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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with being ostracised.

41 replies

anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 15:14

For the umpteenth time my husband is ostracising me. I have many user names and will dig them out so that you can read other posts (if you want!).

After the latest being ignored episode I told my husband that I think we need to separate and the reasons why. The result is that he is now behaving as if I don't exist at all.

This means that I feel completely paralysed and have a constantly churning stomach.

I desperately want a family member to come and stay for and bit but they understandably have commitments.

What do I do? We have 3 dc - 2 in primary school and 1 in secondary.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2014 15:17

I'm sorry you're being given the silent treatment. What bizarre & offensive behaviour. Paralysis and churning sound like you feel very trapped in the situation? What are you hoping the family member can do? Are you frightened of him? Do you want him to leave?

Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 15:19

Thanks for the reply. Have to go and collect middle dd but can write more when I get back.

OP posts:
17leftfeet · 14/01/2014 15:24

My EA ex was fantastic at not speaking -lasted 5 weeks once with him not even looking at me

I remember the churning stomach well, best diet I've ever been on!

What do you want to happen and how is he behaving with the children?

Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 19:07

I would either like him to start communicating properly and losing his temper, and actually listen to how hurt I feel. If he were willing to change some fundamental things (like his short temper, rudeness, lack of affection and tendency not to speak for weeks), I would be willing to try to work things out. I can't continue like this though and his latest silence at New Year was the last straw so I sent him an email telling him we had to at least separate for the time being (he is too scary to talk to). This had the result that if he wasn't talking to me before, I have now dropped off the face of the earth. I feel absolutely awful and can no longer function properly.

I either want to have a better relationship or separate amicably. It looks like neither will be possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 19:12

He is behaving OK with the kids. Very affectionate which makes me feel worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 19:15

stop losing his temper I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 19:17

Saddest of all, I want dh to like me Sad

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 14/01/2014 19:17

You can't negotiate with someone who behaves like that. The way to shift the stalemate is to take your own steps to get the separation moving.

He thinks he can control you with silence, which he can, as it paralyses you. But it doesn't have to if you detach and start making your own decisions.

If he won't agree to discuss the separation, then you'll have to organise it without his input.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 14/01/2014 19:18

Massively cuntish behaviour.
Still the peace and quiet will allow you to begin the separation process in peace.

Twinklestein · 14/01/2014 19:23

Awww he doesn't sound like he's worthy of your affection tbh. He knows you want him to like you which is why he withholds affection from you - it keeps you running round trying to please him.

If you really love someone and you know you have the power to do something to make them happy then you do it.

You're stuck in a trap with a man who will ever withhold affection to keep you in his power.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 14/01/2014 19:23

Sorry - on reflection that was a stupid unhelpful comment. But he's not going to change, he's really not.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2014 19:31

I think you have to take your 'neither is possible' observation and run with that. Sadly, still wanting him to like you & still being willing to work on things makes you keep coming back for more punishment. He knows it and he exploits it. You have the power to break the cycle if you wish. Hope you find that solicitor.

ForalltheSaints · 14/01/2014 19:37

Awful behaviour towards you, at least not to your children.

Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 20:02

I think the worst thing is feeling totally incapacitated. It's this that I don't know how to get past.

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 14/01/2014 20:14

Can you move out?

Original poster
anonymous13 · 14/01/2014 20:16

I am worried that moving out would prejudice a possible court against me. Also very difficult to leave the home (though I may have to as h very stubborn and proud).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2014 20:21

It's natural to feel incapacitated or frozen when what you want to do and what you need to do are so far apart. You keep telling him that you need to separate - possibly trying to shock him into changing? - and eventually you're going to have to follow through.

Do you have anyone IRL that you can talk to about this? Would you take up the suggestion to call Womens Aid about a DV specialist solicitor?

17leftfeet · 14/01/2014 20:26

He's not going to change and you can't make him

You can only change the things in your control so you have 2 choices

  1. change your reaction to him, when he's being a twunt go out, meet friends, don't let him see he's affecting you

Or

  1. the right one change your relationship status and split up with him

You really need to speak to a solicitor or even women's aid

FluffyJumper · 14/01/2014 20:30

I meant move out with the DCs.

Cranky01 · 14/01/2014 20:36

Hello I understand the stomach churning, all consuming anxiety, sense of loss and loneliness. I have no advice, I would be a complete hippocrite if I had any.

something2say · 14/01/2014 20:42

Moving out would be an issue yes.

Move out of the bedroom. Live together while you split. See a divorce lawyer immediately. Separate your lives x get plenty of emotional support but say goodbye to him alone, for he may well behave like this on and on. Until he decides he wishes for you to communicate now thank you, at which point you don't have to xxxx

17leftfeet · 14/01/2014 20:44

cranky are you ok?

BananaNotPeelingWell · 14/01/2014 20:48

I don't usually venture my opinion on the Relationships board but this chimes with me so much Anonymous and I'm so sorry for you.

My dad was and always has been prone to this. I grew up with it and whilst I love him very much, I have some very bad memories of silence and unsaid fury at home either to me or towards my mum. Often I had no idea what was even wrong and the atmosphere was just awfulConfused

It never stopped, and he's still prone to in now; he's in his 70's and I'm nearly 50. I still get the churning stomach and the worry of it when he does it.

All I can say is that its terribly, terribly damaging. It's only a matter of time I suspect before he'll do it to your dc - I was on the end of it as a child and esp as a teenager and it was just awful and still has repurcussions in my life nowSad When I was 19 he barely spoke to me for a year because purely because I wanted to go to college.

Its a horrible way to behave to someone. I think you need to insist on some sort of counselling to force him to discuss it or it will embed itself into your relationship and it will become accepted as 'well that's just how he is...what can I do?' which is what my mother always says. Basically we tiptoe round it when actually we should have said more years ago, but it's too late now. I hope you find the strength to find a solution.

myroomisatip · 14/01/2014 21:23

Been there. I know it is awful. I would get as much help as possible. GP, CAB and solicitor.

You are focusing on him right now and not you.

Forget about wanting him to like you. You cannot make that happen. Please try to plan each day for yourself, do things for you that do not include him. You existed before you met him, you were happy then too, you can be happy without him and his approval.

Dont move out. Just move him out in whatever way you can. Dont do his washing, cooking etc. Spend time on your children and on you!

I do wish you strength.

I got rid of my 'D'H and got a cat :) I am much happier :)

myroomisatip · 14/01/2014 21:26

What Banana said is very true. I grew up with a mother who used silence to demonstrate her disapproval at some unknown aggrievance. I spent my childhood wondering what on earth I had done wrong and was forever too scared to ask.

It is no way to treat anyone, let alone someone you love.

You need to get out of that 'relationship' as soon as you are able.