Not sure how to get back to how we were

[KenAdams]

DD is 20 months. I really struggled after I had her and was diagnosed with PND although I took no medication for it.

Now, I feel mostly in control. DH and I were great before DD was born, completely inseparable and best friends.

Now, I seem to spend all day and evening looking after DD (he helps) and doing housework. For example, I started ironing at 10pm last night so by the time I get to bed, I'm exhausted. There's no time for him tbh. We hardly ever have sex because I'm just so tired all the time and that's the last thing I want to do.

I feel like I don't care anymore because looking after DD and doing housework takes up so much time and even then I only manage to wash up, vacuum and iron, nothing else really gets done apart from some tidying. I can't do anything when DD is awake because she goes insane if I leave her for 2 mins. I even hold it in if I need the loo because it's too much hassle to go as she will try and break things etc to try and get me back in the room.

Anyway, I'd like some advice on how to get back to how we used to be, or has it gone too far now?

I think you need to return to the GP again and seek further help. It reads to me like you are still very much in the throes of PND and it is no shame to admit that you are need of help.

Sounds like the household & childcaring chores aren't divided fairly as an obvious first move. What was he doing while you were doing all this late-night ironing? Vacuuming isn't a daily thing, surely? As for DD going nuts if she's left for 2 mins then how about installing a play-pen where you can pop her and leave her to shout safely while you at least go to the loo?

Anyway... talk about it and work out how to divide things up more fairly

He does bins, some tidying and putting the washing up away. I do ironing, washing, washing up, cooking and tidying.

The first thing you can do is to stop ironing at 10pm at night.

What were you ironing that was so important it needed to be done so late?

Your husband is not doing his fair share of the the work.

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

You at your DH helps but e should be looking after your dd as much as you are when he's home. Is he not doing bath and bed? One of you do that whilst the either cooks and tidies toys away.

It sounds like you need a break and more help. What happens at weekends?

My advice is to prioritise. No one ever died saying they hadn't done enough housework. I've a 10 month old, so can empathise to some degree. Vacuum once a week, and on other days leave it unless there is a major spill to clean up. Only iron essentials like shirts and blouses. Bed linen and baby clothes don't matter. When you cook a meal, make double and freeze the rest for another day etc

It doesn't matter if your house isn't perfect, it really doesn't.

Do you both have equal amount of child free leisure time? What does he do while you are doing the housework so late at night?

Bins go out weekly (or they do here anyway), tidying is something everyone in a house does as they're going along and putting plates away takes about five minutes tops. It's too unequal OP and it will make you feel like you're running the place single-handed. Just tell him to do more.

He says he does loads and needs a rest at some point. He does bath. I do bed which takes 2 hours as DD is a rubbish sleeper. He wants to do CIO so unless I do bed he'll do that which I hate.

He was playing PS3 last night but usually watching telly when I iron.

I asked him to put his washing away but he doesn't so that just sits the forever until its all worn.

We're usually out doing something at the weekend so we don't spend much time at home.

Have you asked him where you rest is?

So what you're really saying is that you thought you had a good relationship and an equal partnership pre DD when you had no real responsibilities and could coast along without a care in the world. But a baby has arrived, you've grown up and shouldered the burden, while he's decided he needs lots of rest and behaves like an irresponsible, lazy arsehole. You'd be amazed how common that is.

Time to put your foot down OP. Challenge this idle bugger before you end up permanently on medication. Stop beating yourself up about the quality of your housework, sit down with DD and a cup of tea all day, and when he complains that he has no clean shirts, tell him that a washing machine is easier to use than a PS3

Sorry, what's CIO?

'Cry It Out' I expect. It's a legitimate technique to help a child learn to self-settle but these kinds of approaches have to be agreed on as a team, not one person going a route that he thinks gets him back to his PS3 a bit quicker...

As usual Cogito talks sense.

You've got a child, your house doesn't have to be spotless or show home. I vacuum once a week because its fruitless trying to do more. I don't iron anything! Hate ironing. If DH wears a shirt (rare as he doesn't have to wear them for work) he irons it himself.

I dust whilst DS is in the room with me playing. He hates me washing up or cooking so I do what I can. You can't do everything and your DH needs to buck his ideas up and help.

"He says he does loads and needs a rest at some point."

He doesn't do loads and you BOTH need a rest.

What were you ironing at 10pm last night while he played video games?

Please tell me it wasn't anything for him to wear.

Ahh, I see. A bit convenient he wants to use a method his DW does not want to use, thereby he doesn't have to do the two hour bedtime? Does your DD enjoy her bathtime by any chance OP? Sounds like cherry picking the easiest bits.

Sorry OP, it is very difficult when one has a clingy and fussy baby.

My LO is also fussy and I'm always been very particular about cleaning and keeping everything tidy and in its place - but I've had to let go big time. I now clean the bathrooms once every two weeks and mop and Hoover once every two weeks too. I sweep kitchen everyday and put the dishwasher on every other day. Cook mainly every day but really take it easy with other chores. It does help that we don't have guests around much so I don't feel pressurised to keep it up to the standard it was before. And yes it does bother me a little, but you know what, I've been forced to do that because of how demanding my LO is (up every hour at night for example), and we are still living (kind of ).

Tbh my DP doesn't pick his dishes up after him either on a week day, and yes I do tell him off when I have the energy. But instead I get him to help me clean up on the weekend and look after LO whilst I catch up on sleep or some retail therapy and to be fair he has offered to pay for a cleaner, but I can't seem to find someone suitable and don't want anyone snooping around (and I would much rather spend that £40 on eating out).

Can you get a cleaner?

I think I'd put more emphasis on the OP's DH pulling his weight more rather than the OP re-arranging her cleaning schedule.

To be fair I'd refuse to do a two-hour bedtime. If DH hadn't agreed to CC, he'd have every bedtime to handle. Between that and the ironing, OP is creating unnecessary work and then complaining her partner isn't doing enough.

Sometimes though I think it depends on people's different perceptions of what should be done. For example if the OP thinks the house should be vacuumed, mopped and bathrooms cleaned daily, well that's unrealistic and not surprising if her DH doesn't want to help. I'm not saying this is the case.

Thing is OP, if your DH comes home after working all day he has every right to be tired. Equally though you have been looking after your toddler all day so you have every right to be tired. One doesn't win over the other. But when you're at home together, you work together in whatever needs doing, washing up, cooking, bedtime. Just because your DH is home it doesn't mean time off, put feet up, job done whilst you're still carrying on. That's not on. You should be a team.

I don't mean that to sound unsympathetic but rather that a trip back to the GP may be at least part of the answer.

Actually, reading the title of your post made me think again. You're never going to get back to how you were because your life has changed forever now that you are BOTH parents with the equal responsibilites that brings to your child and to each other.

Aha...so he is NOT pulling his weight enough. What the fuck was he doing playing on the PS and watching TV while you do the housework?

Maybe alternate bed/bath duties - so that you get to do the fun bathtime session while he puts baby to bed every other day.

You do need to lower your standards a bit and most of all he needs a good kick up his arse - you need a rest just as much as he does!!

Oh don't get me wrong - I do only hoover once a week when I can but if we've had something messy to eat then there might be crumbs etc everywhere. The ironing has to be done as I don't manage to get to it for a week after its washed usually, meaning it's all very very creased.

On top of all that, we've just moved house so there are boxes to unpack everywhere which I just can't get to due to lack of time so they are making the house look awful.

This new house doesn't have a dishwasher so that and cooking lunch is taking up most of the time when DD naps.