Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Plesse tell me (although I do know it's not) it's not just me

74 replies

stuckx4 · 15/01/2014 07:04

Apologies in advance, on phone.

Husband went away for a weeks holiday straight after new year. I was not happy for him to be going but he ignored me and went anyway. I was left at home with 3 dc aged 6, 3 and a baby. Oh and a dog with no garden to be let out in. He has made it unsuitable! Eldest child has various sn. Some of these are behavioural.

Reasons I didn't want him to go:

1.We are completely skint through his career choices and have spent literally tens of thousands on hlm trying to get him a job in a specific field. Which he still hasn't got and he refuses to just take any job. I think i may have married an eternal student.

2.I didn't think I would cope. No family nearby. I am completely ony own here.

I didn't cope and the house is a mess. Was still a mess after Christmas as not found a home for everything yet. He received a frosty reception from me on his return but had to pull his finger out because I was admitted to hospital with abdominal problems that night. Basically he had to look after the eldest two and the dog whilst I was in hospital for three days. I kept the baby with me due to breast feeding.

From the moment I went in to hospital he decided that he was ill and started to fake cough and lose his voice. I do not believe this to be real as he has not coughed all night and his lost voice suddenly came back earlier. He has put this on for all friends and family. Even for the pharmacist when collecting my painkillers who apparently said that he should be the one in hospital?

I came home tonight with the baby and all hell has kicked off.

The dog had pooed in the house but got it everywhere. I carried the baby upstairs and put the eldest two dc to bed. He lay down on the sofa and said I'm not clearing that up. I ignored, next thing you know my bed time story is being interupted by swearing. I advise him to stop as we can hear him. He carries on and on now directing the swearing at me too, including the word cunt for good measure. He decided to clean the poo up but was throwing stuff around. I did get a little bit teary and this escalates his torrent of abuse further. Apparently I whine and no one wants to hear it.

I thought it was best to ignore him (frostily though) and go to bed. I discover that the dog has peed on it. Change all the covers sort everything out and finally go to bed with baby. He is still kicking off and going on about the house being a hovel. Go to bed having managed to aggravate stomach pains but manage to go to sleep.

I get woken up by him at 12.30 deciding to go to bed. I ask him not to because I don't want him to knock my stomach at all. For reference, he often doesn't bother coming to bed on a night and stays up watching tv and sleeping on the sofa (this happens a lot!). I am already sharing the bed with the baby due to not owning a cot (no space or money for one). He shouts at me that it's his bed too and tough luck if my stomach hurts and that I sm not the only one that's ill. I get up out the bed and just sit at the top of the stairs feeling a bit lost and sad. Baby starts crying go up to get her to more abuse about how everyone hates me. Apparently even my mum hates me. The house is disgusting. Starts threatening to throw stuff out etc.

Anyway he went back to sleep on the sofa eventually. I did say some mean stuff bsck too when he was shouting at me. Such as actually it's him my parents don't like and that they think he is a waste of space and only put up with him for me.

However is it me. Am I wrong. Is it just circumstances (ie no money, too small a house, being ill). Just need to rant sorry.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 16/01/2014 18:22

Your last post started as the worst horrid cruelty and ended as utterly chilling.

Good god, please report this abuse and get out.

JeanSeberg · 16/01/2014 18:29

I imagine he has sensed a change in you and hence stepping the abuse another level.

People on here are quite rightly very concerned for you all, especially the children.

Please be careful, make sure you remove all traces of your postings on here for one thing.

Do you have a loose plan of what you are going to do?

ZorbaTheHoarder · 16/01/2014 20:15

"he said that if I take it out again he will slit my fucking throat when I am sleeping".

OP, normal people do not speak like this to their partners, even as a 'sick' joke.

I think you have become inured to his horrible, disrespectful and threatening behaviour towards you.

Can you try asking him to leave? If he refuses point blank, could you stay with your parents or someone else for a while until you can do something about selling the house?

I think he will only get worse, so please protect yourself and your children.

Hermione123 · 16/01/2014 20:40

Yes, please. Even if you think you know he's just a boaster, he's horrible. Leave and then recover. Please build yourself up you really don't need a person like him in your life.

stuckx4 · 17/01/2014 05:48

I know that he is prone to saying the nastiest things and they are just talk. He denies saying things after a conversation.

He will never leave! He has always made this clear.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 17/01/2014 06:15

It's not just nasty talk. It's downright dangerous. You need to go to the police who will remove him or move out. Phone women's aid. But either way you cannot stay and you need to go very soon. I can't say this enough, you and you children are in danger.

You cannot trivialise that type of language and behaviour. It's totally abnormal and frightening.

PicardyThird · 17/01/2014 07:24

OP, I was thinking as I read your thread that you need to get out asap, but after reading your last post I shouted at the laptop 'you need to get out, love, GO!'

Please 'listen' to me and the others on this thread saying the same thing. Please speak to your mum and stepdad and get them to come and get you and the dc. Please do it today. This is bad, beyond bad.

flippinada · 17/01/2014 07:57

Please, get you, and your kids out of of there!

