Jilted at the alter...is there ever an "excuse"?

[ConfusedLady8]

I posted in MI too for a more medical perspective on this, but please ladies can I have an emotional viewpoint on this also. I am so confused.

My DP of 3.5 years and I were in a very happy, loving relationship where I really did feel like I had found my other half. We just got on really well and and enjoyed being together and there was still sparks flying all over the place. He proposed, and our wedding was due to go ahead in October.

In September, he sent me a text to say he was sorry but couldn't go through with the wedding. He moved out of our house and would not see or talk to me to even discuss it. I was completely devastated and still am. I cry all the time and can't seem to let go.

Before this happened, he had previously been kind, thoughtful, unselfish, loving, supportive and dedicated all the time really. I wouldn't have had a bad word to say about him. I had no idea why this happened at the time but I suppose I had presumed there was an OW and I had just been blind to it.

It transpires now, 5 months later, that he has a stress induced nervous breakdown. He was very stressed out in the months before the wedding because my business had failed leaving us with debts and he was worried about the wedding costs. He took on a second job to help with costs and he was tired and frazzled. He's under treatment for a major depressive episode right now.

After treating me like complete crap for 5 months, he has now contacted me and said he is coming out of his depression and realises he made a massive mistake. He said his actions weren't "him".

Does anyone think that being MI is an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care? He wants me to give him another chance.

I am so confused.

Half of me loves him still as much as before, I miss him, I can't imagine being with anyone else and I do believe he has had a breakdown as I know from friends that he has been signed off work and has not really left the house for months. I want to try and remember him as the man I thought he was and I really want that man back in my life.

On the other hand, months have passed, I have started to move on and gained some acceptance and I am terrified of being hurt any more than he has already hurt me. I feel like (MI or not) he did something really unforgivable to me and caused me so much hurt that I feel like I am no longer confident of his feeling towards me and also feel like I don't know him.

Please tell me if how much of a role an illness like this can play in relationships, and if you feel taking him back would be a bad idea. I am very, very confused.

He has said he will fix the humiliation by writing a public letter to all our friends and family to say he had a nervous breakdown and stuff but I still feel embarrassed when I see people. A lot of people don't even know the wedding never happened and they keep congratulating me.

Please help and try and give a balanced view. I am a serial lurker on here and know there is a lot of LTB advocates here, but please consider that we had an otherwise great relationship and I really wanted to marry this man. if there's any way to excuse his behaviour I'd like to do that but don't want to marry a man who doesn't love me as much as I love him.

The reason I am worried about this is because he said and acted also like he didn't love me anymore during this situation!

I get where people are coming from with the 'wait and see' approach - but Confused also needs to be part of his recovery, even if just as a close friend for now. If they are going to get through this, they need to keep communicating. He is going to need to trace back why he feels the need to 'provide' the wedding in this way - how does it relate to his family? Was he always the 'hero' child, having to do the dutiful thing? Does he fear the responsibility of a new role? Lots of hard questions here.

Maybe in any relationship you don't KNOW for sure

Certainly....but it can be wise to hedge your bets. If you wait years to see if it works and it doesn't - then you will need to factor time finding another partner into your plans to have children. You can have children into your 40's of course but not everyone can. An Angelina Jolie can pay for as much IVF as she wants - not the average person though. It just depends on how imperative it is to you.

You ex doesn't even know himself right now. Its hard for you to know him or make any plans to the future.

Well I left it at just asking him to update me on his progress and we are texting, emailing and he is talking about maybe some Skype chats later. At the moment he's really feeling shit and he says he sleeps a lot and finds basic tasks very tiring. I hear it might be another month or two before medication and treatment start taking full effect.

The texts are friendly, sometimes a little flirty I suppose and they end with a "x" but there's no substance to them. No "I miss you" or "I love you"...just stuff like "really glad we're talking x" or "let me know what happens with your interview x" etc.

I have told him already that I would support him and be there for him. I was just wavering on whether this was a wise decision for my own well being.

YES He was the child hero! the big brother. The pride and joy of the family. The achiever. I think that's why financial failure was so shameful for him. Maybe he blamed me at the time

He might be both keeping a little cool on the "i love yous" because he feels so awful; also because he is clearly still not well and he may not be able to cope with saying it.

Could be both together.

"really glad we're talking" sounds extrmeely positive for someone in his mental health situation

He says he is starting to feel positive again Meerka. I know right now he said he loved me when he felt he did, and the fact that he isn't saying it left right and centre is actually a good thing. He said most of the time he feels empty of all emotions so I wouldn't want him to lie.

"Confused also needs to be part of his recovery, even if just as a close friend for now."

How can a woman who says she goes from hating him to loving him, who is so conflicted in her own emotions about him, be a part of helping a man who has just had a mental breakdown recover?

She's not a close friend. She's a broken hearted woman who is already putting way too much pressure on the extremely fragile contact they are having.

good news. it'll be a long hard road to full recovery though, he seems to have gone a long way into the black pit.

People do do it though.

