The Dating Thread 68.

[Bant]

Support for everyone, dating online or in real life.

No judginess, no shoutiness. Nuff said.

[TalisaMaegyr]

I met mine online too. We've been together for more than 3 years now.... POF, believe it or not.

The one before that was OKC, but he was horrible and abusive. Still thought OKC was the best dating site when I was OD though!

[Flipper934]

I think I've been guilty of judging people, 49, by their attitudes towards their parents and their parents' relationships. I'm pleased I did though, having learned a hard lesson from an ex whose family I didn't 'research' enough beforehand.

A person's upbringing shapes who they are, and can leave them with unresolved issues. Mine certainly did - I tolerated pretty shoddy relationships because I thought that a) it was what I deserved and b) it was how all relationships were.

Neither of those is true, and I believe those issues are resolved for me, now. I would want to be sure that it was the same for the other person. I do agree that it's not something I would want to discuss with someone I didn't know at all.

[49howdidthathappen]

Thanks Flipper I get that, I suppose I don't get that someone would judge on the basis of one question/answer.

[Flipper934]

It's lovely to hear the support for each other on the thread, too. I suspect that at least some of Bant's concern is similar to mine - forthright and plain speaking are indeed often very useful qualities, but without an alternative to temper them, the thread can seem a bit instructional rather than caring.

Bant and I go back far enough on the thread to recall previous contributors who had a similar style, and who actually ended up scaring off a lot of other posters because it was their way or the highway. I'm pretty sure that that isn't Master's intention at all, but there's a risk that the unanimous support for her style is because people who don't like it have gone.

[OhWesternWind]

Yes Flipper I agree, I think I have done the same, certainly with my horrible ex when I put up with stuff most people wouldn't have tolerated. But there are clear parallels between his behaviour and my mum's but that's a long story and not for today. I certainly wouldn't get into all that as part of a dating chat but I think a general discussion about family is fine.

I'm not really sure how the Eharmony questions work, never used that site at all, it was PoF and Match all the way for me.

[OhWesternWind]

Oops sorry Flipper, cross posted - that was a response to your 13:16 post. But do you know what, I agree with your 13:25 post as well, entirely. I think that different styles suit different people and different situations, and the thread seems to have lost some of its gentler, kinder ways of supporting people. Plain talking and a kick up the backside can be just what's needed on occasion, but most of the time a bit of empathy and respect for people's differences works best.

[Flipper934]

Broken, do the eharmony questions have multiple choice answers? I get the impression from your original question about being rude that you're worried about scaring him off. For me, if someone asked a question that I didn't like, or that made me , I wouldn't be worried about offending them, as I would assume that we were quite different people anyway.

I agree, 49, I'd like to think it wasn't just the answer too one question that put me off someone, but given the lack of information about someone you meet online, I think there is a tendency to do that more than in RL.

[49howdidthathappen]

Fair point Flipper

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

I agree with you Flipper. A person's upbringing (and past) can have an impact on their later life. It ain't necessarily so, be it can be the case - it's the whole nature vs nurture argument isn't it. Personally I believe in some of both. It won't necessarily follow that someone with an ideal (!) upbringing won't have ishoos, or that someone with a hugely dysfunctional upbringing will have them, but it can make it more likely I suppose.

I'm not familiar with eharmony as I haven't used it but I'm guessing broken that if you're feeling so hurt and judged by the questions before you've even made contact, perhaps you need to step back a little and take some time for yourself? It's a horrible cliche but it is true - until you value and can show yourself love, you won't find many other people doing it either.

It is true that the thread has lost some of it's supportiveness and can at times be a little like a directive. I might stick around and see if the supportiveness will return

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

Master I don't think it is on to call Bant a liar. You might feel that he was wrong in what he said but there are plenty of people who don't, and to say that those people are phantoms is plain wrong of you.

[49howdidthathappen]

Hmm. There are more than two ways of doing things, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

[TalisaMaegyr]

What are you on about Master? What 'phantom private messagers'?

[AvaMaria]

Hello everyone, can I join? I am so nervous, I have a date tomorrow, a bloke I have met on Guardian Soulmates, v nervous. Been single over a year and have two small children. We are meeting in a local pub, been chatting about a month or so. I just feel like a silly teenager. And keep getting the freaks that I am meeting a stranger

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

Ava it is nerve wracking the first time (and second and third and so on ) but it will be ok. If you've been talking a month already then that's good - you obviously get on! And if you've seen a photo then you know that you're not going to run screaming... Good luck. Don't forget the loo update

Master that is insulting. It is not plain speaking or honest or anything else, so don't try to dress it up as such.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Wait.... WHAT shitty behaviour? He had an opinion on your approach - you know, like you do to other people? Why is it ok for YOU to 'tell it like you see it' but not for him?

[lubeybooby]

MasterP0 it's just the random caps that are coming across as shouty, not your opinions themselves. Though the opinions are descending into dodgy imho

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

Hear hear Talisa. It's funny how many plain speakers don't see it for what it is when they are on the receiving end and see it as shitty behaviour.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Right, I'm back from my coffee date. He's lovely, looks a bit like James Blunt (this is a good thing, honestly) and is easy to talk to. I'd been home about 20 mins and he text to say have a good afternoon, chat later. That's promising, isn't it? Please say it is!

Ava it's really nerve wracking, this dating business. Read my posts from earlier today - I was so nervous and nearly backed out of my date today but I'm glad I didn't. Hope it goes ok tomorrow.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Exactly Title!

"I'm not being rude, I'm just being honest". No. You're being rude

[TalisaMaegyr]

God Kitty, you're brave doing a daytime one! Good job Did ya get a snog?

[MasterP0]

Talisa good point! I'm all for people being honest and upfront/direct with me. Just expect me to reply or challenge your shitty behaviour/opinion dressed up as a snide dig or making unfounded accusations because HE feels uncomfortable, I've broken no rules.

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

You are though Master. Because calling someone a liar is a personal attack.