How to understand whether it is him or me - confused!!!

[MrsRudolph]

I will try to be concise, but I'm really not sure what bits of this might be relevant to someone who might be able to help me understand what is going on here:

I've been married to dh for 8 years. We have four children, 7,4,3 and 1. Dh works full-time, I work one day a week, and look after the children the rest of the time, he looks after the children on the day I work. He is a fantastic Dad - loving, patient, kind, understanding etc. He is great with the children - and he is a lovely husband too. When we got together I thought he was my soul-mate - we could talk about everything, understood each other, everything was good. We lived together for a year, then got married, then pretty much ever since then have been having children - we knew we wanted four, and have been so lucky that we've been able to have our wonderful family.

All good so far but. Big but: There are some issues which seem to be growing out of control. When I met dh I realised that he was very shy and awkward in social situations, and the early part of our relationship was quite fraught because he was very jealous, very suspicious etc. I reassured him constantly, and went through a lot of very big arguments, trying to get him to see that I wasn't going to go off with every man I spoke to. At the time I put this down to two different people ironing out different expectations, and once we were married we both seemed more secure and happy. I felt dh had made a lot of progress - whereas he had been quite stuck in his ways, he tried new things, and changed jobs, did things to stop him being unhappy and developed a much more positive outlook. He has had a strange upbringing with parents who were very critical and still don't really treat him like an adult. They tend to force his hand with emotional blackmail a lot of the time, and although he has become more assertive, he generally doesn't want to rock the boat. He has always had suspicions that he is somewhere on the Autistic spectrum - the social anxiety, routines, inability to read behind what someone is saying and taking things unbelievably literally.

Of late all the things that used to help our relationship along - kindness, support, consideration, lots of hugs and affection - seem to have evaporated. Now I find myself asking questions all the time because I feel he is distant and disinterested, hoping for reassurance, but getting none. The other day we had a huge argument. I was upset because he has always been so careful with money, so that we have precise budgets and I keep spreadsheets and all kinds of systems to ensure we keep on track at his behest. I was in debt when we met, and pretty hopeless with money, but I learnt from him how to be a bit more savvy, and now feel a lot of pressure to manage the household budget because we have a big family and not a huge income. We had the argument because it seemed to me he was becoming more materialistic, wanting things that he has previously shown no interest in - feeling pressure to keep up with people at work. In the past we have both agreed that we can't afford to 'fritter' money away, so it was quite a turnaround, and I explained that I found it particularly hard to take as I had painstakingly changed my approach to money in response to his behaviour... I felt threatened, and spelled out to him that I understood a person could change their view, but it felt like if you could change your outlook on something like that, perhaps you'd change your outlook on other aspects of your life too - namely your marriage. I had to spell it out, because he doesn't 'understand' if you just say it makes you feel insecure. He said, and I quote, "I'm sorry if you feel upset, but I can't help it if you feel threatened by my change in views". His tone was vile, he spat the words out at me, but he thought that constituted an apology. These kind of encounters are now commonplace. Our good friends, a couple he has known for slightly longer than me, had some bad news at the weekend. One of the couple's father died suddenly and unexpectedly. I texted the friend to say how sorry I was and asked if there was anything I could do. He said he was supporting his Mum and would be researching how to arrange a funeral. I sent him a link to an article I'd read in a newspaper recently about funerals - how to make an awful process a little less awful. He appreciated the article, thanked me for it, and I then asked if he wanted me to let our mutual friends know about his loss. He said yes, so I contacted them all to fill them in. At each point in this conversation I had to fill dh in, because I knew he'd be annoyed if he thought I was doing this 'behind his back'. Then he went up the wall because I contacted five friends, but one of them was one he particularly wanted to tell. He said he was upset because I had not understood why he wanted to tell that specific person. I didn't understand, and felt annoyed that a genuine attempt to help a friend going through an unimaginably bad time had become yet another reason to criticise and undermine me. I tried to stand up for myself, saying that he could have contacted his friend and asked how he could have helped, but it was not in his nature to do that. He felt that I should have understood that he would have wanted to tell his friend (it feels ridiculous as I write it down).

Yesterday, by the by, when he was walking the children back from school and I was at work, our 4 year old hid out of sight, and dh panicked, and couldn't find him. This hasn't happened to him before, and he rang me in panic at work. I had managers in my office and was in the middle of something, but as soon as I heard he couldn't find our son I was in panic too. The phone cut off, and I rang and rang for 15 minutes, then he rang me back and said he'd found him. By this time I was on my way home, leaving work and just running out of the building. By the time I got home I tried to piece together what had been going on without criticising dh - I know these things happen, and realise it could just have easily happened 'on my watch'. He said he had panicked, felt awful, scared etc. I said I knew how he felt - ds had run off from the school playground when I was heavily pregnant and the seconds where I couldn't see him I felt terror, so tried to reassure him that it happens, we'll talk to ds about the seriousness of it, but alls well that ends well. Dh seemed intent on going on about it though - and somehow it became my fault, I'm not sure how - I lose track of it all!

Anyway - incredibly long story. Over 7 years I increasingly find myself exhausted looking after 4 children, trying to work, and trying to understand dh. I've become increasingly isolated, and my confidence has taken a huge hit. Dh constantly says I'm not coping and need to do something about it. I went to the gp two months ago and started anti-anxiety medication which has helped considerably. I know feel sufficiently 'together' to start running, and have started swimming with friends, and feel loads better in many respects. I'm trying to listen to what people tell me - that I need some 'me' time instead of putting family first all the time, and I'm trying to calm down and not race around trying to make everything right all the time. I know dh is under pressure. He works hard, he doesn't have a social life as his friends live a distance away. I don't mean to paint him as an ogre - its just that I don't understand how to communicate with him any more. He has gone to work today fuming with me, sulking and not speaking because he is upset that I told our mutual friend some bad news to help out another friend. We will have to discuss this later so that I can understand why he is upset. At the time he said he wanted to give me examples to help me understand why he was upset. I said I was sorry that he was upset, but I genuinely hadn't understood and in no way wanted to cause him upset. I don't know what else to do. Am I being too quick to apologise and bend to his way of thinking, or am I being completely unreasonable and not unsympathetic? I always feel like I'm making a huge effort. He knows I'm going through a rough time with my mental health, yet he says it is hard on him too. I don't doubt that it is - but he can never say something positive, be cheerful, encouraging etc. He says it is not in his nature and can't give me the reinforcement I am seeking.... arghhhh sorry I've gone on for too long. I just wondered if someone out there could give any advice as to whether I am being a horrible wife without realising it, or whether I should be more assertive? Many, many, many thanks :)

MrsRudolph: I have read all your post and all I can think is how busy and stressful life must be with four children.

Although money doesn't guarantee happiness life is easier with enough money not to have to worry about paying bills and having a bit spare.
I think you are both stressed with life and money, but that is no excuse for DH to be vile.

Best wishes to you all.

You are not horrible at all.
The example with the friend and the funeral is bizarre. No wonder you are tired if you have arguments for suchthings.

The second example. If i lost a child i would bloody search for the child and ask the people around me to help, i wouldnt call the other parent who is at work!

Sorry i cant offer any help, i just wanted to tell you that you are not the one with the problem.

I agree with paxtecum, just sounds like life is getting on top of you both!

I think it's amazing you're still together with 4 kids it must be really stressful and sounds like you're doing a brilliant job! Do you ever get the time to do something just the two of you where you can sit and discuss your issues etc?

Hmm not really brussles... both families are sort of friendly on the surface but not greatly helpful in terms of looking after the children. I realise it is a big ask - they are a handful. We go out perhaps a couple of times a year which is better than it has been for a while. I think while I was struggling with anxiety I didn't really think about it as I had no motivation and was constantly tired, but now I feel more energy and would like to do more things. Some friends are all going camping, but dh said he wouldn't go because I get worked up with the children and they'd all hear. I do get anxious, but I love our friends and they understand - its no big deal. I considered going with just a couple of the kids on my own, but then I don't want to start a life where I do things without him all of the time. For the past 8 years we've been to the same place on holiday and each time we argue because I feel we should do something different. I don't find it relaxing because I have to work so hard cooking and cleaning, but dh says I won't cope with the anxiety of a new place. I wonder if it is him that won't cope, or whether I would find it difficult and he genuinely is worried about how I will manage. I've lost all perspective here, just so confused!

He is the one who cant cope with a new place and he is anxious about other people 'will hear'.

But as much as I think it myself - that I am just a normal person trying hard to do the right thing, he totally believes it about himself, and thinks I'm the unreasonable one. These arguments are so destructive because I don't know whether I am coming or going.

This thing about him refusing to go camping because you would get anxious and people would hear sounds like a red flag and a bit of an excuse to me.

A) they are friends, who cares if they hear you getting anxious?
B) it sounds like he is trying to put you down by painting you as a killjoy when he doesn't actually know how you are going to react
C) if you do get anxious he should be supportive to you and try to help you through it, not sulk about it.

Could this actually be about his paranoia about you seeing friends, rather than this supposed anxiety?

Sorry you are going through this: I think you need to challenge him on this critical and suspicious behaviour rather than trying to second guess it.

It does sound as if both of you have a lot on your plate and are stressed but that's no excuse for the way he is treating you.

Yes agree with laquitar, he should not be discouraging you from doing things like camping with friends, it is making your self doubt worse. He may be trying to protect you but it's unhelpful. I think you need more time together to discuss these things properly and get beyond his superficial assertions.

He sounds like hard work

I'd be finding a way of getting a break from him it all for a few days if it were me in your position. Breathing space and time for dh to realise just exactly what you are coping with week in week out.

People with social anxieties etc are one thing, but he sounds more jealous and dressing it up as other things. Exhausting.

I agree with desperately, he is projecting his reluctance to go camping onto you and possibly also his anxiety about other things - the phoning around, losing a child all ending up being your fault.
Keep being assertive and don't back down but keep talking, life will get easier as your children grow up

Do you have to accept what he says? For example - you find your current holiday routine hard work because you self cater and do all the work. You fancy a different kind of holiday. He says no, because you 'won't cope'. Why is that the end of the discussion? Your next statement surely is 'well, I don't want a repeat of last years holiday and I want to try XYZ - let me worry about whether or not I'll get anxious. I fancy ABC (show details of holiday you've researched).' It's odd that he's hiding behind what he paints as your issues - but you can refuse to let him!

Why are you working so hard cooking and cleaning on holiday? If you are self catering, I see why there's cooking - but not that much cleaning - and anyway, DH will be able to help with both won't he???

The cooking and cleaning - its just the way I refer to my usual chores, I don't really mean cleaning on holiday. We go self catering, and I usually end up doing two loads of washing per day, 'preparing' the breakfast - bowls out for 6, porridge prepared in pan for 2, cereal for everyone else, toast for six, juice, plates/bowls etc laid out, then everything away afterwards, dishwasher loaded, pan cleaned, washing in washing machine, bag packed for the day, changing back re-stocked, baby bib etc and beakers of water for children packed, changes of clothes for children, raincoats etc (you know how it is) then picnic made, car loaded up, then the best bit for me - the car journey to the beach/park etc when everyone is strapped in and there is nothing for me to do. Then arrive on beach, unload all the towels/windbreak etc, give out picnic stuff, breastfeed baby, walk baby up and down in buggy until sleeping, deal with meltdowns etc then load up car, after several nappy changes, home via supermarket when I'll inevitably forget crucial ingredient for meal, prepare meal for 6, bath the four children, breastfeed baby, clean down kitchen, sort out dry clothes from line/dryer, return toys/books/clothes to appropriate place... by the time I sit down on holiday it is 8.30pm-9pm. In this time dh would be furious if I said he did 'nothing' as he is playing with the children, rockpooling, going for a run, holding the baby etc.

Year after year I've made the same complaint - that the holiday format doesn't work for me. Not to mention the monumental stress of packing up to go/come home, getting everything for everyone and so forth. Dh will do set jobs like check the tyres on the car, fit the roof box etc.

Last year I felt it was the last straw. I've had these type of holidays four times now while pregnant, four times with a small baby, and much as I love the area we visit, I've had enough. Dh has said we should do something that I'd find relaxing, but all inclusive hotels are out of the question price-wise, so I thought going camping/France - mobile home type holiday would be a good idea. I thought having activities for the children on hand, and not having to 'go out for the day' with all the work involved would be great. He said it is too much of a risk - I'd probably hate it and be stressed, and they would all suffer. We have had the discussion ad infinitum, but he says I get aggressive presenting my arguments for these camping holidays. I show him brochures, ask him to look at the facilities etc, and this is being aggressive. I've done the research so he can see costs etc, but he maintains it would be too difficult.

A big source of problems is that he firmly believes he is genuinely doing the right thing, trying to help me. He does care - he is not being deliberately hurtful, and seems to be finding it stressful with me being so anxious. I just feel like I've had enough - having our fourth baby and moving house 3 weeks later was the most exhausting thing ever, and no matter how many times I ask for help I always get it wrong. If I state what jobs need doing I'm either nagging, being patronising, or not taking account of his jobs, like mowing the lawn or ironing. It is not that I do everything, it is just that he thinks it is a 50:50 split and I don't. I've effectively given up my career to support the family, and he doesn't see this. He feels that he is having to work really hard and work long hours so that he can compress his hours and look after the children one day per week. He worries about money, and about doing the best thing for the children. He genuinely works hard - but at other times appears lazy to me. Every night he has to 'wind down' watching rubbish on the internet and browsing endlessly while I'm doing all the usual chores. After he has wound down he will then set about washing dishes, then ironing, and will come to bed late. He will then get up late, and insist on going for a run, so no help with the children at breakfast time, and then be late in to work so late home, so no help with the children at tea/bath time. It is a vicious circle, and he moves at such a slow pace. If I ask him to speed up, I'm nagging. He takes 17 minutes in the shower (I've timed him!). I have long hair, and have a shower, wash and dry my hair, get dressed, have breakfast, breastfeed the baby and leave the house in under an hour on my work day. He gets up at 6am, and swans along doing his own thing, leaving the house two hours later, convinced that I've made him late because I can't cope with all the childrens' tantrums. He cannot change this routine. Even at the weekend when we were off to visit friends some distance away, he was late up, then went for an hour run, then set about having a lengthy breakfast (I'd just grab a piece of toast, but he has grapefruit, then cereal, then toast) and we were then late arriving, and I mean over an hour late for lunch!! Which makes me really anxious!! We also had an argument in front of these friends which makes me cringe. With the four children all constantly needing the toilet and nappies changing etc, I figured I'd made about 4 trips to the bathroom with different combinations of them. When the three year old needed to go (again!) I said he should go this time. He refused, and said she'd be alright on her own. She wasn't used to the steep stairs in our friends house, and wouldn't be sure of where the bathroom was. I explained this, but he said she'd be fine. While we were arguing, our friend took our dd upstairs, which was so embarrassing, so I had to follow her up to take dd to the loo. Dh has this way of making me feel that it is me - if I weren't so anxious I would go with the flow, I shouldn't be pulling him into my anxiety if that makes sense. When it is my work day I've tried telling him the things that need doing, but he says that they are just my priorities, I have to let him do things his way. Fair enough, but every time I come in from work I then have to put washing away, tidy toys, sort out school bags and do all the things that I'd generally do while he is at work. His answer would be that I don't have to do them. But someone has to. I've spent 7 years working out the best ways to cope with the demands of our large family, and I know we've made our bed and have to lie on it, but I feel like I'm swimming against the tide with no support. He probably feels the same, and feels like I'm impossible to live with because I'm always shouting, I am negative about the things that he does (because he doesn't do them right, or doesn't do them) and I nag and tell him what to do. I love him - but it really isn't going very well at the moment!!

I think that just confirms it - its definitely him.

I really would go off for a weekend with two of the children and leave him to it and see how he gets on. He has the time for a run for him and a 17 min shower (I don't think I've ever managed one that takes that long) then leaves you to it - and then has to 'wind down' when he gets home??? DH and I only have one child - however, quite often the person that has been looking after DS will 'hand over' to the other directly the other gets in from work (and go and take the dog for a walk or make the supper - but away from DS).

I can completely understand why you don't want to do self catering when its like that. We go self catering - but there are fewer children and DH actually shares the 'work' rather than just picking all the good stuff! It actually sounds to me as though you should stay at home (on your own) and leave him to have the holiday that he thinks is a holiday on his own and see how he likes having to do all the stuff that you do rather than the bits he deigns to 'help out' with.

But every time I tell him this, he seems genuinely hurt, upset, can't believe I have such a low opinion of him, sulks etc, and I end up apologising for not understanding him. He has convinced himself he has some sort of autistic spectrum disorder, and since that point in time I think he justifies his intransigent behaviour as being part of a condition that I should accommodate. I'd love to know if he does have something because it might help me understand what to do. But I worry it is an excuse. But then am I just being unsympathetic!!

Sounds like you've got 5 kids to me.

