I'm trying so fucking hard, why won't he?!

[Faerieinatoadstool]

We have a lot of problems, I have depression and anxiety which I constantly fight to overcome and dh's natural state seems to be arrogant, closed minded and stressed to the point it is completely destroying us.
I have taken steps (ads, cbt, improving diet, doing more exercise etc) to help with my problems and I am improving a lot but he is doing bugger all differently even though we discuss what he can try and he agrees.
I feel like it's me coming up with ideas, motivation and therapy and he is doing no more than occasional token effort.
Just wanted to rant really because it's so bloody frustrating!

It's difficult isn't it.

I kind of liken it to trying to be healthy, sometimes we can't be arsed or find it too difficult, other times we get a burst of enthusiasm and anybody else who isn't supporting us and joining in makes us upset/angry.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Do you see the connection between your depression and anxiety and his behaviour?

It seems very plain to me.

What's your situation? Are you married? Living together? Do you have children? Do you work?

Do you see the connection between your depression and anxiety and his behaviour?

It seems very plain to me.

What's your situation? Are you married? Living together? Do you have children? Do you work?

Apologies for double post.

does he just see it as your problem?

We are married and I look after our ds at home.
I've gotten him to acknowledge some of his poor behaviours towards me (i have posted before about him being drunk and nasty and pooing) and he decided to buy a book about EA but he promised me he would seek help and hasn't.

Drunk and nasty and pooing? Seems very clear where your anxiety is coming from!

In answer to your initial question - he won't try because he doesn't think that he has to. He has got you running around in circles modifying your own behaviour.
How long will you put up with things being as they are. Another month? A year? How long before you realise you will be better off without him?

There's a bit of me that wishes we could have some time apart but we have absolutely no spare money for one of us living somewhere else and family are a few 100 miles away so no use, would me admitting there is a problem/ I'm giving up to parents and they are very much marriage for life people

But this is about you, not them. Being in a miserable marriage is not an achievement. You have one life only, don't be sad and unfulfilled because it fulfills someone else's frankly unreasonable belief system.

Just because your parents are marriage for life people, it doesn't mean you have to endure living with someone who blames all the relationship problems on you. Depression is an illness, it's true, but no amount of pills, therapy, exercise etc will counteract living in a depressing environment. At some point I think you have to stop looking inwards for the reasons you're miserable and properly stand up to the bully.

He sounds terrible and like he's not going to change.

Sorry op he is the reason your on anti d's and feel like you make that connection in your own head, things will become clearer.

One of the hardest things about the end of my marriage was telling my parents. Staunch catholics married 52 years. Guess what? They love me and want me to be happy. Your family will surprise you. Don't flog a dead horse for their sake.
Also have you looked to see what your financial position would be on your own? You might be OK with benefits

Beyond trying to be a decent human being (which doesn't seem to be a motivation for him), why would he change? There's basically no down side to him in not doing so - you won't/can't leave, he has someone to look after his house (and him) for him, so what's in it for him? (Perhaps ask him that rather than try and internalise the question, OP).

If he doesn't want to change, he won't do. You can't make him. That's basically it. And if his nasty behaviour is related to problem drinking, without him being willing to tackle that things can never improve.

I think that your H is at heart the root cause of your ongoing depression and anxiety. I would suggest you ditch the 12 stone of deadweight that is dragging you, and by turn your son, down with him. Such men like your H do not and infact never change. He in not interested in seeking any help and does not want it. In the meantime you are knocking yourself out by trying to keep this sinking boat afloat.

Also your parents are not married to him, you cannot live your life to supposedly please them. No medals are handed out for martyring yourself or remaining within a miserable marriage. That also just teaches your son poor relationship lessons.

Also you're doing all the donkey work here; he is just sitting back and watching you knock yourself out by trying to fix things. What is he doing exactly?. He is patently not bothered. I can therefore see what he gets out of the relationship, but you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you still together at all?. Do you want your son to potentially emulate his Dad's behaviour?. No of course not.

Had another argument last night and he has decided he is going to go to bed earlier as he thinks being less tired will help improve his mood. He may then start to address the other stuff but can't tell me when this will be.
He talks about things like I have stopped him having a life and feeling ok, I know I haven't been brill to live with but I think b that's just shifting blame.

He will not change. All you can do is change how you react to him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You did not answer that question so I presume you really do get nothing from this.

I think, even if you had zero history of depression, being told 'you've ruined my life' by the life partner who is supposed to love you, would make you feel like shit. Even if you were a wholly upbeat and optimistic person, being told 'I might start thinking why I treat you so badly but only when it's convenient' would make you feel anxious and insecure. Knowing you have caved so often and sacrificed (not 'compromised') so much only adds to the despair. If you get these kind of messages on a regular basis, I feel very sorry for you indeed.

I'm trying so fucking hard, why won't he?!

Because he doesn't want to.
Because the current situation suits him fine.
Because he doesn't care.

And that's not about to change. Do you want to stay married to him?

Do you want to stay married to the real him, I mean. Not the fantasy him that you wish he might become (he won't).

When my XP wasn't trying hard to help/fix/improve our relationship, it was simply that he didn't want to be part of it, but had nothing better on offer.

Perhaps its time to read a few self help books (libraries have them), and start considering the possibility of life without your H who doesn't sound worthy of you or your DS.

Look at his efforts the past month. Then consider the past 6 months. Is he a passenger? You can find a middle path. Ie. Tell him you aren't convinced he is invested in this marriage and from now on you will concentrate on yourself and DS. 'D'H is a grown man. If he truly wanted to see an improvement in your relationship wouldn't he be putting in equal effort? He has coasted along watching you tie yourself up in knots. If he knows your parents' stance and your thoughts he might delude himself you are tied to him for life so he can get away with minimal input.

This is your life - easy for people to pontificate about Marriage is Forever when they are compatible and happy. If you feel you have reached the end of the road stsrt exploring the next step. Don't ask your parents for support tell them what you plan to do and if they trot out the old spiel then you know you are going to have to rely on yourself.

He has supported me for several years while I have done training and looked after ds even though we have struggled financially.
I don't want it to seem completely one sided, he had to put up with pressure from me.
I also don't want it to seem like I am just with him for money, there are parts of him that I love but we did rush into things because of my insecurities and problems.
I don't want things to be over for good, just breathing space to get sorted I think

Get rid of this man and your depression will improve immensely. Your problem is that you are married to an abuser.
Have a chat with Women's Aid, who will be able to advise you on finance etc and the safest and surest way to end the marriage.
Nothing is going to improve while this man is living with you.

How guilty am I of making things hard for him though?