How to deal with being ostracised.

[anonymous13]

For the umpteenth time my husband is ostracising me. I have many user names and will dig them out so that you can read other posts (if you want!).

After the latest being ignored episode I told my husband that I think we need to separate and the reasons why. The result is that he is now behaving as if I don't exist at all.

This means that I feel completely paralysed and have a constantly churning stomach.

I desperately want a family member to come and stay for and bit but they understandably have commitments.

What do I do? We have 3 dc - 2 in primary school and 1 in secondary.

OP - he sounds like a total cunt.

Marriage is a partnership. You don't get to check in and out of it at any point you feel aggrieved in some way.

It's horrible behaviour and your kids will pick up on it, even if he isn't yet subjecting them to it.

I rarely say LTB but I couldn't possibly live this way.

You should never to too scared to talk to your husband about anything . He is a bully , get rid.

Sorry to hear about it happening to you too myroom. It's horrible to withdraw and shut off as a form of punishment to anyone esp your children.

I look back and cant believe it went on. My parents massively gloss over it all the time. I wonder sometimes if it ever happened at all. But it did and still does. Apparantly we don't confront things like that in our family

It can be a very hard thing to tackle though. I think the op is very brave to do so because there isn't anything concrete to argue against which is precisely why its so cruel and frustrating and disarming. Its very hard to disagree with someone who wont even acknowledge you're there let alone that there is a disagreement to be had.

Thx for all your answers. I would leave with the kids (and kids would see both h and I) but don't know if I would lose any claim on the house in the process. The house belongs to h. Have also asked this question on my other thread re solicitors (don't know what mumsnet etiquette re having two concurrent threads is). However terrified if being the one to appear to leave the family home. Is h just sitting it out until I conveniently vanish into thin air?

Have your children noticed that he is stonewalling you?

They are used to it being like that some of the time unfortunately.

You're married. It's your house too. And I presume you'd be the parent with residency? If that's the case he'd either have to move out or sell up and give you a share. Please get some professional advice and talk to someone in rl.

I've probably posted on your previous threads because it makes my blood boil when I read about a man treating the mother of his children in such a dispicable way. By all means link the the old threads, it might give mumsnetters a fuller picture (and re-read them!)

Hi OP,

To repeat what tallwivglasses just said - as it is worth saying twice - you are married, which means you own the house too. The house does not just belong to him. Please do get to a family solicitor as soon as you can as I think separation might be easier and more financially viable than you think now. Rather than you leaving with the children, it would be much much better if he could leave instead. This can be tricky if he is as much of a arsehole as he sounds. Talk to a lawyer, it will make things a lot clearer for you and will make you feel stronger. These are good steps to take, one at a time. I understand the fear, but you can overcome it. He is a bully but most bullies are cowards at heart.

Good luck to you. He is an utter shit. How dare anyone treat you like this? Awful. You totally deserve better.

If he owns the house and you want to get yourself and your kids the best deal, I guess it would be sensible to stay there for the moment. But that is only on the basis that he is not violent or threatening - you say he's 'too scary to talk to' which bothers me.

Given his paralysing effect then I think you need to call WA and get some support to enable you to be able to take the steps to separation while still with him. They can recommend a solicitor.

You do not need his acknowledgement or affection in order to be able to function.

If you are the slightest bit concerned that your activities towards separation would trigger threatening behaviour or worse, then pleae talk to WA, and consider just leaving with your kids.

I'd forgotten you were married, so scrap my comment about your house, it's an asset of marriage.

Will write more in detail later, but do you think h is trying to drive me out of the house by behaving in this way? It's such stone age Mafia like behaviour: instead of talking about anything (which he has hardly ever done and can't appear to do without becoming angry and unpleasant) I am obviously now dead to him for having committed the crime of wanting to separate (even if temporarily) and for telling him the reasons why. I suppose no one wants to hear this even if they know their relationship is awful, but his reaction is extreme.

Who knows what he is trying to achieve. The key thing is that you don't leave before you get legal advice. I think once you talk to a solicitor or another agency (perhaps Women's Aid?) and get a firmer understanding of your entitlements and possible routes out of the relationship you will feel less encumbered by worries about what is motivating him and more focused on how to look after yourself and your dc's away from this horrible man.

Re-read my post and wish I had worded the second sentence slightly differently. If for any reason you need to leave with your dc's (ie his abuse escalates) then you should go. You can take advice retrospectively about living arrangements, maintenance etc.

I wouldn't speak to him, about the possible separation or anything else.

Start by speaking to a solicitor. And get hold of any bank statements, mortgage docs, anything you might find useful and copy them and put them somewhere safe.

Quietly find out what your financial situation is.

You can't change anyone else, only yourself, and as to why he does it - I would guess he doesn't know himself, men are hopeless at looking inwards ime, probably something to do with the way he was treated as a child. But you can't change the behavior only he can.

Dozeydoris and Irishbloodenglisheart have given some very good advice as I did exactly that. I am so relieved to have found a thread like this I thought I was going mad. Anonymous13 and others you deserve so much more. I find my self today legally separated from my husband having just returned from mediation.

I reached rock bottom with this treatment not only from my husband but from his family as well. It just was so nasty and so one day I packed the car up with dogs and children and left (p.s. I did put a few things in place first) and I haven't looked back.

There is alot of support out there even where you least expect it. Its just finding the strength to taking a step for the positive, a step for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide but you mustn't accept this treatment
xx

how old is he 12 ? . you need to take back control , make a joke of it if you can , hard I know

belittle his behaviour , but more importantly carry on with your life , get out and about and show him that he needs you more than you need him