did before, thanks!

Thanks to those who offered constructive advice, and yes I do need to take control now.

OP posts:

Twitterqueen · 17/01/2014 15:55

No-one seems to be picking up on the depression here. I have no experience but if the doctor has told him he has it, there's probably a good chance he does.

Also, the 'no feelings' bit is typical of someone with depression. An inability to feel things is a classic symptom.

I do think it's worth trying to address this again. If he would take ADs for a while things might - and only might - be very different. But worth a try surely?

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 17/01/2014 16:59

Thank you twitter queen. I wish he would, especially given his history, but he is so adamant that this is all because he is unhappy with me (although I have done nothing wrong he keeps,telling me). He is just totally blanked out when it comes to me. DS does not see it, but there is a struggle there from him to be 'normal'. He hardly gets in touch with his DS (my DSS).

I hope some space will send him back, but I doubt it (and he doesn't seem to really want to leave!)

OP posts:

Jan45 · 17/01/2014 17:27

Depressed or not, he's hurting you in an awful way, I wouldn't be hanging around for any more rejection.

MillyRules · 17/01/2014 17:27

Of course not all marriages end because of affairs but the fact that your husband is blaming you for his unhappiness seems to imply that he is wanting to maybe leave. I'm sorry the answers here have upset you but his depression is one thing but blaming you for his unhappiness seems to be a way of withdrawing.

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