Not sure how to get back to how we were

[KenAdams]

DD is 20 months. I really struggled after I had her and was diagnosed with PND although I took no medication for it.

Now, I feel mostly in control. DH and I were great before DD was born, completely inseparable and best friends.

Now, I seem to spend all day and evening looking after DD (he helps) and doing housework. For example, I started ironing at 10pm last night so by the time I get to bed, I'm exhausted. There's no time for him tbh. We hardly ever have sex because I'm just so tired all the time and that's the last thing I want to do.

I feel like I don't care anymore because looking after DD and doing housework takes up so much time and even then I only manage to wash up, vacuum and iron, nothing else really gets done apart from some tidying. I can't do anything when DD is awake because she goes insane if I leave her for 2 mins. I even hold it in if I need the loo because it's too much hassle to go as she will try and break things etc to try and get me back in the room.

Anyway, I'd like some advice on how to get back to how we used to be, or has it gone too far now?

Well why doesn't Mr. Wonderful unpack the fucking boxes if he's not prepared to do any cooking or laundry?

I'm sorry you're finding things tough at the moment.

I think you need to do several things to improve this situation.

Firstly get back to the GP and either rule out PND or get treatment for it.

Secondly, start trying to look at your relationship with your DD as if you were looking to help a friend and daughter in a similar situation. It's fine not to be a fan of CIO but as your DD's primary caregiver you owe it to her to look after yourself. That means you must get adequate rest and relaxation or you will collapse and where will she be then? If you have to let her scream for 10 minutes while you have a poo and a shower, so be it. It's not healthy to risk damaging your bladder/bowels because you're scared of your DD's reaction. It's ok to put some of your needs top of the list.

Thirdly, if you can fit it in try reading this book to help you gather your thoughts on how you and your DH divide housework. I don't necessarily agree that you should each do 50/50 of all chores, but your current division sounds incredibly unequal. As other posters have pointed out, fair is a situation in which you and DH both get equal amounts of sleep and child-free leisure time. That's not necessarily at the same time and how you achieve that can mean you do all the cooking but he does all the ironing, for example.

Try to put yourself in your DD and your DH's shoes for a sense of perspective. Your DD could be being deprived of time with her father unless you get him to do more. He is potentially damaging the father-daughter relationship by leaving so much to you. Being in a relationship should make everyone's life easier. How is your DH making your life easier? You are making his life easier by doing most of the childcare and nearly all of the domestic work. He would have to do all of it if you weren't around. He may be providing you with money, but he'd have to go to work even if you weren't around. What would you have to do if he wasn't around?

IMO the key to happy parenting is remembering that you're a person first and a parent second. It is vital to have your own sense of identity that isn't centred on the relationships you have with others (although these are of course vitally important). What is it that makes you you? What do you like doing? What makes you feel good? What hobbies did you have before DD and how can you revive them now she's here? By taking care of yourself you set a good example for your DD growing up.

Hope you feel better soon.

What were you ironing last night? I think that the reason a few people have asked this is because it's important.

When ours were little I don't think either of us wore a stitch of clothing that required ironing when we were the parent at home.

Yes, it is important.

For example, if you were ironing sheets then you need to just stop ironing sheets forever for a bit until things calm down a bit.

If you were ironing his work shirts (the only ironing that gets done in this house) then you should have sat down and let him look after his own clothing.

Practically, I think you need to sit down together and work out what jobs need done and how you can split it between you so that you both get some time to relax.

For example - work clothes = need ironed, home clothes = don't need ironed, baby clothes = don't need ironed. Hoovering = once a week plus spillages.

One of you cooks, the other washes up.

Lunches - is this for both of you? Can you batch cook something that lasts more than one day.

What are you ironing? Let your DH sort his own stuff out. Don't iron sheets and things. Baby clothes don't need ironing. Are you making extra work for yourself?

Batch cooking is great and also is a quick an easy way if feeding your DD as you can just take something out the freezer.

Does your DH not cook? Do you do all of it?

"One of you cooks, the other washes up."

Yes, rather than the ridiculous situation where you are cooking and washing up and he is putting the clean dishes away FFS.