Sorry to be blunt, but all in the money in the world means nothing if you aren't there to make use of it.

You may think he makes empty threats, but he only needs to act on them once.

TawdryTatou · 17/01/2014 08:07

I'm starting to wonder if this is a police matter.

You are living with a horrible bully who has broken your finger and threatens to slit your throat in your sleep.

If he took this behaviour outside his home he would have the police on him like spit off an iron.

He is vile and you can't see it because he has ground you down with his violent, nasty dissembling behaviour.

You poor lady. Just fuck him off. Let him see what life is like without his children, without a wife who clears his mess up and covers up for his foulness.

Who'll want to take a stinking, nasty mess like him on?

No fucker, that's who. He'll suffer in his pit and you, my love, will be free.

tribpot · 17/01/2014 08:13

he is prone to saying the nastiest things and they are just talk

You mean like that time when he broke your finger in an argument?

livingzuid · 17/01/2014 08:18

Flippinda and tripod have it right. These are not empty threats. Talking like that to another human being is not normal. It's not just talk. You deserve better and so do your kids. What if they overhear him saying he wants to slit your throat to you? What damage does that do to them? What examples are they learning? How safe do they feel?

I stand by my earlier comment. The guy is a sadist. Please, please leave. It can be done.

OhGoveUckYourself · 17/01/2014 09:25

He has made threats to kill you and if you report this to the police he can be removed from your house. It doesn't matter that you can't prove that he said what he did, most domestic violence happens without witnesses and it is taken seriously by the courts. If he was removed by the police and charged with assault or threats to kill then he could be remanded in custody or bailed with strict conditions not to contact you at all. This gives you the chance to make your break from him. Please try and summon up your courage and report him now before he causes any more damage to you and your children. He is dangerous.

stuckx4 · 19/01/2014 07:25

I have decided to try to leave by easter. Things have calmed but I am still going. Just have tonnes to sort out with dc.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/01/2014 08:01

Good. This gives you time to make an exit plan and have money and documents set aside.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2014 08:13

I presume you only stayed within this because you hoped against hope that he would change.

Am glad you have decided to go.

You need to leave this man well before Easter. Easter too needs to be the very latest you are free of your abuser of an H, you need to be free of him long before then. He could well go on to do you more physical harm and also in the meantime you and by turn your children are copping more abuse from him.

You simply cannot afford to teach these children such a dysfunctional role model of a relationship. Also longer term I would suggest you enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such men like this one do take years often to recover from.

Has the dog been rehomed?.

In the meantime continue to post here, seek proper legal advice and talk to Womens Aid if you have not already done so.

BohemianGirl · 19/01/2014 08:27

I think i may have married an eternal student.

Walter Mitty with Terminal Peter Pan Syndrome.

I'm sorry Op, but why the hell are you having babies with a bloke who lives in a fantasy world? Not once but three times? He refuses to work? How the hell do you keep afloat? He doesnt provide for his family at all.

That would be enough for me to boot his arse out let alone the rest of your post which includes domestic violence

flippinada · 19/01/2014 09:39

Good for you stuck. Keep safe and don't give any hint you are thinking about leaving.

Lweji · 19/01/2014 09:59

Good luck with your plan.

Reading back, even if he's in law, I suspect he won't be that good at it, or give it enough effort. I think you'll be ok. :)

Lweji · 19/01/2014 10:00

Also, make sure you have an emergency plan in place, just in case.

MissPryde · 19/01/2014 11:01

Good luck op. Good luck. I want to second, please have an emergency plan. Be prepared to grab your children and run. It is better to know what you'll do even if the day never comes than to face that day without a plan. Make sure you delete your internet history. Tell your mum everything, make sure she knows your plan. Stay safe.

RandomMess · 19/01/2014 11:04

Take care of yourself, emergency plan a fantastic idea, life will only be easier without him.

skyeskyeskye · 19/01/2014 14:45

OP, I have just read your thread with horror... you have had some great advice already. Another second for the emergency plan, have a small bag ready somewhere that you can grab if necessary. Copy all documents and keep at your mum's.

Start to research schools near your family and I am sure that you will find something suitable for your SN DC. Also look into the Freedom programme as suggest, but YES, do DELETE your internet history and any emails if you get PM's.

Your H sounds like a nasty piece of work and the sooner that you can get away from him the better.

Charley50 · 19/01/2014 20:12

He is awful and abusive and it would be better if you left well before Easter.

Divinity · 20/01/2014 08:52

On a practical note Tesco + Asda do giftcards that last for 2 years, Morrison's have saving stamps. I'm sure sainsburys will have something too. They all can be bought "under the radar" as part of your weekly supermarket shop.

I did this as part of my own exit plan when I realised my precarious financial position. Receipts went in the bin coming out of the supermarket. I hid the giftcards in the loft. It was peace of mind for me that I knew I could feed the DCs for a little while when I left.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread