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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Plesse tell me (although I do know it's not) it's not just me

74 replies

stuckx4 · 15/01/2014 07:04

Apologies in advance, on phone.

Husband went away for a weeks holiday straight after new year. I was not happy for him to be going but he ignored me and went anyway. I was left at home with 3 dc aged 6, 3 and a baby. Oh and a dog with no garden to be let out in. He has made it unsuitable! Eldest child has various sn. Some of these are behavioural.

Reasons I didn't want him to go:

1.We are completely skint through his career choices and have spent literally tens of thousands on hlm trying to get him a job in a specific field. Which he still hasn't got and he refuses to just take any job. I think i may have married an eternal student.

2.I didn't think I would cope. No family nearby. I am completely ony own here.

I didn't cope and the house is a mess. Was still a mess after Christmas as not found a home for everything yet. He received a frosty reception from me on his return but had to pull his finger out because I was admitted to hospital with abdominal problems that night. Basically he had to look after the eldest two and the dog whilst I was in hospital for three days. I kept the baby with me due to breast feeding.

From the moment I went in to hospital he decided that he was ill and started to fake cough and lose his voice. I do not believe this to be real as he has not coughed all night and his lost voice suddenly came back earlier. He has put this on for all friends and family. Even for the pharmacist when collecting my painkillers who apparently said that he should be the one in hospital?

I came home tonight with the baby and all hell has kicked off.

The dog had pooed in the house but got it everywhere. I carried the baby upstairs and put the eldest two dc to bed. He lay down on the sofa and said I'm not clearing that up. I ignored, next thing you know my bed time story is being interupted by swearing. I advise him to stop as we can hear him. He carries on and on now directing the swearing at me too, including the word cunt for good measure. He decided to clean the poo up but was throwing stuff around. I did get a little bit teary and this escalates his torrent of abuse further. Apparently I whine and no one wants to hear it.

I thought it was best to ignore him (frostily though) and go to bed. I discover that the dog has peed on it. Change all the covers sort everything out and finally go to bed with baby. He is still kicking off and going on about the house being a hovel. Go to bed having managed to aggravate stomach pains but manage to go to sleep.

I get woken up by him at 12.30 deciding to go to bed. I ask him not to because I don't want him to knock my stomach at all. For reference, he often doesn't bother coming to bed on a night and stays up watching tv and sleeping on the sofa (this happens a lot!). I am already sharing the bed with the baby due to not owning a cot (no space or money for one). He shouts at me that it's his bed too and tough luck if my stomach hurts and that I sm not the only one that's ill. I get up out the bed and just sit at the top of the stairs feeling a bit lost and sad. Baby starts crying go up to get her to more abuse about how everyone hates me. Apparently even my mum hates me. The house is disgusting. Starts threatening to throw stuff out etc.

Anyway he went back to sleep on the sofa eventually. I did say some mean stuff bsck too when he was shouting at me. Such as actually it's him my parents don't like and that they think he is a waste of space and only put up with him for me.

However is it me. Am I wrong. Is it just circumstances (ie no money, too small a house, being ill). Just need to rant sorry.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 15/01/2014 07:09

It's not you.

It is him. He sounds utterly selfish and horrible.

I'd say LTB, you have nothing to loose. He isn't enhancing your life in any way.

FrankieStien · 15/01/2014 07:09

It is definitely not you, it's him.

livingzuid · 15/01/2014 07:11

What. How come you haven't moved with DCs and the dog to a place with a garden and left him to sit in the poo and pee. That sounds terrible. I wouldn't always advocate leaving but here what other choice do you have? He is abusive and to swear and use the c word at you in front of the kids is the lowest of the low.

Sorry you are having such a rough time please get help and leave.

JeanSeberg · 15/01/2014 07:12

You're married to an abusive, disrespectful arsehole. Sorry.

Where did he go on this holiday? And who with?

More importantly, how can we help you to get rid of him?

livingzuid · 15/01/2014 07:13

As in you should find a delightful place for your family to be happy and leave him to deal with shit on his own Thanks

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/01/2014 07:14

No it's not you.

It is him. But you already know that, don't you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2014 07:16

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

No its not you, its him. Your man hates everybody and is projecting.

But I have to look at you as well; both of you between you are teaching your children very damaging lessons on relationships. What do you get out of this relationship with your H?. Why are you together at all given all this?.

tribpot · 15/01/2014 07:16

Please tell your parents what's actually been happening, and get yourself out of there. The dog is clearly distressed, could someone else look after him for a few weeks whilst you get yourself sorted out?

gamerchick · 15/01/2014 07:18

So many threads lately where it's obvious there are little kids listening to their parents tear strips off each other :(

Your bloke is a knob to you.. This is not a loving and nurturing relationship.

FrontForward · 15/01/2014 07:22

Nothing will change unless you make it. You cannot change him...only his presence in your life.

A clean house, garden and three children is achievable without him in your life. You won't realise what impact he is having on your finances and mental health until he's gone.

I second the comment about the dog. Can you consider re homing him?

livingzuid · 15/01/2014 07:23

Yes good point on the dog. If you can't look after him and h refuses then can the dog have a holiday somewhere while you sort yourself out? I understand how much comfort our animals offer in times of stress but it could make things a bit easier for you in the short term.

stuckx4 · 15/01/2014 07:31

Will have to look into rehoming the dog. The thing is when I was on my own with her she was fine and had no accidents at all. But it was hard work. I wss having to stap baby to my back and encourage two young dc to walk in the cold.

With regards to the holiday. He went skiing with male relatives of his. He did some work for one of them and they paid for him to go in return!

OP posts:
Mintymoomoo · 15/01/2014 07:36

Kick him and the bloody dog out! Sounds like your life would be slot better with neither of them there, what with his foul mouth and the dogs foul toilet habits

43percentburnt · 15/01/2014 07:37

It's very sad that when you were ill he couldn't manage the tasks he expected you to do while he went on holiday, no doubt his vileness was because he had to take charge of the home for once. The guy is an arse. You and your kids would have a better life living elsewhere, you could get a little house and you would manage. Where are your family? Could you move close to them? What do you want to happen? Do you have access to money? Do you have family that would help you pack your stuff?

stuckx4 · 15/01/2014 07:46

Main reasons I am / feel stuck here are:

We own the house

I really need to be near my family for support and help with eldest child but they live 4 hours away. Want to move near them. However the school my eldest attends is amazing. Would not get help from another school like I do. Also don't think I would cope on my own.

More back story. Due to previous abuse was on a waiting list to move to parents area.He broke my finger in an argument. I was pointing at him and he grabbed my finger and twisted it. This is denied by him though but is recorded with hospital. But due to changes in policy i was removed from the waiting list.

OP posts:
stuckx4 · 15/01/2014 07:50

The other thing he didn't even have to do what I did when he was away. I kept the baby with me so no sleep deprivation, constant breast feeding etc.

OP posts:
RalphGnu · 15/01/2014 07:56

He sounds like a pig and you really need to LTB. Sorry.

gamerchick · 15/01/2014 07:59

You can cope on your own.. you'll amaze yourself.

The reasons you've listed for staying with him don't make up for what the kids are listening too and witnessing.

Maybe it's time to make a plan.. starting with the dog as it's obviously not happy if it's started doing toilets in the house.

CarryOnDancing · 15/01/2014 08:15

He's an abusive prick. You absolutely cannot stay with him. If you can't find the energy to leave, please let protecting your children be the driving force.
They won't thank you for keeping them in that environment.
It must be heartbreaking for them to live with this.

Can you ask him to leave while you get your head together?

livingzuid · 15/01/2014 08:23

stuckx4 that's just horrible. You do realise that because he isn't doing anything you are actually coping on your own as it is? Imagine without the stress of being with an abusive husband you will actually feel far better than you do right now and manage even better than you have been doing.

Please call Women's Aid to get some advice. The housing situation sounds ridiculous.

There will be some animal shelters who can give you advice on the poor dog who sounds pretty distressed by everything that's going on as well. They only tend to go in the house when they are suffering.

livingzuid · 15/01/2014 08:26

And, if you move near your family then you will have support and help you don't currently have. Is it an option to move in with a family member whilst all this is being sorted out?

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 15/01/2014 08:29

Ask him to leave. You stay. Please seek advice and find a way to get him out of the family home.

Allergictoironing · 15/01/2014 08:42

Might the constant swearing and verbal abuse in front of the children be classed as a child protection issue? Someone with more knowledge of this subject please chip in.....

Find it interesting that the house being a mess seems to be YOUR fault, but from what I can gather he doesn't have a job at the moment ("I think i may have married an eternal student")

BTW I wouldn't be surprised if the dog had gone in the house because the poor thing just wasn't being taken out at all at the right times while it was your Ps responsibility.

Lazyjaney · 15/01/2014 08:45

Dog has to go. He has to go.

But this situation is a fallout of previous crap decisions.

Why get a dog when you have no space? And why, oh why, have 3 kids with him in the 1st place, especially the latest, when he is a clearly an arse and you are all skint?

EirikurNoromaour · 15/01/2014 08:53

Lazyjaney, not helpful.

OP, he's abusive, as you well know. Please call women's aid today for help and advice. I know the school issue seems big but in comparison with a lifetime with this arsehole it's tiny.