How can a woman who says she goes from hating him to loving him, who is so conflicted in her own emotions about him, be a part of helping a man who has just had a mental breakdown recover?

I keep the hating to myself for now. Even if I decide never to be with him, right now it would be hideous to subject him to my anger. What I do is what the therapist told me to do. Write letters that I never send, chat to my friends, smash a pillow with my fists, cry a lot, go for very long runs (have never been so fit!) and anything else to get it out.

What he gets, when we text, talk or send messages is gentle and friendly support and while I have been honest and told him he hurt me, I did it without any pressure or accusation.

Whatever he has done to me he's a human being in a much more fragile state than me. I know this means putting my needs second for while. I posted the thread really for the purpose of evaluating whether or not that was something I could do.

I do think he needs right now to know I am there as his friend and that he has a hope of mending what he broke.

Of course that puts me in a situation that's risky, but I need to find the balance between trying to keep some sort of boundaries for myself whilst not closing the door on him.

Thankfully he wants very little off me now. No big conversations. No decisions. He just wants to know we still have a hope and that I don't hate him.

Here's something very important to consider, OP: there are other men out there who could be wonderful partners for you. Don't get hung up on bullshit about him being The One as there is no such thing.
From everything you have posted, what stands out is that this man is very good at making it All About Him - this business of making big abject public apologies, for instance. If you restart a relationship with him, you are always going to be in the position of worrying about and managing his moods, and he will always have the power to get his own way by making a sad face and hinting that he might fuck off again.

Nah SolidGold. It's all about him now, but before that he was really selfless and didn't ask for anything. He was just a soft hearted teddy bear really and never tried to get his own way in anything. If anything he needs therapy to be more self orientated and assertive about stuff because all he ever really did was support everyone else. And not just me...friends, family etc. too.

I do know what you mean though, and it may be that there is someone else I could love the same way who hadn't jilted me at the alter and don't think 50% of me doesn't think that's a really attractive prospect.

SGB talks sense. Go on that date OP, see what life outside feels like

OP I have sent you a PM. So sorry to hear about this situation. There have been some very ill-informed comments on here about mental health which makes me sad.

Really? That sounds very idealistic. I can't imagine being okay with that. If you had children and their dad had to "bolt" to deal with his MH who knows when or how often and you were left to do all the not insignificant work of parenting, managing a household financially/physically etc - I don't know many people who would be happy to cope with that while their partner gets treatment for an undetermined amount of time.

That is a ridiculous statement. So everyone with a mental illness will bolt? When he's already said, and it is clinically proven that this happens, that he was not in control of his actions? So he had 'depression' and just 'bolted'? That's offensive to those of us who have to cope with mental illness and makes us all sound feeble-minded. You make it sound like he'll be doing it every week! This is the first time in their relationship such a thing has happened.

If we all look at our actions over our lives, we will find that at least at 1 point we have deeply hurt someone very dear to us. No one is without blame on this. I really feel for OP, it is an awful situation. But we don't know what life will bring us. No one has a ball to see in the future. It is a matter of whether the trust can be rebuilt, with an understanding of the mental illness that lay behind those actions to ensure it never happens again.

What if this was a stroke survivor with a disability? What if this was someone with cancer whose cancer returned? All awful, hideous illnesses which take their toll on the mental and emotional health on everyone involved, not to mention having to exhaust themselves focussing on getting better, where patients have a high chance of going into depression combined with the fact they have the physical side to cope with as well. Should she just walk off then, saying sorry, we can't deal with this the kids and I?

What is the difference? You could be writing about just about any illness on the planet from that sentence. And I've read plenty of stories on mn where dads bolt and they in no way have the 'excuse' of depression.

Anyway OP rather than have a row on your thread as this is too personal a subject for me, I'll disappear and hope you resolve it and find a solution that works for you going forward. All the very best to you and what you decide :)

"He just wants to know we still have a hope and that I don't hate him."

Well I think that's about all you can offer him, so that's OK.

But you were talking earlier about holidays and sex and meeting up soon for cuddles and it all sounded way too much.

If all he needs is the hope that MAYBE... ONE DAY..., then fine. You can do that without too much damage to your own recovery.

But for your own sake, focus on the uncertainty of and do your own healing based on that.

Leave yourself open to meeting someone else as well as to things working out with him.

I think all the texting is dangerous territory, because it can only go on for so long being all innocuous and vaguely supportive.

You said it was worrying that you thought about dating other people, but it's about the most reassuring thing you've said on the thread, to my mind.

YOUR life matters too. You're 32, you want children one day, you have just had your heart broken.

Life your own life and have your own adventures. Don't just wait to see what happens when and if he recovers from this.

I made very similar points earlier livingzuid and got a flaming

Really? That sounds very idealistic. I can't imagine being okay with that. If you had children and their dad had to "bolt" to deal with his MH who knows when or how often and you were left to do all the not insignificant work of parenting, managing a household financially/physically etc - I don't know many people who would be happy to cope with that while their partner gets treatment for an undetermined amount of time.

