Sex: Fiance not 'finishing' in the bedroom

[Beth9009]

I am getting married in a matter of weeks and most things are going fine, but there is one issue in the bedroom and that is that he rarely ejaculates. Should I be concerned?

Occasionally he'll manage it after about 40 minutes of going at it, but most times he'll just give up. He has never managed it through oral sex, only ever intercourse. Despite this, his sex drive is normal I think - we have it at least twice a week...sometimes every night, and only very rarely will he have trouble getting an erection (which I think is normal for men from time to time?).

So it doesn't really affect me as he is still able and willing to have sex, but is it something that I should be worried about? As in, does it indicate a downward path in terms of his sexual performance? I.e maybe in 5 years he'll have trouble keeping it up? If it matters, I'm 25 and he is 36.

How are you marrying a man if you're not even sure if he's into porn or not? Don't you know if you're potentially signing up for spending tens of years with this man?

Never mind if he uses porn or not. Just think that if this is bothering you, imagine 20 years of it.

Is he on antidepressants?

The key is it bothers you. If it didn't bother you it would be fine.

My DH did this a bit, I was v inexperienced and frankly had enough problems of my own with vaginismus so decided that if he said it was OK, it was OK - now both problems have largely resolved by both of us not getting wound up. However we did manage to talk a bit (not much as I was mortified) about it pre-marriage and commit to getting help if things didn't improve on both sides (thankfully they did). He's a similar age and definitely not into porn.

However just because it does happen, and it doesn't bother some people, doesn't mean it doesn't bother you. It's the sort of thing you need to have talked about pre-marriage even if only a few blurted words because if you aren't happy now, you really won't be happy in 20 years.

I also think that if he likes to come on your chest, he's watched too much porn however.

Medication can cause this to happen so don't worry you're with a man addicted to porn and there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to ejaculate over your chest, have you tried changing positions? It's only a problem if you think it will affect your future together.

A while back I ended a relationship over this.

It turned out it was down to his masturbation technique that he called "the death grip"....

If it's a problem for you then for gods sake speak to him before you're legally bound!!

death grip? Thats a new 1 on me

I agree the bukakke is likely a porn influenced, but then that doesn't necessarily indicate excessive use right now. I wouldn't marry someone without knowing their precise porn attitude/habits though...

Of course this could have nothing to do with his delayed ejaculation. I'd want to get to the bottom of that too.

Twinks love, Bukkake is something different....

Something's up here, I would definitely try to get to the bottom of it as I guarantee you he's not happy about it. Maybe he's not turned on (gay? massively into porn?), maybe he's putting himself under too much pressure and can't 'let go'. At any rate worth talking about before getting married.

It seems that neither your mouth nor your vagina is his cup of tea.

How long have you been together? Was there ever a time when he didn't have this problem with you? Did he have this problem with a previous girlfriend?

Ejaculating on your chest is no bad thing in itself but, taken alongside his inability to climax inside you, it makes me suspect he might be thinking of other things/people when doing the 'chest' thing.

This is not a trivial problem.

Sorry to hijack your thread Beth but I'm in exactly the same situation as you! I literally could have written your OP myself. Although my boyfriend never has problems achieving an erection, he'll sometimes take forever to ejaculate - always using his own hand and never with any input from me (God knows I've offered). We'll have sex for perhaps half an hour and then he'll pull out and finish himself off.

Although he did watch porn (perhaps excessively) during his teenage years, he doesn't anymore. Maybe this could be a cause? However I think his real problem is that he has a very tight foreskin (ie non-retractable) and he is absolutely terrified of hurting/tearing it, eg by thrusting too hard during sex, or by me handling it improperly. He's thinking about getting circumcised to see if there's any improvement.

Could this be your fiance's problem?

beachside Bukkake just means 'splash'. As a porn term it refers to a group act, but as slang it's applied to individuals. If you want to split hairs between cream pies and pearl necklaces, the principle is the same: a splash of jizz (generally on the upper body).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bukkake

hmm, wiki disagrees with you Twinks. Anyhoo, it's all good fun.

As for Supposably's bf's problem, he needs to get that medically checked out.

Wiki, seriously? Maybe read your own link? It starts with the porn definition and then goes onto the etymology...

"Bukkake is the noun form of the Japanese verb bukkakeru.. to dash or sprinkle water, and means "to dash", "splash", or "heavy splash"...

"In Japanese, the word bukkake has extensive non-sexual use, such as this food tent advertising bukkake udon noodles."

I also think that any man who can only come through masturbation, and likes to do it over his partner's chest/face/bum, is too keen on porn. I've screwed been around the block a few times, and have never been wrong on this. Whatever your views about porn, the man has desensitised himself to real sex (much more friction from his own hand, and needing a camera's-eye view of his climax.)

This might not be the case with your fiance, OP, but you seem to have a few holes in your intimacy if you haven't been able to discuss this properly. Plus, if you don't feel really satisfied without PIV ejaculation and are compromising on your sex life, you definitely shouldn't marry while the problem exists.

Sorry.

Yep - porn use. As long as you can rule out excessive alcohol/dope use.

Okay, so we've had a talk and he does admit he's watched a lot of porn and was a big masturbater in his youth and 20s, up to 5 times a day in his teens, apparently! And after he separated from his wife he found himself masturbating a lot again and he thinks that this might be the problem. He says his sex drive is fine and it's just that he's always found it harder to ejaculate during sex than when masturbating. He says he hasn't watched porn in a long while and rarely masturbates, because we have sex on a fairly regular basis and he doesn't need to.

I've been reading up on it and I think de-sensitisation is probably the issue. Can this be cured? He's said he's going to give up all porn and masturbation and see if there's an improvement.

Just a question, how long does it normally take for your partners to ejaculate? Roughly speaking?

Probably has nothing to do with porn if he has no problem getting it up. Its more likely his maturation technique im guessing he holds it too hard when masturbating which is an impossible sensation to recreate when having sex. Known as the death grip.

He could fix it although he would have to forgo maturation and sex for at least a month.

"Probably has nothing to do with porn if he has no problem getting it up"

That's just nonsense. If someone's only way of popping their cork is by starring in their own porn movie, it's an odds on bet it has a lot to do with porn.

You just know this isn't going to turn out well, FGS hold off on having kids for a few years OP.

Why do you say that, Lazyjaney!??

So you work on this together to find out what does it for him and what does it for you.

Before being with my hubby I had had a number of lovers but nobody led me to climax regularly. With hubby, I've worked on training him as to my preferences and visa versa so we both know what the other likes. We also feel very able to say during sex what we want (I need you to do this now!) Our sex lives are very satisfying as a result.