I'm trying so fucking hard, why won't he?!

[Faerieinatoadstool]

We have a lot of problems, I have depression and anxiety which I constantly fight to overcome and dh's natural state seems to be arrogant, closed minded and stressed to the point it is completely destroying us.
I have taken steps (ads, cbt, improving diet, doing more exercise etc) to help with my problems and I am improving a lot but he is doing bugger all differently even though we discuss what he can try and he agrees.
I feel like it's me coming up with ideas, motivation and therapy and he is doing no more than occasional token effort.
Just wanted to rant really because it's so bloody frustrating!

Step back from the ideas of fault, guilt and blame. 'Who started it' is not particularly relevant. Bottom line is that things aren't working, everyone's unhappy and your enthusiasm to improve the relationship is not matched by him. You're in the realms of 'growing apart', 'irreconcilable differences', 'incompatibility' etc. Think in those terms rather than you making his life difficult.

Can we grow back together and fix things though?
I don't like giving up and he says he still loves me, he is just struggling and needs to sort himself out

No is the answer to that question you posed.

Its not working full stop is it?. What you've tried has basically tied you up in knots whilst he has and continues to really do nothing to maintain the relationship.

Why are you together at all?. If it was not for your child would you be still with him?.

Do you have rescuer and or saving tendencies; if you do these really need to be reigned in because they are doing you no favours at all.

No, because only one of you is interested in doing that.

Your relationship is dead in the water. It makes me so sad to hear of women medicating themselves to try to fix the pain of being in a horrible, soul destroying domestic set up.

You could potentially grow back together. But saying he loves you isn't the same as loving you. Waiting until he has sorted himself out is vague. You could still be waiting for that twenty years from now. It may never happen.

One of my favourite quotes is from Yoda in Empire Strikes Back. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

One partner is drinking, one partner is depressed, it doesn't sound like either of you is especially happy.

Awhile ago on a completely different thread Cogito I think it was said something like, if you feel lonely and unloved it probably means you're lonely and unloved. How old is DS? Did you start drifting apart before he arrived or since his birth? If H were writing now, what do you think he would say? "I can't help but be drunk, nasty, pooing, and my natural disposition is to be arrogant and close minded" - if he is floundering unable to deal with your depression I still don't think that justifies this sort of behaviour.

Respect and thoughtfulness improve intimacy. Little gestures of love can make a huge difference to how you and a partner get along. If this all stopped long ago I am not sure counselling together is going to solve anything.

respect and thoughtfulness improve intimacy

Yes! That's the aim!

He has seen so much of me being rubbish that he is kind of desensitized to it.

His dad is far worse and he doesn't want to end up like him but I think he just feels overwhelmed and his way to cope is to switch off.

He doesn't drink often (he says I won't let him) so when he does he overdoes it.

In some ways he has improved with his anger and rarely breaks things and he is trying not to insult me when we argue (he didn't do either last night, but was still calling me stupid and patheticon new year).
I know it sounds bad but most of the time it's just neutral and he could have walked out rather than commit on several occasions.

I think part of it is he just genuinely doesn't know how to do all of this sort of thing

It does sound to me as though you are both under a great deal of pressure.
It also sounds as though you care about him and you believe he cares about you.

Any chance of leaving your DS with the grandparents and getting away for a weekend? It does wonders for a marriage.

He does not want to walk out because he gets what he wants out of this i.e you to control. He therefore likes having you around because you put up with seemingly any and all poor behaviour from him. As you also have put up with so much rubbish from him as well, I am wondering where your own tipping point is.

Why are you both together?. I do not think you can really answer that.

You write that his dad is far worse; are you really surprised?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at the examples his parents set him. What did you learn?. Your DH cannot or will not change and you cannot force another person to change.

What do you want for your son?. Surely better than this?.

I am wondering as well re his breaking things; I bet his own stuff does not get broken, just your things.

He does care, he sorts out lots of practical things that he knows I would struggle with, he just isn't very good at emotions.
Ds is already better at understanding and expressing feelings than dh

In some ways he has improved with his anger and rarely breaks things and he is trying not to insult me when we argue

Oh hooray for him. This man definitely deserves to have a loving and involved partner in his life.

Faerie, is is this really what you are willing to settle for?

OP, the fact that he rarely breaks things, tries not to insult you, and only shits the place whilst drunk infrequently, are not plus points. Those things are appalling. It wouldn't even occur to me that my Dh would do any of those things, ever, end of story.

If the only things you can come up with to recommend him are things that would be absolutely unacceptable examples of abuse that others would leave someone for, then I worry about how capable you are at understanding how appalling he is, and how your relationship is not only coming to an end, but should be over.

I don't think I'm ready for it to be over and I wouldn't know the first thing about coping.

I just want things to be alright and I have to believe that it's possible

I know, it's hard: it means overturning almost everything you believe and have come to rely on. It's heart-wrenching.

But there are so many women on MN, myself included, who can tell you how very much alright - and indeed so much better - things got once we left our abusive partners. I hope you can come to believe that that is possible.

It keeps coming back to settling for less. We are brought up to think nothing that is worth having is easy or free. Does that mean we should lump negative or destructive behaviour because of the rare day we have a calm spell and can breathe easier.

With regard to DS I do think you should examine how much sinks in and how soon he will pick up on the atmosphere at home and what imprinting (I don't know how else to put it) will affect his own relationships later on.

It is fair of you to say H has his strengths and good points. He has stayed and not just walked out on you and DS. That could of course just be because he had nowhere to go and is afraid to look at his own moods and mindset. You don't mention any physical abuse though breaking stuff can be intimidating. Bit scraping the barrel though if he has only just controlled his temper long enough to stop insulting you and breaking stuff.