I will try to be concise, but I'm really not sure what bits of this might be relevant to someone who might be able to help me understand what is going on here:
I've been married to dh for 8 years. We have four children, 7,4,3 and 1. Dh works full-time, I work one day a week, and look after the children the rest of the time, he looks after the children on the day I work. He is a fantastic Dad - loving, patient, kind, understanding etc. He is great with the children - and he is a lovely husband too. When we got together I thought he was my soul-mate - we could talk about everything, understood each other, everything was good. We lived together for a year, then got married, then pretty much ever since then have been having children - we knew we wanted four, and have been so lucky that we've been able to have our wonderful family.
All good so far but. Big but: There are some issues which seem to be growing out of control. When I met dh I realised that he was very shy and awkward in social situations, and the early part of our relationship was quite fraught because he was very jealous, very suspicious etc. I reassured him constantly, and went through a lot of very big arguments, trying to get him to see that I wasn't going to go off with every man I spoke to. At the time I put this down to two different people ironing out different expectations, and once we were married we both seemed more secure and happy. I felt dh had made a lot of progress - whereas he had been quite stuck in his ways, he tried new things, and changed jobs, did things to stop him being unhappy and developed a much more positive outlook. He has had a strange upbringing with parents who were very critical and still don't really treat him like an adult. They tend to force his hand with emotional blackmail a lot of the time, and although he has become more assertive, he generally doesn't want to rock the boat. He has always had suspicions that he is somewhere on the Autistic spectrum - the social anxiety, routines, inability to read behind what someone is saying and taking things unbelievably literally.
Of late all the things that used to help our relationship along - kindness, support, consideration, lots of hugs and affection - seem to have evaporated. Now I find myself asking questions all the time because I feel he is distant and disinterested, hoping for reassurance, but getting none. The other day we had a huge argument. I was upset because he has always been so careful with money, so that we have precise budgets and I keep spreadsheets and all kinds of systems to ensure we keep on track at his behest. I was in debt when we met, and pretty hopeless with money, but I learnt from him how to be a bit more savvy, and now feel a lot of pressure to manage the household budget because we have a big family and not a huge income. We had the argument because it seemed to me he was becoming more materialistic, wanting things that he has previously shown no interest in - feeling pressure to keep up with people at work. In the past we have both agreed that we can't afford to 'fritter' money away, so it was quite a turnaround, and I explained that I found it particularly hard to take as I had painstakingly changed my approach to money in response to his behaviour... I felt threatened, and spelled out to him that I understood a person could change their view, but it felt like if you could change your outlook on something like that, perhaps you'd change your outlook on other aspects of your life too - namely your marriage. I had to spell it out, because he doesn't 'understand' if you just say it makes you feel insecure. He said, and I quote, "I'm sorry if you feel upset, but I can't help it if you feel threatened by my change in views". His tone was vile, he spat the words out at me, but he thought that constituted an apology. These kind of encounters are now commonplace. Our good friends, a couple he has known for slightly longer than me, had some bad news at the weekend. One of the couple's father died suddenly and unexpectedly. I texted the friend to say how sorry I was and asked if there was anything I could do. He said he was supporting his Mum and would be researching how to arrange a funeral. I sent him a link to an article I'd read in a newspaper recently about funerals - how to make an awful process a little less awful. He appreciated the article, thanked me for it, and I then asked if he wanted me to let our mutual friends know about his loss. He said yes, so I contacted them all to fill them in. At each point in this conversation I had to fill dh in, because I knew he'd be annoyed if he thought I was doing this 'behind his back'. Then he went up the wall because I contacted five friends, but one of them was one he particularly wanted to tell. He said he was upset because I had not understood why he wanted to tell that specific person. I didn't understand, and felt annoyed that a genuine attempt to help a friend going through an unimaginably bad time had become yet another reason to criticise and undermine me. I tried to stand up for myself, saying that he could have contacted his friend and asked how he could have helped, but it was not in his nature to do that. He felt that I should have understood that he would have wanted to tell his friend (it feels ridiculous as I write it down).
Yesterday, by the by, when he was walking the children back from school and I was at work, our 4 year old hid out of sight, and dh panicked, and couldn't find him. This hasn't happened to him before, and he rang me in panic at work. I had managers in my office and was in the middle of something, but as soon as I heard he couldn't find our son I was in panic too. The phone cut off, and I rang and rang for 15 minutes, then he rang me back and said he'd found him. By this time I was on my way home, leaving work and just running out of the building. By the time I got home I tried to piece together what had been going on without criticising dh - I know these things happen, and realise it could just have easily happened 'on my watch'. He said he had panicked, felt awful, scared etc. I said I knew how he felt - ds had run off from the school playground when I was heavily pregnant and the seconds where I couldn't see him I felt terror, so tried to reassure him that it happens, we'll talk to ds about the seriousness of it, but alls well that ends well. Dh seemed intent on going on about it though - and somehow it became my fault, I'm not sure how - I lose track of it all!
Anyway - incredibly long story. Over 7 years I increasingly find myself exhausted looking after 4 children, trying to work, and trying to understand dh. I've become increasingly isolated, and my confidence has taken a huge hit. Dh constantly says I'm not coping and need to do something about it. I went to the gp two months ago and started anti-anxiety medication which has helped considerably. I know feel sufficiently 'together' to start running, and have started swimming with friends, and feel loads better in many respects. I'm trying to listen to what people tell me - that I need some 'me' time instead of putting family first all the time, and I'm trying to calm down and not race around trying to make everything right all the time. I know dh is under pressure. He works hard, he doesn't have a social life as his friends live a distance away. I don't mean to paint him as an ogre - its just that I don't understand how to communicate with him any more. He has gone to work today fuming with me, sulking and not speaking because he is upset that I told our mutual friend some bad news to help out another friend. We will have to discuss this later so that I can understand why he is upset. At the time he said he wanted to give me examples to help me understand why he was upset. I said I was sorry that he was upset, but I genuinely hadn't understood and in no way wanted to cause him upset. I don't know what else to do. Am I being too quick to apologise and bend to his way of thinking, or am I being completely unreasonable and not unsympathetic? I always feel like I'm making a huge effort. He knows I'm going through a rough time with my mental health, yet he says it is hard on him too. I don't doubt that it is - but he can never say something positive, be cheerful, encouraging etc. He says it is not in his nature and can't give me the reinforcement I am seeking.... arghhhh sorry I've gone on for too long. I just wondered if someone out there could give any advice as to whether I am being a horrible wife without realising it, or whether I should be more assertive? Many, many, many thanks :)