Feels like it at times Teeny, and some people in rl seem to think it too, but he is adamant that he is working so hard, and trying so hard, and has the very best intentions, and wants to be a good father and husband. If he were writing on this forum he'd probably give you a good argument for how he works endlessly and I'm deranged, nagging him constantly to get out of the shower, chasing him up about things he hasn't done around the house, with a constant stream of negativity. He encourages me to go out, he acknowledges that I am 'down' and need to make changes. When I first went to the GP I spent an hour locked away in the kitchen sewing (my chosen 'me time' activity) which dh supported and encouraged, but since then I haven't managed it once. My 'me time' turned into going to the supermarket, or to get a birthday present for a party dd was going to. Am I just being a doormat then?

Um... He is taking the piss. That holiday you describe... Doesn't sound like a holiday to me. He sounds as though he is projecting issues on you. If he was truly supportive he would support you to go camping with friends, or even realize that you also need a rest on holiday!!

Of course he objects and sulks. How dare you object to the life he has set up the way he wants it set up! How dare you suggest that him playing with the kids whilst on holiday is not a good holiday (for him) or that the fact that he's doing things with the kids means other stuff doesn't get done (by him) and that you have to do it as a result. OK, so he's not doing nothing, but really he's not pulling his weight. Partnership in marriage is sharing the duff bits as well as the fun bits, and not picking and choosing which bits you do - just mucking in to make sure that the two of you do everything that needs doing as a team in a reasonable way.

Have a think about how the weekends are split - work out who is spending time doing chores (like cleaning, shopping) and who is doing recreational activities (with or without the children - if its something you'd like doing, even wtih the children in tow, its recreational!). I bet if you worked it out, you would be doing the lion's share of the 'work' and he would be doing most of the 'play' even if he dresses it up as 'looking after the children'.

I found work to be a 'break' from looking after DS

I read your 'holiday' and it reminds me if what I usually say about holidays - it's the same old stuff that you usually do each day, just in a different place. Four kids sounds really really hard and for what it's worth it's sounds like you are doing a stellar job. Once your baby isn't breast feeding anymore .. You really should take yourself off and hook up with an old mate for the weekend. One weekend a month!

He is projecting his anxieties onto you & you end up apologising for them. Just read your own posts back.

Take a day off, leave him with your workload & see how he gets on.

The funeral issue over contacting friends is utterly ridiculous & I would be furious that he has turned a favour into bat to beat you with. Ask him to buy you a crystal ball & then you won't make any more mistakes when trying to read his mind!

I see what you are saying Holdthepage, but he has the children one day a week, and does things 'his way'. He thinks that my 'standards are too high' i.e. I try to keep the house clean and tidy, write in the childrens' reading records, sort out their school bags, keep on top of the washing etc. He will do the 'basics' - make the tea for the children, put a load of washing in, but the rest - the putting stuff away, the cleaning, the tidying - essential in my view to be done before the start of the next day otherwise you start on the back foot, he argues that that is 'my choice' to do, and I shouldn't add to his stress by making him do these jobs. We moved into the house we are in over 12 months ago and he has never cleaned the bathroom, never cleaned the kitchen, he has pushed the hoover round literally twice, but he will say that he does work hard - he cleans the children's shoes, he irons for everyone, he washing up the dishes that don't go in the dishwasher. He feels over-reached with the things he has to do. I feel the same. We've gone through it so many times. I itemise everything I do. He thinks I'm over the top. He says I don't appreciate what he does. He gets so hurt when I say that he isn't doing enough.

Last night, as expected, he wantedto have the discussion about the flipping friend he particularly wanted to tell the bad news to. I said basically I understood he was upset, and was sorry he was upset, but I didn't feel I needed to understand the reasons behind it. He was upset, that was that. I said often I'm upset about things, and he doesn't understand the reasons why. That is life, suck it up. He was horrified, and said he was hurt that I didn't want to understand why he was upset. I said if it made him feel better he should tell me the reason - why was it such a big deal? He refused to go into it, because he said it would turn into a huge argument.