I know someone whose partner gets depression and this is exactly what he does do, withdraws into his room for weeks or months not coming out and not interacting, it's terrible and she has to cope with the children alone. He is treated, but you don't just get better a few days later.

I have a parent with depression all their lives. I have to say that knowing this, I always said that I wouldn't marry a man who I knew in advance had ongoing MH issues but that if they developed after we married, so be it, we would deal with them. So, doing a runner before the wedding, breakdown or no breakdown, would be a deal-breaker for me.

Livingzuid...I replied to your PM. It was one of the lovliest things I have ever been sent.

Must saw, I am blown away by the support you have all given me today (although I have actually done nothing else all day except read them all and write!) It's amazing that you all give your time to help strangers on the internet and to share such personal information.

Thank you...really...

Not that it's helped me to decide...it has helped me to identify that it;s most certainly possible that this is all based on MI and not reflective of him not loving me as he should have. It's also helped me to identify what steps are the best to take now and it's made me feel like maybe I don;t have to decide this all today which I think is kind of how I was feeling.

Lots of previously strong relationships do break down due to ill health in one partner. It happens all the time. It is often really, REALLY hard to cope with serious illness or disability, however much we like to think we would stick with a partner no matter what happens to them. It's just not realistic to say that you should stick with a partner no matter how much their illness impacts on your own emotional health. I think OP is underestimating how much of a toll this takes on strong relationships, let alone one that has already been fractured. We are not all saints who can put up with uncertainty or pain in a relationship forever.

OP, I said above that my relationship had gone down the pan in a situation like this. I was the person who was ill. And I don't blame my ex for making the decision that he couldn't cope with how I was. He made the right decision for him, and I'm glad he did.

What your ex is doing is actually an extension of the (intended-or-not) cruelty he has already inflicted on you - he's prolonging your uncertainty and pain by dangling this illness in front of you and the hope that you can go back to how things were.

At what point do your feelings start to matter, OP? How much does someone actually have to hurt you before you say "No more"? What would be so wrong with saying, "give it a year and then let's see about dating if you're well and I'm single"? If he's The One, what would be wrong with that?

no, you don't have to decide that at all :) you have all the time you want to decide =)

"What would be so wrong with saying, "give it a year and then let's see about dating if you're well and I'm single"? If he's The One, what would be wrong with that?"

That would certainly fulfil what he is supposedly asking - just that you give him hope that it might happen one day and that you don't hate him.

It also gives both of you space to heal without the pressure of someone in as much pain as you are being expected to "be a part" of HIS healing process.

The thought of a year away from him sounds horrible :(

Do you really think that much time and space might not just give us time to drift apart?

I think if I am "in" and want to make this work, 3 months sounds more reasonable time scale to make that choice. Presuming he is a fair bit better by then, after which I thought maybe talking, dating, therapy as a couple might give us a better chance if it's still what we both want?

I don't want to move on :( I am worried that with too much time and too much space all I might remember is being jilted and treated like crap and I might forget the wonderful that was there before

I also want to be there for him...proper support. At least when he's stable enough

Maybe I am underestimating how long his recovery will take?

He is strong though..and the stresses that brought it on have been removed. The GP said he thought it would be 4 - 5 months before he felt himself again and 1 month has passed?

"Do you really think that much time and space might not just give us time to drift apart?"

Yeah, it might.

But if all you have holding you together is proximity and your fondness for one another can't withstand some time apart for both of you to heal, then what have you got?

"I think if I am "in" and want to make this work..."

I think if you are "in" and wanting to make this work at this point, then you are going to do either yourself, him or both of you a great deal of damage.

It's WAY to soon for being "in". "In" to what?

This is a very sick man in the early stages of recovery.

It will be AT LEAST a year before you get to make any decisions about being "in" and having anything that can be made to work.

This whole thing seems to have come at a very bad time in your own recover because you are seizing on the breakdown as a way of negating all the pain you have felt, as if this explanation can make everything OK and prove that he really loved you all along and there was no problem and you were really meant to be together.

You can't turn back time. You can't make this not have happened.

YOU need to deal with YOUR pain and YOUR disappointment and YOUR hurt.

And you need to do that long before you try to involve yourself in the recovery of a man who is very mentally unwell.

I think you want it to work.

I applaud you for that.

On that basis, my best advice is this. Don't try to help him. Be kind and be his friend, but leave the recovery completely to him. See what he is made of. And I wouldn't hide your anger either. If there's one thing I know that heals, it is to be yourself. Nothing is left festering then. Let him do his stuff and you do yours. Aside from that I would let time pass and see what transpires. X

So everyone with a mental illness will bolt?

Where did I say this? I specifically said up thread that I don't know if OPs partner would do this and that I am not his therapist. However, this man has form for this behaviour and there are people who have recurrent bouts of depression. I think its okay for the OP to explore whether she has the personal commitment and wherewithal to manage this should the issue arise again.

You can have compassion for the person struggling with MH issues and still be honest that it is hard on their partner. Not everyone will be the best personality fit to cope will in that situation.