Is it time for a new paradigm for committed relationships?

[stillgoingon]

I've started this thread as reading this board has me wondering. Are we asking too much of ourselves and human nature to commit to lifelong monogamy with our chosen life partner?

It seems to me that infidelity is so common, it's almost ubiquitous. It causes so much hurt and disappointment. Not to mention disruption for children. Is there a case for backing a more "open" norm for marriages. One where the wondering eye, the 7 year itch etc are seen as the norm and dealt with in a way that does not necessarily harm the primary relationship? Where dalliances are a bit more above board and tolerated... even expected... from both partners?

I'm interested to hear people's opinions. Do those engaged in open relationships find it works, or is one party always the loser? Do those in committed relationships who are bored and needing a bit of excitement with a stranger think they could ever achieve this with their husband/wife having full knowledge and come out the other side with their marriage unscathed?

I am simply an interested longtime lurker. Chucking this out there to see what people think really.

Possibly. I do think staying together for the long haul and staying faithful is a big ask.

I think infidelity whether physical or emotional probably happens in a majority of long term marriages.

There is a big distinction in the health of the underlying relationship though, which I think determines what happens after the infidelity.

For example: though I have never formally known about it I am pretty sure my dad cheated on mum. Yet they were together 45 years. Now you can argue those were different times, women had less power to leave etc. That is true and may be why she stayed.

But fundamentally my parents were friends before they were a married couple. When they hit bumps on the road they got over them.

Me and my H were never really friends and when I uncovered his infidelity the whole edifice of our marriage came down like a pack of cards.

I think lifetime fidelity may be an unreasonable expectation. But lifelong friendship with a marriage built on top has a better chance of weathering this.

Problem is our culture is so obsessed with sex and marriage we have lost sight of the friendship.

I don't see being faithful to my husband as a big ask???

I simply don't want anybody else, he doesn't want anybody else. There's nothing to give up, it's not difficult.
Mehta is difficult is remembering that communication and complete honesty are the mainstay of our strong relationship. We don't try to protect the other, we try to share everything and trust in the other to enable us to do this.

It doesn't seem that big an ask to me either.

And no, I am not interested in a relationship where we both shag other people and the other turns a blind eye.

I can't see that relationship lasting very long, with all the pretending and sexual jealousy.

Joysmum sure. That is admirable. But I am afraid that not all marriages are like yours.

some people think humans are built for serial monogamy.

I personally think that an open relationship is ok as long as both of you (or all 3 of you or all ## of you) can willingly handle it. If it's unwilling handling, then it's not working. Doesn't work that often, but now and then it seems to.

But for most of history monogamy has been an ideal way more honoured in the abstract than the reality. By both genders, unless the women are kept in purdah. I don't think monogamy actually works in practice for many people, maybe even most.

I do think that the lies and deceit and dishonesty that usually (not always) come with non-monogamy is desperately destructive.

So is non-monogamy where it takes wanted time and attention away from the primary partner and children.

.... well .... i guess in summary I reckon we're a semi-monogamous species but that not being monogamous is either hard work or very destructive. If that makes any sense.

Monogamy is intensely tedious but probably the most workable arrangement for many of us.

I probably wish I were in a Joysmum type relationship, but my views are similar to Meerka.

Most, by default rather than deliberate design, are actually serial mongamists.

I don't think monogamy is realistic or achievable for most people happily. I think there is always a couple who will buck the trend and be content but for a lot of people fidelity is not a natural state.

Are you writing an article that piggybacks on the Hollande story?

Hell yeah. I think we are built for serial monogamy. I don't actually know anyone who disagrees with that if they're honest with themselves, although they might well hope that their spouse is the end of the line.

There is a gap in the market, so to speak, for a term that sums up 'I'm presently monogamous and committed, but don't intend this to be a life-long commitment.' People fall into it by default with a lot of cohabitations, but it's rare that both partners will articulate that is their intention. There's always a presumption that they are moving towards marriage and if they don't the relationship has failed.

Emma Thompson put it best recently. She thinks we need a partner for a youth, a partner for our sensible child-rearing stage, and then a partner for our later life. Each can meet different needs and it acknowledges that we will change as people.

I think whatever adults happily and knowledgebly consent to(on the assumption they have that ability) is fine.

Monogamy is for me. It is my choice and what my husband and I have consented to. I dont think I am, nor do I want to be, considered odd for that. Or that I am depriving my husband or myself of something we should be doing.

Normal is different for everyone.

You won't be considered odd for going for monogamy, BitterPill. Its the people who go for openly non-monogamous who are considered odd.

In my peer group, late 20's, monogamy is laughed at. I have been in a relationship for 7 years during that time my friends have probably slept with about 50 men between them. Nothing wrong with that but I am definitely judged for being in a monogamous relationship, even laughed at in some cases. I think they are all looking for the perfect man/relationship but such thing doesn't exist in my opinion!

Perfection doesn't exist but something that feels right does and in late 20s people are perfectly entitled to hold out for it. You might feel like the odd one out in your peer group, but monogamy definitely isn't considered strange among late 20s and the societal pressure is still on your friends to settle. Any laughter is going to be a reaction against that.

You are looking for a new paradigm whereby a non manogomous relationship is considered the norm. This would make a monogamous relationship odd.

How about we look at things by saying "hey if everyone is happy each to their own"

I think we certainly ought to be honest about the sheer numbers of people who find monogamy unworkable.

Because I know I said it was workable, but in practice lots of people don't stick to it.

"but in practice lots of people don't stick to it."

I would think that most people are monogamous for most of their lives.

Very long term affairs are pretty rare.

What an odd title for a thread- almost like a headline for a Sunday magazine!

I don't find being monogamous harder than I do dealing with the fallout if I started sleeping with other men so not unnatural for me.

I think monogamy is probably the way forward but serious relationships of about 5-10 years. Rather than the 50 year relationship. I think marriage as we know it will change in future and more friends will decide to have children together, away from their sexual relationships. A friend is more likely to be there for life.
I believe every 5-10 years you need a change in lover. To stop your world, actions, and zest for life narrowing.

According to the ONS the average marriage lasts for 32 years, but what proportion of people even marry anymore?

And of course a marriage lasting doesn't tell you that the couple have been faithful. Or happy.

I think the reality is that lots of people have the odd fling/affair, actually. I was amazed when I realised just how many people in allegedly monogamous relationships this applies to.

I agree that friendship is probably a much more solid basis for co-parenting.

And if you never ever fancy anyone else good for you, but I reckon you're quite unusual.

I wouldn't say monogamy isn't desirable, by the way. It's what I would want and personally I haven't ever wanted to cheat. (Only time I have done so was in a previous relationship in an act of desperation of which I am not proud.)

I just can't help noticing how many people primarily men cheat at least emotionally if not physically. I know it's not all of them but it is a large proportion.