Immediately prior to this ds had been having a meltdown, and I was trying to deal with this while simultaneously trying to take an important phone call from my mum - my Dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and is having surgery in the next few weeks. He started rolling his eyes at the fact I was on the phone... When I say that I could do without that kind of behaviour, some support would be good, he says that if I were in his shoes I would do it to. I say, I can't possibly comment on how I would respond if I were him and he were me and the positions were reversed. Then he says it is me being critical of him, and complaining and being angry, when in actual fact I feel that he is so angry at me over everything I do, and I'm fed up of it. His answer to this was to list all the things I had done since Monday which he hadn't been angry about. I said that was a pointless thing to do, as they were just random things (like go to the supermarket, go running) - a lot of my behaviours are modified because I know I will be criticised if I don't do things a certain way. So yes, he wasn't angry about me going to the supermarket because I'd taken an itemised list, compared prices, and painstakingly tried to get things that are nutritious and healthy within budget. If I had decided to get a couple of ready meals to help on the nights this week that children are in late from school etc, to help me to 'survive' the week, he would have again rolled his eyes, huffed and puffed and generally criticise what I had done. When I try to discuss things with him, I get so frustrated because he never understands, but is an absolute master at making me feel that it is me who is crazy/anxious/obnoxious/impossible to please. There is no doubt that I am stressed, and do have issues with anxiety, but the treatment is working well, I am coping better, and am taking active steps to try to get some balance and perspective. I just don't know how to deal with this particular issue. Everything I try - I just end up feeling more frustrated. I genuinely believe I am infinitely patient with him, and support e.g. his career (if he has to travel, or work late, or be 'on call' etc I look after the children as needed, and accept that this is part of life - I support him doing a course to further his career, or suggest ways he could socialise with work colleagues etc) but he continually thinks I am unsupportive and critical. There is no doubt I get frustrated with minor things - he leaves his shoes in the hall, he leaves his clothes on the floor, he takes long showers, he butters toast in the air rather than on a plate so crumbs go everywhere, he doesn't tidy up. He doesn't know where things are. I know these things are the kind of things that all marriages have, they are not a big deal, but obviously I'm going to say when certain things repeatedly cause me more work. I always say that I can see that some things are more important than others, like with children - pick your battles. So I turn a blind eye to trainers at the kitchen door, front door, in the hallway, slippers left in the middle of the floor etc, but ask him to hurry up out of the shower so that we are not late to visit friends, and so there is some hot water left. He, he will 'launch' at me for what I consider to be trivial things, and make me feel like rubbish. For example a couple of weeks ago on Saturday evening, we're having a take-away, I dash out to the co-op to get something nice for dessert. I forget to bring cream back with me. He lectures at me that he has told me so many times that he wants cream with his dessert. I am not bothered, it is not a big deal, but he says how can he get me to understand. I say I am only human, I make mistakes, I forget things. He feels it is wrong and dismissive of his views. It spoils the dessert for him if he doesn't have cream with it. I think ffs, its not as if I've crashed the car or lost thousands of pounds on the stock exchange (both of which he has done) - but he treats every 'misdemeanour' in the same way. I remember once dashing around Tesco to grab things we needed, returning to the car and getting a dressing down because I hadn't spent bang on £40 so couldn't use a money off voucher. I explain I was rushing because the children were waiting in the car, I haven't got a calculator in my head, does it really matter that we haven't saved £5 or whatever. He says every penny counts. I could go on - as you can probably tell. It is cathartic writing it down, and I do realise that I sound like an utter fool, but as I say, if he wrote a post on here saying that his wife is critical, expects too much, is a nightmare to live with, shouts at the children, is tired and stressed all the time... I'm sure people would support his view and say that I was the one being unreasonable. I just don't know how to make him understand that I really am trying to make this marriage work, but can't keep going like this.

Oh dear you really did need to vent didn't you! Well feel free, that's what we are here for among other things .

Lets check I've got this right. In summary you both have slightly different standards or ways of looking at things regarding various aspects of life. When you don't fit in with HIS standards you are crap, inconsiderate, useless etc. When he doesn't fit in with YOUR standards, again that's your fault because your standards aren't valid - because they aren't the same as his.

So HIS view is the one that matters, and you just have to fit in around how he wants things. I'm wondering just how much of your anxiety is due to having to fit in with his demands?

Agreed - I am really not surprised that you suffer with anxiety given that you can be picked up on any little thing and a mountain is made out of it. Re the telling the friend about the death - completely and utterly unreasonable - your H shouldn't be thinking of himself at that time at all - anything that helps the bereaved person is what needs to be done and wtf does it matter if its you or him that tells a joint friend? What right does he have to tell you that you shouldn't have told him?

that sounds about right allergic - all I can ever do is try to get things 'right' to avoid the criticism, and try to get him to help me to avoid me getting completely exhausted, but I can't really live like this. I can't tread on egg shells and predict what are the things that are going to be 'the' things that cause such annoyance/anger, and what are the things that are going to be 'ok' - not that I'll get any positive reinforcement/thanks etc for them. And I can't do everything myself. His answer would be just don't do it then. Thanks for listening, it means so much to me :)